*Trigger Warning
-Contains descriptions of inappropriate relationships
“Why did you kill him?”
The lawyer asked. Ga-eul sat silently, her head bowed. The lawyer, with his mismatched lipstick, took Ga-eul's hand, which was adorned with several expensive rings. It was clear he was trying to gain her trust. Ga-eul didn't say much. The lawyer sighed and told her to look at him. He raised his head. His throat tightened. As if a lump had formed, he couldn't speak. Like a fish just reeled in, he gurgled weakly and spat out,
“Does that matter?”
The lawyer's eyes sparkled, as if he recognized the possibility of persuasion. Ga-eul shrugged. She tried to pull her hand away, but the lawyer tightened his grip. Her hand ached from the jewels encircling the ring. The lawyer spoke clearly, his lips slightly trembling. "We need to know why you killed that child so we can do something about it." Ga-eul pushed her hand away. The lawyer's lips twisted slightly, but he smiled again. She felt nauseous. Her stomach ached, her heart pounding. But it seemed no one knew. No, she hoped no one knew. The jumble of conflicting emotions made her head feel like it was going to split open. Ga-eul opened her mouth, trying not to say anything. Acting emotionally was detrimental to her, and equally frightening.
“He killed me first.”
Ga-eul spoke forcefully, her voice trembling. Even her black hair, re-dyed for the trial, trembled.
“He ruined me first.”
Yes, I wanted to kill him. I wanted to tear his body to shreds and rip off that proud face. I wanted to scratch his entire body with my fingernails, demanding to know if it hurt as much as I did. I wanted to kick him and beat him. That's why I killed him. So you can experience it too. So you can feel that stained feeling. So you can feel even half of what I felt, that shitty feeling…! Even Ga-eul couldn't handle the words spilling out incoherently. At first, her hands were shaking, tearing at her nails, and then she screamed and tore at her hair. A sharp pain stabbed her stomach. She just wanted to faint. No, she didn't want to run away anymore. The emotions swirling around in her small head felt like they were going to explode. Ga-eul barely managed to suppress the urge, whether voluntary or involuntary, or some other form of madness, and closed her mouth. The lawyer nodded and left the room. Ga-eul buried her face in her hands. She felt as if pitch-black ink was seeping from her heart. As she plunged the fountain pen into the heart of the canvas that was Ga-eul, the pitch-black ink spread, staining the once-pure-white canvas black. Ga-eul, completely broken, sobbed.
So what choice should I have made then?
No Longer Human
: Who is the sinner?
Her brother left the house again. Ga-eul got up and went outside. The chilly morning air strangely comforted her. He was sleeping next to a telephone pole. He looked shabby. She chuckled. She put her hand under his nose and felt his warm breath. Ga-eul sighed. If she was going to live like this, she should just die. Why live like this when she can't even be considered human? She groaned and threw her cold body down, and it collapsed unsightly on the floor. Annoyed, she kicked his sturdy back for no reason. Her brother groaned and crawled back under the blanket. She kicked the blanket away once more and left the house. He must be feeling terribly sorry. She knew why he came home drunk. He must have been ashamed of himself for leaving home so proudly, saying he'd get a job, only to end up doing nothing, not even the common flyer-handing job. But that didn't justify his listlessness. And at times like that, Ga-eul saw her mother, whose face she didn't even know, in her older brother.
Leaving Ga-eul in the care of her younger brother, her mother went abroad. She either went to earn money or was tired of being a single mother, leaving her behind. Her grandmother called her "Yuksiral-nyeon." "Yuksiral" means "at the age of six," and it seems she hated her so much she wanted to tear her to pieces. Her grandson, who was nine when she left, was twenty-four, and who had hated her daughter-in-law so much that she never returned, she died about a month after her brother successfully launched a startup with his college friends. Even then, she hadn't been seen. Even when her brother's startup completely collapsed after one of his college friends ran off with all the funds, she still hadn't been seen. Her brother pounded on the phone for a long time, eventually throwing it to the floor and swearing. Ga-eul hadn't known her mother, so she didn't miss or resent her. Her only complaint about her mother was her weakness. Ga-eul couldn't stand the thought of someone so weak as to abandon their own children and leave her behind. That trait was genetically passed down to her older brother. Because her mother had passed her weakness on to him, Ga-eul despised her mother.
The walk to her new school was unfamiliar. She'd gotten the bus route mixed up and only realized she'd gotten on the wrong bus after twenty minutes, and her crisply ironed skirt had become wrinkled. Even when she finally arrived, she wandered around for a while, unable to find Class 6, Year 2. A young man, presumably her homeroom teacher, greeted Ga-eul with a smile. But it was already past eight o'clock. She was a typical transfer student. But also an untypical transfer student. Ten minutes late on her first day of school. Kim Ga-eul. Eighteen. That was all she had to say about herself. She already wanted to go home. Her shyness was lost in the energy of an all-girls high school. Her luck was just awful. Her timing was also terrible, and everyone had already become friends. Well, it wasn't all bad, was it? She wasn't the type to enjoy attention, so this was actually comfortable. Or, to be precise, aside from her partner, school life was perfect for Kim Ga-eul. So, what I'm saying is that An Yu-jin was more impatient than Kim Ga-eul, who had just transferred. And that was something Ga-eul couldn't understand. Do I look like such a loner? She sighed as she looked at the mirror she never looked in. Talking to me for no reason, taking me to the cafeteria... I knew she was usually talkative, but why me? An Yu-jin's actions were truly incomprehensible. Even though she was surrounded by friends and laughing, whenever Ga-eul's eyes met, she would come towards Ga-eul with her signature smile. When her friends asked her to go to the cafeteria, she would always say "next time", but she would nag Ga-eul like a child, telling her to go to the cafeteria first.Ah. Kim Ga-eul covered the mirror and burst into laughter, as if in vain. She felt like she'd been fooled. By An Yu-jin.
