Language of Love
ยฉ 2023 BTS My Love All right reserved.Some say the world is beautiful. It's filled with a myriad of shapes and colors. But if everything were colorless, with only models visible, we wouldn't feel anything special.
Feeling emotions but not recognizing what kind of emotion they are meansIsn't that truly cruel? What if you couldn't understand why you were laughing, or why you were crying, yet didn't realize you were sad or in pain? If you asked an ordinary person this question, they would undoubtedly respond, "What joy is there in living if you can't feel any emotions? I'd rather die."
If you had given me that answer before, I wouldn't have understood, but now I do. That's because even when I felt emotions, I didn't know what they were.
The world seemed colorless to me, devoid of emotion and meaning. The diagnosis I was given was "alexithymia."
Thanks to those precious people, I was able to piece together the jumbled and chaotic puzzle of my emotions.
The first time I realized I couldn't feel emotions was at my parents' funeral. I only recently learned how they passed away. Late one evening, with heavy rain and wind pouring down, my parents were returning home from work. They were struck by a car speeding towards them in the pouring rain, unable to avoid it, and they died instantly.
At the time, I was seven years old. Seeing people bowing, screaming, and weeping before their parents' photos lined up side by side, I thought, "Why are they crying? Do I have to cry too?" Then, seeing people hugging me tightly and comforting me, saying, "Leaving these little ones behind..." made my stomach churn. I felt like I was going to throw up what I'd just eaten.
"Lady, it's okay."
My brother, as if he had seen right through me, warmly embraced my hand and spoke. Even he was only ten years old, too young to handle such a task.
"But where are your mom and dad? Are there only pictures?"
"....the two of you have gone to a very good place."
"When are you coming?"
"...You can't come. Now, Oppa is Yeoju's mother and father."
My heart ached at my brother's words that he would never come back. It felt like my heart was broken.
"Brother, my heart hurts so much."
I felt like I had some kind of illness. I couldn't explain the strange feeling that came with my aching heart.
"If your heart aches and hurts in this situation, it means you are sad."
Sadness... At first, I didn't quite understand it. But as time passed, I gradually came to understand. The feeling I get whenever I think of someone I've lost is sadness.
"So Mom and Dad are nowhere to be found now?"
My brother gently placed his hand on my heart. Then he said this.
"Mom and Dad will always be in our hearts."
After that day, we lost our parents and became orphans, and my grandmother took us in. Before that, my grandmother had often looked after us in place of my busy parents, so we didn't experience any particular inconveniences. However, my grandmother was concerned about me laughing when I should have been crying and occasionally exhibiting strange behavior, so she took me to the hospital. There, she learned that I had alexithymia.
While a normal person might interpret the thrill of a heartbeat from a partner as excitement, someone with alexithymia might interpret that excitement as an arrhythmia or a heart problem. In short, they can't accurately express their feelings.
Since I was diagnosed, my brother has been following me around, explaining to me what I'm feeling and what I'm feeling. At this age, when I should be spending time with my friends, he's been sacrificing his own happiness because of me.I always felt grateful and sorry to my brother like that.
One day I asked my brother this question.
"Do you believe in ghosts, oppa?"
"Um... maybe not?"
"So, how would you feel if you saw a ghost?"
"It's different for everyone, but I think it'll be amazing. What do you think Yeoju will think?"
"I feel like my whole body is shrinking and I want to hide somewhere."
Anywhere I couldn't see ghosts seemed like a good place. Whenever I saw ghosts in movies or dramas, I would shiver as if I was cold, and without realizing it, I'd squeeze my eyes shut.
"It's a scary feeling. Your heart pounds and your whole body trembles or becomes tense.It's one of those emotions that I really don't want to feel."
"What are you most afraid of, oppa?"
"I'm afraid I won't be able to protect you."
To my brother, who feared nothing in this world, I was filled with fear. Now, he had become a part of my fears. Fear gripped me, terrified that he, my only remaining family member, would leave me.
I didn't know that feeling of fear stemmed from love. That fear arises because we love.
..........
During those stormy, stressful years, the unwelcome arrival of adolescence, I began to develop an interest in someone else. My first love, which remains both the most vivid and the most beautiful memory, was a boy in a different class in the same grade.
At first, it was just plain curiosity. It was the complete opposite of me, who always walked alone, afraid of being criticized for not even knowing my own feelings.I was curious about that child, who was the idol of many children and friendly with everyone, with his warm appearance and kindness. That was all.
Every time the bell rang for recess, I would sneak a peek at that child's class.
Looking at Jungkook (that's the kid's name), who always had a smile on his face, I wondered how he could express his emotions so well. I wanted to ask him, how can you pinpoint exactly what you're feeling?
It had been a little over a month since I started going to see Jungkook every day, but Jungkook, who was always with his friends, was nowhere to be found, so I searched around the school and found him crouching in a corner of the music room that was no longer in use.
What made me, unsure whether to approach or not, move my steps was the sound of sobbing. I cautiously approached, sitting a little distance away, and stared straight ahead, muttering to myself.
"People say I'm an emotionless psychopath."
As I started to speak, Jeongguk lifted his head from his knees and looked at me with a tear-stained face, and began to listen to what I had to say.
"........"
"I feel emotions, but I don't know what they are. I'm not some emotionless psychopath, but every time you call me that and point a finger, I feel like my heart is sinking."
"........"
"I'm slowly learning what emotions I feel, but I still have a hard time with my emotions."
"It must have been very difficult."
"...That's what happened. But it's okay now. Because those people don't know all this stuff about me."
"Now that I know, I'll tell the kids."
"No, don't do that. I hate it when people pity me and look at me with pity more than when they call me a psychopath."
"...I'm sorry, I was being a bother."
"No, that's not true. I really appreciate your concern for me, but I want you to take care of yourself first."
I ran my finger over Jeongguk's face, which was covered in tears from sadness.
"......!"
"I like your smiling face, but I also want you to share your pain and sadness with someone instead of just swallowing it alone."
"Everyone will be disappointed when they see my weakness."
"People who truly care about you will never disappoint you."
After hearing what I said, Jeongguk's already big eyes sparkled and he grabbed my hands tightly.
"Thank you. I will help you properly recognize your emotions."
My heart pounded and tingled, as if it had been shocked by electricity. What kind of feeling was this?
"Then I don't know what this feeling I'm feeling right now is. Can you tell me?"
"Yeah, how do you feel?"
"My heart is pounding, I feel a tingling sensation as if electricity is running through me, and my face feels hot."
The feeling I felt was none other than,
"...I wonder if it's a thrilling feeling."
When I looked at Jeongguk closely, his ears were red.
"What is it, if you want to be more specific?"
In response to my question, Jeongguk pulled me into his arms.
"How do you feel now?"
"Uh, uh... My heart was pounding like it was going to explode, I was getting goosebumps, my face was burning, and my whole body felt like it was frozen."
"That's the feeling called excitement. I'm feeling the same way as you right now."
Excitement, in fact, was something deeper than that: love. I realized it only after I'd passed the tumultuous years of adolescence and entered my senior year. Initially, I was confined to no one, but with Jungkook's help, I was able to express many emotions. Thanks to him, by high school, I was able to laugh and cry among people like any other kid. There was something I wanted to say to those who had been so genuinely supportive of me during my struggles.
Thank you for teaching me what love feels like.