"Tell Me You Hate Me"

Part Five

*4 WEEKS LATER* Hyunjin- "Yn, I think we need to break up." Yn- "I beg your pardon."

Hyunjin- "I’m breaking up with you so unless you want to be dumped, make it mutual.

"I’m also transferring schools next semester so you won’t have to worry about seeing me around and things getting awkward."

He stood and finished the last swallow of his hot coco before setting the cup on the table with a little more force than was necessary.

Was he angry at me? What did I do wrong? Hyunjin- "We were always better as enemies anyway. See you around, Yn. Or not. It doesn’t matter."

Then he turned and walked out of the cafe. I hate him. I spent the next several hours, or so I assumed, sitting in that spot, unmoving.

Part of it was from shock, and part was a lack of courage to face the world now. We were always better as enemies. He had said that to me.

He really did hate me. Were all of the sweet things he told me when we were together just sparked by hormones?

I thought his feelings ran deeper than an enemy’s- deeper than a boy’s. He had said they did. All the time. And I let myself feel it.

And then he lied. And told me, not only that everything he felt, but also everything that I felt, meant nothing to him.

I’ve known him half his life and despite the fact that the majority of our interactions were arguing, I thought I knew him better.

The trail home was a long, slow one.

I pondered everything I had done over the past month to figure what set him off but nothing significant came to mind.

Whether it was my fault or his, I didn’t know, but I hoped he would forgive whomever it was.

Finals week ended after a blur. I barely passed.

The first several days of winter break were spent on the couch in pajamas. There was obviously no other coping option.

But eventually, as all mothers do, mine got fed up with my moping and sent me to the grocery store with a list.

After gathering all she had requested, I made one final stop. This was not on the list but I felt like I needed it right now-

The ice cream aisle was empty except for one man covered by the frost on the door he had open.

Unfortunately, it was exactly the section I needed to get into and I had no intention of having more than the necessary interactions today.

I would wait. And so, I opened the door next to his and pretended to be pondering my options. A moment later, he mumbled something.

??- "This one is her favorite, but this one is mine." He let out a huff of breath. The poor man was having a dilemma.

I didn’t want to respond but the sooner he made a decision, the sooner I could get my choice and get out of there.

Yn- "Get both." ??- "Good idea. One can never have too much ice cream."

I thought I heard a smile lift the end of his statement, which was strange because that was the saying at the ice cream shop I worked at.

But that was on the other side of town. Did he realize the connection he made and smile at that, or does he just genuinely believe that?

??- "Since your philosophy is to get both, what are you contemplating about?"

Yn- "Which one not to get. Despite your statement, one can have too much ice cream. Even after a breakup." ??- "Funny. Same here."

He backed out of the freezer, letting the door fall shut and in that moment, I risked a glance at him and our eyes met. Stupid risks.

I turned and began marching away. But about halfway through my journey out of the isle, I stopped, turned, and walked right back up to him.

He was still in place, likely shocked that he didn’t recognize my voice; I was shocked that I didn’t recognize his. But I had to know.

Yn- "What did I do wrong?" Hyunjin- "What do you mean?"

Yn- "Why did you break up with me? I must have done something wrong or else you wouldn’t have dropped me so cold."

Hyunjin- "I told you to make it mutual so you weren’t dumped." I folded my arms across my chest and pointed my nose in the air.

Yn- "It is mutual." Hyunjin- "Then why do you care for my side of the story and my reasons?"

Yn- "I don’t. I just like being held in high regard and I don’t like thinking I did something wrong."

Hyunjin- "It’s not what you did, it’s what you didn’t do." Yn- "And what was that?" Hyunjin- "You never once told me you loved me."

Yn- "Love is a big commitment." I tried to brush it off casually but he did have a point. He gave me a disbelieving look.

Hyunjin- "Love is a big commitment? Between lovers? Yn, love isn’t even a commitment between acquaintances- it’s expected- it’s given.

"I'd have been fine even if you only loved me as a friend. But you kissed me like we meant more. You spent time with me like you liked it.

"And now I’m just confused because I never actually got from you what I needed but I felt like I gave you everything."

I felt oddly defensive. Yn- "Are you trying to break up with me again? I can only take it once, Hyunjin. I got it the first time."

Hyunjin- "I guess I’m just trying to convince myself." He stuttered through. Yn- "Of what?"

Hyunjin- "… that we shouldn’t be together. That we can’t be."

Yn- "And why should we not be together? Beside my three little words, what’s holding you back?"

It seemed like he was convincing himself not to love me. Like maybe there was another factor in our conflict. Only, I didn’t know about it.

He took his time answering and when he did it was softly. He finally gave in to the insecurities that were stopping him.

He finally submitted to his feelings and accepted them as the truth that was separating us. Hyunjin- "You deserve the world, Yn.

"You deserve the world and I can’t give that to you."

He thought he wasn’t enough for me? A spring of tears almost caught me off guard but I took a deep breath and redirected my thoughts.

Yn- "How stupid are you? You are my world!" I stared at him in awe but he made no sign of receiving or believing my words.

Rage began boiling my blood. I stomped around him to the freezer he was standing in not long ago and opened the door to the cold.

I snatched my favorite flavor but hesitated before grabbing the flavor right next to it. It was his favorite. I nearly slammed the door.

I stomped back to Hyunjin, took the containers from his hands, and put them in my cart, heading straight for the check out line.

He said nothing this entire time and didn’t bother trying to argue when I paid for all four containers.

He likely could tell I would not put up with his defiance in my current mood and thus chose safety over chivalry.

Once we were outside and ready to part ways, I shoved one of the bags with each flavor in it into his arms and declared:

Yn- "Take this. And don’t come back until you’ve convinced yourself not to hate me, but to love yourself instead."

With that, I went home to deliver the groceries my mother had asked for.