A hand suddenly reached out before her eyes. The hand busily working on her workbook stopped. Ga-eul raised her head and looked at Eugene. Eugene shrugged. "If you just study all day, you'll lose your composure. Do you want to go to the cafeteria together?" The cheerful tone was annoying to Ga-eul, but also delightful. Even I, a person so colorless, felt like I could bring some kind of pale color with Eugene. With the colors Eugene had brought, Ga-eul briefly experienced the feeling of chromatic colors. Sometimes blue, sometimes red, a warm color that was hard to tell if it was gray, white, or yellow. A color she didn't know, no, couldn't name. She took Eugene's hand and stood. All she had done was hold his hand, but Eugene was as delighted as a child seeing snow for the first time. For the few stairs leading from the second floor to the cafeteria, Eugene chattered as if he had been given a mission to explain everything about himself: his basic family relationships, his personality, his likes... It was so damn boring, but I don't know why it was so fun to listen to. Even after entering the store, Eugene kept talking about her friends in that cheerful voice. Im Han-gyeol is sleeping alone, and Jang Won-young... and Kim Ji-won... Only after paying for the canned coffee and chocolate milk and inserting the straw did Eugene stop. Ga-eul snicker. "It's getting quiet now," Ga-eul muttered. Eugene jumped to his feet, pointed at Ga-eul as if he was witnessing the most amazing thing in the world, and shouted.
“Wow! I said it!”
It was ridiculous. Ga-eul chuckled and turned her head. Then, as if nothing had happened, she calmed her pounding heart and slowly stood up. "Your voice is really good! Can you say it one more time?" Eugene murmured, following her closely. Ga-eul shrugged. For now, she wanted their relationship to remain at this level. They went to the store together, and Ga-eul listened when Eugene spoke. A relationship where they couldn't even tell if they were strangers or friends. Ga-eul was comfortable with that. And she wanted to maintain it for as long as possible. Even if the unusually warm spring was the catalyst.
“You cut your hair?”
As she sat down, Eugene spoke. Gaeul fiddled with her hair, cut short enough to reveal her white neck. Despite the clichéd catalyst of spring, her resolve to maintain a long, quiet relationship vanished at Eugene's single word. Then, after a moment of inconspicuous hesitation, she decided to just do it. Like her impulsively cut hair. For Gaeul, it was truly a testament to her courage.
“Why? It doesn’t suit you.”
Eugene shook his head and smiled. The late spring sunlight poured down on them. There were no children, let alone a passing teacher. It wasn't clear whether it was the pollen or the unintentional spring breeze, but the important thing was that Kim Ga-eul blinked, and in the meantime, An Yu-jin tucked her short hair behind her ear. "It's uncomfortable if it falls down without being tied up," Eugene said.
Her brother left home again. But now she didn't look down at the telephone pole as if it were familiar. Because she trusted that he would get home safely. Or maybe it was just because of Ahn Yu-jin. Because Ahn Yu-jin waited for him at 7:30 every day. Why? Because she missed him? Well, maybe? She decided to think of it as a positive change. For Ga-eul, for her brother. After all, she had no reason to care for a grown man, not even her parents. Ga-eul looked out the window of the empty bus and smiled enviously. "Yes, this is much better." Thinking back to the last time she'd smiled, the fact that it was relatively close brought a sense of relief. Was that because of Ahn Yu-jin, too? Like rainbow-colored paint dripped onto a blank canvas, Ga-eul was slowly and surely invading Kim Ga-eul's eighteen-year-old life. Because of her unhesitating approach, Ga-eul gradually developed a softer image. Autumn didn't necessarily have to come out, but others carved it out like a piece of soap, just as they pleased. But it had been a long time since I'd felt a fondness for the "soap pieces" I'd created. Eugene's friends also came to the canvas of autumn, leaving their own traces. Kim Ji-won left a pale pink, Jang Won-young a bright blue, Yoon Seo-jun a bright yellow, and Lim Han-gyeol a sophisticated purple.
But Han-gyeol, as if to show that he was different from the others who valued leaving behind things, wanted something more. He wanted lines, not dots, and planes, not lines. It almost seemed as if he'd been hiding it because of Ga-eul's shyness. Unlike Yu-jin, Han-gyeol felt a little burdened. It was true. The two had been friends since time immemorial, and even their parents called them best friends, but the atmosphere they gave off was strangely different. Perhaps his patience up until now was consideration, but Han-gyeol wasn't yet ready to endure spring, endure summer, and wait for late autumn. Ga-eul was no different.
So many colors passed through autumn, and some colors looked beyond, but the color that was at the center of autumn, and occupied the largest part of it, was Eugene.
“Autumn!”
He accepted the canned coffee with a familiar expression. Eugene drank chocolate milk with a straw. For a moment, he enjoyed the early summer, idly admiring the cicadas. "Cicadas aren't that great, are they?" Eugene said. Gaeul shrugged. "I like the sound of cicadas," he said with a faint smile. Eugene stared intently at Gaeul's profile. Gaeul, sensing his gaze, turned her head. Eugene sat closer.
“My mom and dad won’t be home this weekend. Do you want to come study?”
Eugene asked. While Ga-eul was pondering the answer, the cicadas began to sing.
"okay."
And while I was choosing my next words, the cicadas started chirping again.
"good."
And for a long time the cicada cried.
Mem
Mae-am
Mem
Mem
“Where are you going?”
Her brother asked. Ga-eul shrugged. "A friend's house." Her short answer prompted a barrage of probing questions. Whose house are you going to? Are you inviting me? If you're just going on a whim, then forget it… Even his nagging, which would normally have been annoying, didn't bother her much. She haphazardly shoved her workbooks into her bag, but that didn't bother her. She ran toward the address on the KakaoTalk message. The bag, which must have weighed half her weight, felt light as if it had wings. It was unrealistic. But An Yu-jin herself was unrealistic, and it was a problem. Just as when you think of summer after a spring filled with pink, orange, and yellow, not red, but blue and a refreshing green, An Yu-jin was that kind of girl. What could she have imagined? Ga-eul, having passed the late spring, lacked imagination, so she probably imagined a canned coffee and the chocolate milk next to it.
