One day, my heart said it was dying.
07 | Anxiety and Sensitivity
What a bad idea…
It's like a bird flying overhead
There is no way to stop it.
_[Martin Luther King]
Two months have already passed since Sua was admitted to this hospital and began receiving treatment.
After speaking with the attending physician that day, I'd repeatedly told Su-ah and her mother that clinical trial drugs were dangerous...
한 수아
…Jungkook-.
한 수아
I'm sorry... If you're going to keep repeating the same thing, leave.
전 정국
Su-ah, talking to your mother like this...
전 정국
You know I'm saying this because I'm worried about you..-
한 수아
If you worry about me!!
한 수아
Just let me do what I want.
전 정국
…Hansooah-..
한 수아
If only I could live like this now... I want to hold on to even this thin thread of hope...
So I gave up on trying to convince her. Or should I say I didn't convince her?
Like Su-ah, I, too, wanted to cling to that single ray of hope that she might survive.
And is our fervent wish finally about to come true?
The drug, which is still in clinical trials, seems to be working well and showing results.
Although Sua was very small, her condition was improving day by day, and seeing her like that naturally made me feel better too.
담당 주치의
Ms. Hansooah, how are you feeling today?
한 수아
I think it's getting better-.
담당 주치의
Well then, that's good..
담당 주치의
The test results are also showing improvement, although slight, as shown in the numbers…
한 수아
I'll be able to be discharged soon, right?!
전 정국
Han Su-ah, hearing those words doesn't mean you'll feel better.
한 수아
Tch, but... -
Before I knew it, Su-ah and I had forgotten that the doctor was in front of us and started bickering and talking.
The doctor chuckled as if he found us funny, then looked at me and Su-ah in turns and said.
담당 주치의
Then I'll see you again tomorrow during rounds.
전 정국
Thank you, teacher.
담당 주치의
No, it's something that should be done.
담당 주치의
Ah, patient Hansooah-.
한 수아
yes-?
담당 주치의
You know that if there's anything that makes you uncomfortable, you should tell me right away, right?
한 수아
Yes, yes, I know.
담당 주치의
No matter how small it is, you have to say it right away?
한 수아
Oh my... Teacher, my ears are going to get stuck-.
Sua pouts and makes a pouty expression.
Then the doctor, seeing that sight, sighed and answered.
담당 주치의
The patient said that, but then didn't say anything last time either, so I only found out a week later after the checkup and looking at the chart...
담당 주치의
Do you remember that-?
At the doctor's words, Su-ah looked out the window and avoided eye contact. The doctor sighed repeatedly at her behavior and spoke to me.
담당 주치의
If any problems arise, please let me know immediately.
전 정국
Yes, don't worry-.
After the doctor left the room, she turned her head slightly and glanced at the door, as if confirming that the doctor had left.
Then I sat down comfortably and sighed.
한 수아
Anyway..- That teacher nags too much-.
I smiled slightly as I looked at Su-ah, and I approached her and stroked her head.
전 정국
Why, now that you seem to be feeling a little better, are you bored with the hospital room?
한 수아
Ugh, I'm so bored...
한 수아
But with this level of resilience, the first snowfall is not in the hospital, but in the patient's gown...
한 수아
I guess I'll be able to see you outside wearing pretty clothes?!
전 정국
Yeah, let's watch it together then-.
한 수아
Oh, just imagining it makes me so happy-..
Sua looked at me and smiled like a little child, and I found that sight so lovely.
Because she was so lovely, I gently kissed Su-ah on the lips.
전 정국
For a moment you looked so lovely-.
한 수아
Ugh... Anyway-.
한 수아
Are you saying that the ogling comments are always the same?
전 정국
Yeah, I'm going to keep doing this until you're so groggy you're almost like a squid-.
While we were laughing and talking to each other...
Knock knock-.
한 수아 어머니
Suah, mom is here.
한 수아
Hey mom, are you here?
전 정국
Mom, are you here?
한 수아 어머니
Jungkook, thank you so much for always being by our Suah's side when I'm away.
전 정국
No, of course it should be like that..-
한 수아 어머니
Still... I know very well that it's not easy at your age to pay hospital bills by working part-time.
As the period of hospitalization increased, the increasing hospital bills began to become a burden.
As her mother was raising Sua alone, the burden only grew.
That's why, starting last month, I didn't want to leave my mother to bear the burden alone, because I knew better than anyone that it would be difficult for her to handle it alone.
So I decided to start working part-time and help pay for Su-ah's hospital bills, even if it was just a little.
한 수아
You're going through a lot because of me...
한 수아
My mom and my boyfriend too...
Sua clutched the blanket tightly with both hands and made a bitter expression.
Looking at her face like that, I hardened my expression and slowly opened my mouth to speak.
전 정국
…Han Su-ah-.
전 정국
Didn't I say that if you talk like that, I'll get angry?
She answered my words with a forced smile.
한 수아
Ah-.. Okay, I'm sorry..!
전 정국
…If you’re sorry, don’t say that again-.
한 수아
Okay, I won't do that-.
한 수아
Honey, I have to go to work quickly! I'll be late at this rate.
전 정국
Okay, I'll be back-..
As I opened the hospital room door and slowly walked down the hallway, Su-ah called out to me from behind.
한 수아
Jungkook-!
전 정국
Yeah, Suah, why-?
She looked at me silently for a moment, then slowly opened her mouth.
한 수아
… love you-!
전 정국
…-
Why is that…?
전 정국
Yeah, I love you too, Suah-..
Your words of love that always sounded sweet to me...
Why do I sound so anxious today..?
Your lips that say you love me...
Your lovely appearance...
Why do I look so anxious..?
This anxiety I feel right now... is it just my imagination?
Yeah, don't think too hard about it, Jeon Jungkook..-
That's right, it's just my imagination.
Maybe I...-
It must be because I've become very sensitive...
But that anxiety and sensitivity...
It's been on my mind all day.