61ㅣSaving others and killing myself
-
The daily routine was repetitive. Treating patients, performing medical procedures, and performing surgeries. Facing the life I'd once dreamed of, I saw only its flaws. I'd see people traveling and relaxing at home, and I'd feel envious every day. People told me I was blessed, that I had a genius-level intellect and became a top-notch doctor. So, I should be happy, they said, and they envied me.
I hated hearing those words on my lips. The mask Serin wore was meant to hide her melancholy, but the masks others wore were meant to hide their evil inner selves. All the words meant to be for my benefit were only hurtful.
“If you’re a doctor, you must be good at studying. What kind of misfortune is that… Are you deceiving me?”
“If people who are good at studying keep complaining, then those of us who are bad at studying…”
“And study hard too.”
"You're good at studying." It sounds nice on the surface. But it's actually rife with prejudice and stereotypes. Being good at studying means you've put in a lot of effort. But people often just say it based on the results, without considering the process.
My results were perfect scores on the CSAT and I became a doctor. People stared at me in disbelief. But that was just a well-crafted facade; I couldn't tell what was going on inside.
"Doctor," every student's dream job. While it may seem glamorous on the surface, it's a fiercely competitive one inside. Unlike my school days, it wasn't a battle against my peers, but rather a battle against myself. I had to win this battle with myself. I had to maintain a strong mentality, and as a doctor, I had to take good care of my health. People who didn't know this repeatedly asked me, "Aren't you happy now that you've become the doctor you've always dreamed of?" They asked me, "Doctors, the envy of everyone, don't deserve to be unhappy." They asked, "There are countless people who want to be doctors but can't. If those who do end up unhappy, what about those who don't?"
People don't realize how difficult being a doctor is. Not everyone who becomes a doctor, a profession so coveted, is happy. In fact, many doctors are unhappy. People don't realize how difficult it is for doctors to run around every day, living for others without any time for themselves.
When my patients were alive, they always wore bright smiles, as if they were seeing a bright light. But inside, I was a pitch-black darkness. It was more a feeling of satisfaction than happiness. That satisfaction was fleeting. It quickly faded, and only darkness remained.
Living in darkness, consumed by people's prejudices and stereotypes, the repetitive routine felt like nothing more than death. Without knowing whether I was dying or living, I was torturing myself, killing myself every day. A profession that kills itself while saving others—that's what it means to be a doctor.