But as if to prove the necessity of inertia, two or three children were already sitting next to Eugene. Of course, that was true. Eugene had only recently become close to Ga-eul; he should have remembered that he was already a so-called "popular kid." The calculation he'd made, having forgotten that constant, had naturally gone awry. Ga-eul carefully sat down, hiding her nervousness. Everyone welcomed her, but Ga-eul, conscious of her burning ears, took out her workbook and began solving problems as if she had been given an assignment to complete by tomorrow. Han-gyeol was praising Kim Ga-eul as "Kim Ga-eul is still Kim Ga-eul," and she could hear Ji-won and Won-young arriving, but Ga-eul's attention was completely focused on Eugene. Even with the calculus problem labeled as a college entrance exam question, and the "sister-killer" question that was supposed to drain the spirits of test-takers, Ga-eul kept glancing at Eugene. Eugene stood up. After a few whispers with Hangeul, Han-gyeol stepped aside, and Eugene sat down next to Ga-eul. Only when she heard a familiar breathing did her problem-solving speed stabilize. Eugene's expensive mechanical pencil scribbled across the paper. Squeak. At the sound of paper tearing, Ga-eul instinctively turned her head to the side. Eugene winked and put a finger to her lips. Unsure of what he meant, Ga-eul turned her head back to her workbook. "What on earth did you expect?" Suppressing her disappointment, she clicked the lead, then felt a stab in her side. Ga-eul rolled her eyes and glanced at Eugene. Their eyes met, and Eugene tapped the end of his mechanical pencil against the table. At the end, a cotton ball attached, lay a note, clearly ripped from the corner of a notebook.
‘Do you want to go to the convenience store?’
Autumn said she didn't know and scribbled down the answer.
'huh'
Eugene stood, holding Gaeul's hand. "I'll go to the convenience store to buy us drinks!" Eugene said, his voice resonating throughout the living room. Some students, focused on their studies, nodded absentmindedly, while others, still studying, cheered and shouted out their drinks. Gaeul was busy jotting down the orders on her phone. Then, Eugene placed a hand on Gaeul's shoulder and whispered teasingly in her ear.
“When will it all come out after I write it all down?”
Autumn looked at Eugene. Eugene smiled. Then he turned and shouted.
“Oh, okay! Since this is my house, let’s eat what I like.”
Playful jeers could be heard here and there, but Eugene accepted the jokes in kind, giggling as he took Ga-eul's hand and headed outside. It must have rained while they were studying, but the air, once filled with fine dust, was quite clear. After buying energy drinks and fruit juice at the convenience store, they had a little money left on their card. Eugene came over from somewhere with two ice creams and paid for them. "Take one," Eugene said, handing them over.
“Let’s sit down for a moment.”
Eugene spoke as they passed the playground in front of the apartment complex. Gaeul obediently sat on the swing, quietly nibbling her ice cream. Eugene took a large bite of ice cream next to her. The ropes of the swing creaked with each movement. It must have been around 1 o'clock when they arrived at Eugene's house, but the sky was already dotted with stars. Gaeul sighed, suddenly feeling tired. Eugene opened his mouth.
“I was a little upset today.”
"why?"
“No, I thought so. At first, I was going to do it just the two of you, but at some point, the kids started coming to me and me… I’m not good at saying no to things like that. Unexpected, right?”
“It’s really unexpected.”
Gaeul answered slowly. Eugene smiled brightly, as if she was happy about something. Stunned, Gaeul laughed too.
After the study session, the kids who had come to Eugene's house that day had become fast friends. More precisely, Ga-eul had entered their fold without fear. Hangyul, too, seemed to be finally matching Ga-eul's pace. Hangyul felt awkward around her. It wasn't that Ga-eul harbored any feelings for him, but rather that his gaze was perhaps too explicit. She considered talking to Eugene, but she wanted to keep this to herself. It was Eugene who had brought Ga-eul out of her hiding place, as if she were a classroom decoration, and who had included her in their circle of friends. And Ga-eul slowly approached Han-gyul at her own pace. It would be interesting to see if she would draw a line, or if she would truly become what Han-gyul wanted. Hangyul, perhaps aware of this, acted impatiently. And so, their relationship developed: Ga-eul running away and Han-gyul chasing.
At first, it was just a child's game of tag. They touched each other's arms without hesitation, lightly patted each other's shoulders, and giggled. Then the tag grew more intense. He grabbed Ga-eul's wrist viciously and teased her sensitive spots. Ga-eul rationalized it as just a game of tag, but Han-gyeol pulled Ga-eul close, hugging her and grabbing her waist. Ga-eul had been sensing something was wrong, but Han-gyeol was faster than Ga-eul. When he finally grabbed her wrist roughly and threw her to the warehouse floor, Ga-eul knew it was too late to turn back.
When I was little, I went to the zoo with my older brother and grandmother, and I wrapped a long snake around my arm. Hangyeol took Gaeul to the storage room, grabbed her shoulders, and shook her violently, cursing. He clutched Gaeul's entire body and tore at her like a venomous snake. The venom of that "snake" melted her organs, clogged her mouth, and suffocated her. Finally, he left her sprawled on the storage room floor like a rag doll, the bell ringing for class in the distance.
Was Han-gyeol too impatient?
no.
Autumn, with her school uniform in disarray and the white snowfield with black soles on it, crouched down in the warehouse where Han-gyeol had left first, sobbing as she thought.
Because I'm too late. Because I'm too stupid.
Stupid Kim Ga-eul, Kim Ga-eul who couldn't even say no without Ahn Yu-jin. What did that ultimately drive her to? Ga-eul looked at her tie strewn across the warehouse floor. With blank eyes, she fiddled with it countless times. If Eugene hadn't happened to be passing by the warehouse on an errand for her gym teacher, and had sensed something strange and opened the door, Ga-eul might have hanged herself right then and there. Tears welled up as she saw Eugene. Eugene smoothed down Ga-eul's disheveled uniform and hugged her tightly. Tightly enough, she couldn't breathe. But that gave Ga-eul a sense of security. Could Han-gyeol and Ga-eul even be compared? As she cried so loudly she felt like she was dying of dehydration, she heard Ga-eul screaming, "Don't look! Get out of here!" Turn off your phone, turn off your phone. Ga-eul. Don't ever look at your phone. Delete Instagram and Facebook. Please. Listen to me. Eugene stroked Ga-eul's hair with his trembling hands and started talking incoherently, eventually stammering.
It's not your fault, Autumn. It's not your fault...
"well."
Han-gyeol's mother, dressed in what anyone could tell was luxurious clothing, spoke. Her eyes bore composure and confidence. He glanced briefly at Ga-eul and Yu-jin, then turned to the principal.
"Is there any evidence that Han-gyeol did this? I don't know what grudge the transfer student had against Han-gyeol that would lead him to do something like this, but the way he's framed it doesn't seem very believable."
