It was a small, open space, about twenty steps down a narrow passage behind a plum tree, visible only at the tip from the window of the room with the most sunlight.
It was a precious place where I spent more than half my day, and it was also the place where I first met you. I don't know if it was the former that made it more special to me, or the latter.
As usual, I lay on the empty lot, closed my eyes, and daydreamed. I wanted to become one with the dirt that covered my body. I wanted to disappear, becoming one with it. Even if I disappeared from here, nothing would change. Sadly, nothing really changed. Now there was a reason to disappear.
A label that follows me around like a 'child without parents'. At school, I was always called that instead of my name. In this place, where I ran away as soon as I turned 17, the sound of birds chirping in the mountains occasionally drifts through the desolate silence.
Living buried in a rural area like this for so long, feeling like I'm dead, sometimes I forget who I am. Because no one calls my name. Because no one loves me, because no one can love me for who I am. Jang Won-young is still stuck in the five-year-old state she was abandoned by her parents.
The current Jang Won-young may already be dead. She can't be brought back to life.
Booth. - I felt a presence at the entrance to the vacant lot and turned around. There. You were, standing in the pouring sunlight. Your whole body was covered in wounds. Scratches from tree branches were all over your face. I was embarrassed. It was a face I had never seen before, and it didn't seem like some dirty relative had come to visit.
"hi"
You raised your hand awkwardly and greeted me shyly.
How did I get in here? This place was 'something only I knew'. The present progressive tense has now become past tense.
"who is this?"
"Ah... My name is An Yu-jin."
"....what..?"
A person who has been abandoned by someone once cannot afford to give their heart to someone else again. Because they cannot bring another person into this narrow world where it is dangerous to stand alone.
“Can I sit next to you?”
You smiled beautifully. You came over with a brisk pace and then plopped down next to me.
"You're so pretty. I want to eat you."
What are you trying to say? Should I take this as a compliment?
It was the first compliment I'd ever heard about my looks. It felt awkward.
"I think you look prettier when you smile."
Before I knew it, someone was sitting next to me and started talking without me even knowing who started it.
"You know... can I come here tomorrow too?"
In fact, my world may be wider than I thought.
- Not even a hint of regret,
Is it big enough to keep one person by my side? Perhaps I've narrowed the space myself. Even if it weren't, even if it were cramped, I wanted to bring you in, even if it meant squatting uncomfortably. That's how it was back then. I had the courage to do so.
Day after day. There were days when you couldn't come due to family matters, but almost every day you came to the vacant lot to find me. The main conversations were about what was for lunch today and why you weren't coming to school. Things like that.
As memories with you piled up, the feeling of love or something else grew stronger.
I loved the sound of your lips chattering for a long time about how you almost got in trouble for leaving your gym uniform behind today. I had a ridiculous fantasy about wanting to cover my lips. I wanted to beat myself up.
'Is this love?'
Did this kind of stupid question pop up in your head?
Am I worthy of loving you? Am I allowed to love you? You?
I decided to test it. To see if I really love you.
I pulled your uniform shirt so that your gaze was directed at me, and placed my lips on your thick ones. It was hot, hot.