The principal broke into a sweat, explaining to Han-gyeol's mother that this was simply to ensure Han-gyeol wasn't involved in this incident and that it wouldn't be recorded in the student records. Han-gyeol's mother closed the documents the principal had handed her, along with those submitted by Ga-eul and Yu-jin, and smiled faintly. "Thank goodness," she said.
“I understand you don’t like my son, student.”
Han-gyeol's mother looked straight into Ga-eul's eyes and spoke as if whispering in her ear.
"But is it really worth ruining someone's life over such a small emotion? There's no benefit to dragging this out, student. I'm going to fight to get you acquitted, no matter what. Even if it's true, why should you go around talking so carelessly about having sex with a man at that age?"
It won't benefit the students either. They already have a vague idea of how our country's laws work. So don't even think about making a big fuss here. I'm not advertising this as a broken mirror. And Eugene, if you hang out with someone like that, you'll end up ruining your own life. You might think it's because you're still young, but if something like this happens again, you'd better not even think about approaching Han-gyeol.
Autumn raised her trembling body and opened her mouth with difficulty.
“If I ever kill someone in the future, I hope it’s someone like you who’s the lawyer.”
“…”
“I’ll just end up like this too.”
She dropped out. The principal didn't seem particularly interested in a poor student living alone with her older brother on basic livelihood security. In fact, he seemed even more intrigued. Her homeroom teacher simply told her to think about her future and live wisely, without asking why she dropped out. Only Yujin, her bloodshot eyes wide, glanced at Ga-eul. Only Yujin knew why she had chosen to drop out, and why she was leaving Im Han-gyeol behind. It was the summer vacation ceremony, a day after Kim Ga-eul's disappearance.
An Yu-jin fought with Im Han-gyeol.
The day before the summer vacation ceremony, because of a transfer student who dropped out, they fought, pulling each other's hair and grabbing each other by the collar. It wasn't uncommon for a girl to beat a boy to a pulp, but when Im Han-gyeol was carried to the infirmary after being beaten like that, Yu-jin burst into tears in the middle of the hallway, causing an uproar throughout the school. There were speculations that An Yu-jin harbored resentment toward Im Han-gyeol, and that if "that" An Yu-jin was going to do something like that, then Im Han-gyeol must have committed a mortal sin. Fortunately, the situation ended with mutual apologies. It was possible because it was An Yu-jin, and it was possible because it was Im Han-gyeol. If either of them lacked the trust of the faculty, the school violence committee would have been convened.
"hey."
Han-gyeol looked back. The marks of the fight weren't just on Im Han-gyeol. Eugene, with a bandage over his scratched face, looked more desperate than anyone else, yet at the same time, seemed to have nothing more to lose.
“Are you serious?”
Eugene asked. Han-gyeol turned around and looked straight at Eugene.
“Hey, An Yu-jin. Think carefully.”
Why do we have to be torn apart like this because of him? Did he ever do anything for you? The kid who would have been the outcast in class without you has risen in social status thanks to you. My mom got called out to school because of him, and I've already had enough. Think carefully. I don't want our friendship to end like this, Han-gyeol said. Anger welled up in his calm tone. Eugene tried to calm down, but at the same time resisted the urge to tear out his messy hair.
“I’m going crazy.”
Eugene ran his hand through his hair.
“It’s unbelievable that I’ve been hanging out with someone like you all this time, calling you my best friend.”
Was this serious too? Yeah, right. Just like you scratched my face, you must have done it even more to Ga-eul. Like that all over her body… ! You must have been anxious because you couldn't scratch any deeper. Do you know what's really unbelievable to me? You, you did something like that and you're fine. Nothing has changed. Why does Ga-eul have to hide? Why does Ga-eul have to leave school? Why do you keep acting like nothing happened? Why the hell!
“Hey, An Yu-jin!”
“Why? Are you afraid that everything you’ve done will be revealed?”
Han-gyeol approached me as if he was going to hit me. Then, suddenly, he sighed and turned around.
"You chose wrong. Who would like hanging out with someone like that? Your parents?"
Don't make me laugh. From the moment he laid his body with me, he was a broken mirror.
Eugene spent the entire vacation trying to clear his head. He skipped school and didn't study well. His parents worried, wondering if he was sick, but Eugene was more worried about Ga-eul. As the third season approached, he yearned for Ga-eul even more. A few days after the opening ceremony, he finally answered a call from an unfamiliar number. It was the emergency room of a nearby hospital. The name on the other end was one Eugene had been mulling over every single day for the past month. It was a name that brought tears to his eyes just hearing it. Eugene immediately got dressed and rushed to the hospital. Even though he had a bike, even though he had money for a taxi, even though he could have taken his father's car, he ran. He wanted to ease the guilt that had lingered. No, perhaps he wanted to rationalize it. Perhaps he wanted forgiveness for not knowing what had happened, for using his own "shock" as a shield to ignore Ga-eul, who stood naked in the face of a hail of arrows. No, he wanted forgiveness. If only he could be forgiven, if only he could escape this crippling guilt, Eugene would gladly run to the hospital where Autumn was admitted, even if it was in Uruguay, on the other side of the globe.
“Kim Ga-eul!”
If only the name that I shouted out so loud, forgetting the place, would forgive me.
Gaeul placed a can of chocolate milk next to Eugene. She then opened the canned coffee she'd bought for herself. Gaeul gestured for him to drink. Gaeul sat quietly, holding the chocolate milk in her hand. The green trees and the pristine white hospital building formed a neat harmony. Gaeul spent a long time choosing her words. Gaeul chuckled and sat down next to him. It was always her job to hesitate and think of words. The IV drip standing next to Gaeul wasn't quite right. The awkward atmosphere between them was even more awkward, and they couldn't understand each other. Gaeul was the first to speak.
"how have you been doing?"
I tried to contact her, but I was too distracted to do so. The moment she heard the voice she had longed for, and the voice she had wanted to avoid, something welled up in Eugene's throat. She wanted to cry. She wanted to hold onto Ga-eul and cry for a long time. But she couldn't. A human wouldn't be able to do that, Ga-eul said. "You can cry if you want to." Eugene pressed his lips together and shook his head fiercely. "You're the one who's hurt the most. You're the one who's having the hardest time. Why would you say something like that? Why, why would you say something like that?" Feeling miserable, Eugene gripped the chocolate milk tighter.
“Why did you come to the hospital?”
Eugene spoke with difficulty. He had to ask very carefully, for any words felt like they would be like a knife, like a wound. Turn as far as possible, go as slowly as possible. Even if the accelerator pedal was there to comfort her, the accelerator was not there to get closer again.
“Just. I took some sleeping pills and passed out.”
Ga-eul answered again curtly. Eugene's lips trembled slightly. Ga-eul stood before him, her prayers seemingly meaningless. He took Ga-eul's hand.
“I didn’t know either, oppa.”
Oh, my brother was here… Eugene teased her poor fingernails. Ga-eul shrugged.
“It doesn’t matter anymore, huh.”
"Now that I'm home, I'll be alone," Ga-eul said. Eugene turned his head to face Ga-eul. Their eyes met awkwardly. Ga-eul took a deep breath and spoke as if sighing.
“I guess it was hard to bear that the little sister you raised with so much effort ended up like that.”
Because she was beating around the bush, Eugene struggled to understand Ga-eul's words. She expected more, but felt guilty about it. Ga-eul looked straight into Eugene's eyes. Her once calm lips trembled. When she opened her mouth, tears fell, drawing long lines down her face. "You know, Eugene."
“I… am now… an orphan….”
Did I kill him? Eugene, did I kill my brother? Did my brother jump because of me? If I had pushed Im… Im… ‘that kid’ away back then, if I had done something, would my brother still be alive? Eugene hugged Ga-eul tightly. Please don’t blame yourself. Ga-eul. Please. It’s not your fault. He hated himself for repeating the same thing like an idiot. Ga-eul hesitated, then entrusted herself to Eugene. And then, stammering through her tears, she spoke.
“Ha, but how could it not be my fault…? How… no matter how I think about it, it all feels like it’s my fault…”
아냐, 가을아. 그게 아니야. 넌…넌 그저 길을 가고 있었는데 어떤 미친 개새끼가 달려들어서 널 문 것 뿐이라고. 단지 그것 뿐이라고. 어째서 그것이 가을의 잘못이 되었는지, 왜 가을이 죄책감을 느낄 수 밖에 없는지 유진은 이해할 수 없었다. 깨진 거울. 그것이 왜 가을을 수식하게 되었는지. 어째서 아무도 거울이 깨진 것 같아 보인 것은 단지 누군가가 거기에 멋대로 검은 선을 그어버렸기 때문이라는 것을 모르는 걸까. 한참을 울고 난 뒤 가을이 유진의 손을 꼭 잡았다. 발갛게 충혈된 눈을 살짝 접으며 가을은 살포시 웃었다.
“When I get better… do you want to come to my house?”
It was a question, but also a request. Come. Come to my house. Gaeul met Eugene's eyes and waited patiently for an answer. Her easygoing personality seemed to be a strength only in situations like this. Eugene gripped Gaeul's hand tighter and spoke.
"okay."
The last cicada of late summer cried.
Mem
Mae-am
Mem
Mem
A new spring had arrived. He made new friends. Eugene waited patiently. That is, he looked forward leisurely and confidently until autumn became better. He had thought waiting was Autumn's job. But in a relationship, waiting shouldn't be the sole responsibility of one person. He was grateful that he had realized this before it was too late. Through early spring, late spring, and even early summer, Eugene waited. Waiting yields fruit. Even if autumn hadn't promised, even if autumn had lost its will to keep it, he was confident he could wait. It wasn't the childishness of a young student, nor was it a rash decision swept up in emotion. He was gradually becoming an adult. He placed canned coffee, the sound of cicadas, and ice cream eaten on a playground swing at the center of his being. He wanted to be able to run to their intersection at any time.
-Eugene
-Do you have time during the vacation?
“I cleaned for the first time in a while because you were coming.”
Ga-eul smiled brightly. But the house was pristine, as if it hadn't been dirty in ages. "What? It's cleaner than my room!" Eugene whined. The breeze from the fan was incredibly cool. Eugene put his luggage down in the living room and sat down next to Ga-eul. The greenery beyond the window was so lush, it was hard to believe a place like this existed. Eugene took a deep breath in the vibrant green and exhaled. He felt green filling his very core.
“How have you been?”
Ga-eul asked. Eugene shook his head and stuck out his tongue. "Don't be ridiculous, this is hell," said Eugene. Ga-eul chuckled and lay down on the floor. Eugene lay down next to her. "Should I not sleep over tonight?" Ga-eul asked, turning toward Eugene. Eugene answered without a moment's hesitation, as if he had been preparing for it for a long time. "Okay." Ga-eul smiled. She had secretly hoped she would smile more, but instead, she smiled along. The fresh air seemed to make her feel better. Ga-eul hugged Ga-eul first. "I really missed you," Ga-eul said calmly.
“I wish I had seen you more.”
"Really? Really?" Eugene said playfully. Ga-eul deliberately questioned. Eugene burst into another hearty laugh and said, "I'm telling you, it really is." Don't you believe me? She stroked her dyed hair, as if she'd been waiting for summer. Her blue hair scattered like grains of sand. "Pretty," she blurted out absentmindedly. The two of them spread their arms wide. The sound of the wind chimes hanging from the window could be heard.
Eugene strongly insisted that they couldn't just stay cooped up at home after so long, so they decided to go out and do what any high school student would do. Ga-eul followed along, fluttering like a paper doll. The first place their eyes landed was the "Life 4-cut" booth. The shutter clicked, and soon the photos were developed and released. Ga-eul paid. She carefully placed the photos in a plastic bag and entered the karaoke room right in front of the "Life 4-cut" booth. "It's been a really long time, karaoke," Ga-eul said. "I've only been to karaoke since I was ten with my brother." We put in some coins, turned on a random song, and sang. When our throats were almost hoarse, we left the karaoke room and wandered wherever our feet and hands took us. There was a sense of guilt about the unexpected overspending, but we were able to boldly let it go. The word "spontaneity" didn't suit Kim Ga-eul. Nevertheless, sometimes she would grab Eugene first, and they would laugh and chat together all day long. So that not a single gram of anxiety disappears.
“Was it fun?”
Eugene asked. They walked aimlessly through the night streets, their hands intertwined. A cool breeze blew through the sycamore trees. Gaeul nodded. Eugene was wearing unfamiliar earrings and an unfamiliar bracelet. A plastic cup of iced Americano, now empty, hung in her left hand, and a cup of tteokbokki and a hot dog skewer, too late to throw away, dangled from her right. Atop her head was a puppy headband, which Gaeul had thought would suit her. Gaeul was also a mess. The denim jacket that Eugene had generously given her as a birthday present, which she hadn't given him, hung draped over her head, and a stale ice cream cone was clutched in each hand. Her ears, pierced with the same piercings as Eugene's, dangled from her left wrist. The ingredients she'd bought for a cozy dinner the next evening were cluttered on her left wrist.
“Shall we go home?”
"good."
After returning home, the two collapsed on the floor. Their legs screamed out their limits the moment they arrived. Eugene looked at Ga-eul. "It was hard, wasn't it?" Eugene asked. Ga-eul shook her head and smiled brightly.
“Sometimes we should play like this.”
"I'll wash up first." Eugene lay alone, reeling from the afterglow of the day. After washing up, they both turned on the fan and turned off all the lights. In the dark room, Ga-eul and Eugene giggled, browsing through their phones. The conversation was unpredictable, and by the time they finally reached the tattoo, Ga-eul's eyes, staring at her phone screen—the only light in the pitch-black room—suddenly took on a mysterious glow. A small, simple tattoo design appeared. Ga-eul abruptly sat up. Then she asked.
“Do you want to try this?”
I returned to the place where I'd gotten my ears pierced. The owner seemed a little surprised by the return of customers, and by their rather late arrival. However, he soon showed me various designs and demanded a hefty price.
“Can we try it ourselves?”
Ga-eul asked. The owner seemed a little flustered, but readily agreed to help and let her try. They played rock-paper-scissors to decide the order. Ga-eul decided to go first. The place they were going to get their friendship tattoos was a place only the two of them knew about, a place most people probably wouldn't see. Ga-eul whined, saying she was being unnecessarily scared. Eugene listened to the owner's nagging, disguised as advice, as he tattooed a tiny heart on Ga-eul's shoulder blade. It was so tiny, you'd never find it if you didn't know it was there. The tattoo was completed in a short time. Next was Ga-eul's turn. True to her nature, Ga-eul carefully and meticulously drew the heart. She returned after getting the tattoo, satisfied with the result. She'd been told that getting a tattoo could limit her future career. Why would she bet her life on Kim Ga-eul alone? Ga-eul decided not to think about it. "You're really sleeping now. Don't open your eyes," Ga-eul said after lying down again. Ga-eul and Ga-eul hugged each other tightly. No, Ga-eul was absolutely obsessed with him. She desperately wanted to be clean. So Gaeul used Eugene. She hoped that if she stayed with this child, if she stayed in his radiant embrace every single day, perhaps even the footprints in the snow would fade. They held each other like that, closing their eyes. Gaeul sorted out her thoughts. Perhaps this too was harming Eugene.
Just after midnight, Ga-eul got up and put on her clothes. It was a denim jacket. She walked to the address she'd vaguely heard and still remembered clearly. Her legs ached as she walked, as if being cut by a knife, but she kept going. Unable to bring herself to ring the doorbell, she knocked. In the brief silence, she took a deep breath.
“Im Han-gyeol.”
Ga-eul said, looking straight at Han-gyeol, who opened the door to the sound of a knock late at night.
“Let’s talk.”
The rookie cop, who had been lounging around, barely suppressing a yawn, swore at a late-night phone call. He picked up the phone with a rascally demeanor and spoke in an annoyed tone.
“What are you doing out this late-”
“Are you a police officer?”
The woman on the other end of the line took a deep breath.
“I killed a person.”
Eugene squeezed his way through the crowd of flashes and people. Wiping away the tears that flowed involuntarily, he followed Ga-eul's back as she walked into the distance. At the same time, he thought, "If they use flashes like that, Ga-eul will have a headache..." He couldn't believe what had just happened. Just then, Han-gyeol's mother, her hair disheveled, ran out from the crowd. Despite four or five police officers attempting to stop her, she stood in front of Ga-eul and grabbed her by the collar, shaking her roughly.
"Why did you kill him? Why! I already forgave him! Why did you kill that beautiful boy!"
Ga-eul, who had been staring blankly, slapped away the hand that was holding her collar at the word ‘forgiveness.’
“You forgave me? Who the hell forgave you!”
The police stopped Han-gyeol's mother and pulled her away. Ga-eul's eyes were bloodshot.
“난 그 개새끼 용서한 적 없어!”
He screamed, almost screaming. Eugene's face turned pale and contorted. Yes, that was it. It was arrogance to think she was better. How could he have overlooked that? How could he have assumed that a wound stabbed with the sharpest knife would heal so quickly? Eugene could no longer chase Ga-eul, so he collapsed on the spot and wept like a child. He'll probably never know that Ga-eul had turned around before boarding the escort vehicle.
As Ga-eul's motive for murder was revealed, the case captured the nation's attention. School sexual violence. And the lenient punishment for the perpetrator. Despite countless flashes of light, the subject, still shrouded in darkness, resurfaced. Eugene, obediently packing her bags at her parents' behest to return home, watched the news every day, wiping away tears of despair. "I wanted to kill him. I felt like if I didn't, I would die first." The interrogation results released by the prosecution confirmed this. Guilt stabbed Eugene. While Eugene spent the summer of nineteen, Ga-eul remained in the summer of eighteen. And it wasn't because Ga-eul was slow.
Gaeul glanced sideways at the prosecutor in charge standing before her. His neat suit and name tag caught her eye. Kim Seokjin. Even the name was neat. He stared at Gaeul for a long moment before speaking.
“I have no desire whatsoever to cover up Mr. Ga-eul’s grievances.”
"I lost my sister like that, too," he said. "But that doesn't mean I can reduce Ga-eul's sentence. Only Ga-eul can reduce her own sentence. If she faithfully cooperates with the investigation, she will be given leniency. So, for your own sake, and for the sake of those who care about Ga-eul, I ask that you answer the questions sincerely." Ga-eul raised her head and looked the prosecutor in the eye. Then, slowly, interjecting, she spoke.
"I didn't even intend to kill him. At first. I hated him enough to kill him. I didn't think I'd feel any relief even if I tore him to pieces. But when I actually picked up the box cutter, I was so scared... I realized I'd really gotten this far... So I dropped the knife... and he attacked me again. That's why I killed him. I... I wanted to live so badly. No matter what anyone said... I wanted to live."
The prosecution announced that they would soon conduct an on-site investigation. Given the national attention on the case, they seemed intent on poking at every possible avenue. They didn't have the leisure to consider how cruel this could be to someone.
-“I killed because I wanted to live”… The screams of a teenage girl with no one by her side…
Eugene, upon seeing the headline, clutched her head and cried. Why was the world so cruel? Eugene resolved to somehow make it to the on-site verification site. It wasn't for her law school application. Gaeul needed Eugene. She needed someone to shield her from the awkward, perhaps even frightening, gazes that overflowed her small body. To say Gaeul had no one by her side was wrong. Gaeul had Eugene by her side.
It was clearly murder. The defense tried to capitalize on the statement that he had no intention of killing, but the prosecution fiercely dug into the subsequent statement, making it impossible to even charge assault resulting in death. Ga-eul tried to calmly accept the situation. She knew she would be punished, one way or another. The on-site investigation ended without much success for Ga-eul. She struggled to breathe, trying to regain her composure while simultaneously searching for Eugene. Fortunately, Eugene was nowhere to be found. She wished he hadn't come. Ga-eul didn't want to show herself falling so low. The lawyer spat out his last words, as if he had already given up.
"The only way we can win now is through emotional appeals. As you know, public opinion is on our side. We have to pressure the prosecutors. We have to pressure them into fighting the entire nation."
If you fought against 50 million citizens and can't even get a proper sentence, then maybe there will be a prosecutor who will ever wear the robe again. With those words, the lawyer patted Ga-eul on the shoulder and left the room. Ga-eul felt a strangeness in the lawyer speaking as if it were about someone else in a distant land. At the same time, she felt a faint pity for the prosecutor who would become the subject of the lawyer's words. Regardless of the outcome, Ga-eul resolved not to appeal. Sitting alone at night with less than three days left until the trial, Ga-eul could not have been more lonely.
"What is justice? Our society has no choice but to ponder this question. Some of you here may believe this murder is a justified act of justice for the victim who inflicted irreparable harm on himself. The prosecution, while investigating this case, has also detailed the incident from a year ago. Therefore, many will believe this is a just act of justice and that the victim received a fitting punishment for his crime."
At the prosecutor's words, Eugene turned his head to Han-gyeol's mother, who was sitting in the audience. Her eyes were empty. Did she know? Eugene held back every word that threatened to burst forth. Did she, at that moment, know that because of those words, two lives had already been ruined? Did she even know that one of them was her own son?
This incident has brought to the surface the problems inherent in our society: the absurdly lenient sentences compared to other countries, the clearly inadequate support for victims to heal all their wounds, and the complacency to simply cover it up and hope it doesn't leak out. While preparing for this trial, I pondered what responsibility I, as a prosecutor, should bear in this situation. And this is my conclusion: as a prosecutor—he spoke forcefully—my sole responsibility is to ensure the suspect receives the appropriate punishment.
The reason the defendant's murder cannot be justified lies precisely in the very reason for the existence of law. Without law, people would resort to emotion rather than reason to resolve issues. Like this case, second and third victims would constantly emerge, and ultimately, unless someone dies or is injured, the issue might never be resolved. As the saying goes, revenge breeds revenge, and murder will continue to breed murder. I felt it was my duty to break this vicious cycle.
This isn't meant to cover up the defendant's grievances. However, all citizens are protected by the law, and that protection applies equally to all, regardless of gender or age, including victims and suspects. This may sound cruel to some. It's understandable that I, my family, my friend, or my acquaintance were driven to the brink of death because of that person, and yet the perpetrator, as a citizen, deserves protection. This is understandable. Therefore, how to accept the defendant, who has transformed from victim to perpetrator, is a very difficult question we face. And my conclusion on this matter is as follows:
Eugene looked toward Ga-eul. Ga-eul was staring motionless at the prosecutor. Perhaps her gaze lingered on the robe. The pale, grayish clothes of the inmate felt unfamiliar.
"First, the perpetrator must receive the appropriate punishment for any crime. Second, the law must grant the perpetrator, as a citizen, the right to clear his criminal past and start anew after receiving the appropriate punishment. This second conclusion is especially important given that the defendant in this trial is still a minor. I sincerely hope that everyone here and the judge will consider all of this and render the best possible verdict for the victim and the suspect."
“Prosecutor, please give me a sentence.”
"I am…"
It must have been then that Eugene and Ga-eul's eyes locked. Only then did Ga-eul lower her head.
“I seek a sentence of 5 years and 2 months in prison for the defendant on the charge of murder.”
“Autumn, I’m here.”
"Are you doing well?" "Half of your face is gone," Eugene said worriedly. Ga-eul smiled faintly. "Just... be well," he said. Two months had already passed. Eugene placed his hand against the plastic window. A sigh escaped his lips. "I'll live hard. I'll really live hard. So you, you, never let anything go. Understand?" Ga-eul suddenly blurted out the words that came to mind, and Ga-eul burst out laughing. "I want to hug you." Ga-eul swallowed the words. Ga-eul placed her hand against Eugene's, beyond the plastic window. It was desperate. She wanted to hug Eugene right away, to feel that they were a person existing in the same space, and finally be free from this tiresome trace of Im Han-gyeol. Then Ga-eul carefully watched Eugene's expression.
“Eugene.”
Are you okay? Eugene flinched. He hung his head. Hangyeol was a criminal. A criminal who had used his parents' influence to cover up his crimes. He'd thought death was a good thing. But old ties weren't easily severed. Eugene held a double-edged sword. He didn't know whether he would stab Gaeul or Hangyeol with it. He was confused. He was the one who had been so furious, almost killing himself. After a moment, Eugene raised his head and smiled. Gaeul smiled too. Because something had come up that they didn't want the other to see. When the visiting hour ended, Eugene stood first. "Make sure you eat, and I'll definitely come when I'm less busy!" Eugene said, striking a fighting pose. Gaeul nodded quietly, secretly hoping he wouldn't come. She hated how pathetic she had become. At the same time, she was also grateful, almost to the point of irritation, that Gaeul had given her a piece of her life. She couldn't understand why he would do such a favor that she couldn't repay, to the point of consuming her. What am I saying? What's a broken mirror without a family? Ga-eul witnesses the following truth as she watches Eugene's back as he leaves the meeting room, his movements as if in slow motion.
First, for Kim Ga-eul, An Yu-jin was someone she would never have again in her life. A friend like love, a longing like a friend. A vague sense of unease, and the reason she always leaned on Yu-jin whenever that arose, was also that. Like a child leaning on their parents. A one-sided relationship of dependence only exhausted both parties. Ga-eul didn't expect her to be her support forever. She couldn't. She didn't feel worthy of it. How could she ever utter the word "friend" to Yu-jin again?
Second, Ahn Yu-jin wasn't an NPC in Kim Ga-eul's life game. She couldn't expect her to always be there. It was even more unacceptable to leave Yu-jin by her side after putting her through this. Ga-eul thought about the countless relationships that had passed her by. She sighed and clenched her fists. Even Yu-jin's kindness could fade someday. Ga-eul had been mindful of this for quite some time. But despite all her preparation, the reality she faced was even more bleak than she had anticipated. So Ga-eul asked herself bluntly: "What are you truly afraid of?" And the answer to that question was the third truth.
Third, Kim Ga-eul can't live without An Yu-jin.
Ga-eul crouched in her room, silently contemplating. When she heard it was dinner time, she considered leaving, but then thought of Eugene and stood up. "You've become Ahn Yu-jin's exclusive android now, Kim Ga-eul." Even with that sarcastic remark, her heart still didn't feel at ease. She'd realized that her lifeline was Eugene's. She sat at a random table, carrying a plate of rice, tofu and soybean paste stew, kimchi, and roasted seaweed. It seemed like all the gossip among the women, my age or perhaps a little older, was directed at me.
"there."
Ga-eul flinched at the hand patting her shoulder. It was a habit. More precisely, a habit she'd developed since coming here. "Why are you so surprised?" the conman, a third-year university student, snapped, as if offended.
“Are you sure you really killed someone?”
“…”
“No, no matter who looks at it, it doesn’t look like someone who killed someone. Oh, do people lose their minds when they get raped?”
Autumn kicked the table and stood up. Her eyes were bloodshot.
"what?"
“Oh, what!”
“What did you say, you crazy bitch!”
"What? Are you crazy? You're really losing your mind. Are you done talking?"
As they were fighting, grabbing each other's hair, security guards arrived and separated them. Silence fell. Gaeul left the restaurant first.
“The college entrance exam is just around the corner.”
“Yeah… It’s getting colder… It really feels like the end now.”
"I'll come back after the CSAT!" Eugene waved, smiling brightly as usual. Gaeul suddenly stood up and spoke, watching Eugene leave the interview room.
“Eugene.”
It was the first time she'd heard such a loud voice, so Eugene instinctively turned. There was already a room-length gap between them. That seemed to be the exact distance between her and Eugene, so Ga-eul wiped her eyes for no reason. She tried to speak as calmly as possible. If she wavered here, both Eugene and herself would harbor another regret. Hoping for another chance, she'd look back. But that wasn't right. For Eugene's sake, Ga-eul had to remain just another page, a line in his life. It was a broken mirror. Everyone pointed to Ga-eul and said that. A broken mirror had to be thrown away, lest the person holding it get hurt. That's why Ga-eul had to break this relationship first. Even if that was the ending of the Little Mermaid who dropped the dagger. A broken mirror. Those words, which she'd rather refuse to acknowledge than die, felt real. Cutting the thread is sharp.
Because it's just a broken mirror.
“From now on…don’t come here.”
"what?"
“This is enough for now.”
Don't hold onto me anymore, and don't even think of me as your friend anymore. Live your own life. Never trust your life to anyone else again, and don't act foolishly or impulsively. Let's break up now. Let's be the kind of people who bury their faces in their phones when we see each other on the subway, who avoid each other's eyes at the end of the crosswalk. You do all this for me, but I'm already broken, I'm already shattered, and there's nothing I can do for you. I regret my life, and I feel like I'm going crazy. That was the ending I was afraid of. Yes, that's why I was afraid of you coming closer.
Eugene's face paled, her mouth gaping open. Gaeul felt the liquid running down her cheek, and she sincerely hoped Eugene wouldn't see it. Because Gaeul could sense it. That Eugene was crying.
“That’s why… That’s why, Eugene…”
Don't come to me again.
“Promise me.”
“Autumn…this is…”
“Promise me!”
Even though Eugene's face was already sufficiently wounded, Ga-eul screamed. "I can't." Through the quiet sobs, Eugene's voice spoke. "No matter what you say... I can't do that," Eugene said. Ga-eul hesitated for a moment at the variable. Ga-eul was missing the other one.
Fourth, you must not take for granted what Eugene has done for you.
Autumn lowered her head for a moment and thought.
“Then let’s do it like this.”
Next time you come, sit a centimeter away from me. And the next time, and the next. Ga-eul kept talking, even though it felt like her heart was being ripped out. As if she had been given a mission to pour it out right now. Eugene stared blankly.
“…So later on you won’t even come here.”
Five years from now, he'll be exactly 1826 centimeters. Converted to meters, that's 18.26 meters. As Ga-eul spoke, the desperation in her eyes still palpable, and Eugene unconsciously reached out and ran towards her.
“Eugene.”
“Yeah… yeah, Autumn.”
“Don’t you throw away your life for me anymore?”
I'm a murderer. What kind of fool would throw away their life for a murderer? Seeing Ga-eul's stubborn demeanor, even while crying, Eugene had no choice but to swallow his next words.
You're my friend. You're my friend before you're my murderer. Who would let a friend be like that?
But Ga-eul truly wanted it. Eugene could sense it. The desperate struggle of a wounded young soul to stop causing further harm. Eugene couldn't demand any more guilt. Anything more was greed, selfishness. They were friends. Before they were murderers, they were friends. Ironically, it was precisely because of those words that Eugene had to let Ga-eul go.
The subway stopped at Gangnam Station. Despite the hot weather, Eugene was busy pushing away his classmate who was crossing his arms and squealing. Line 2 entered the station and stopped. The doors opened as usual, and people poured out. Eugene watched the people getting off helplessly, then suddenly let out a short sigh, "Ah," at the sight of a familiar outline. The outline raised its head. Their eyes met. Just as Eugene was about to call its name, the outline turned its head. Eugene, lost track of the destination of his outstretched hand, quietly watched Ga-eul's back. As Line 2 departed, Ga-eul's heart, clearly visible through the crowd, echoed like a heartbeat, the words pierced by merciless others, and ultimately by himself.
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