Even though I came home after a week,
As if I went out yesterday and came back today
The house was tidy.
It's like time travel,
I didn't feel like I was missing anything in the house.
I sat on the sofa for a moment and took a breather.
I hung up my coat and came into the kitchen.
For you and the kids who will be coming home soon
I bought dinner and put the ingredients in the refrigerator.
Fortunately, the inside of the refrigerator speaks of my empty space.
It was clean except for the side dish containers like kimchi.
Yeah, I'm glad my absence is felt here.
.
.
.
You told me not to keep too much in my hands.
Even if it gets damaged and is thrown away
Me filling it up so that the ingredients don't run out
You were always displeased.
That was understandable..
Because vegetables often withered and were thrown away...
“Can’t you just buy a little bit at a time whenever you need it..?”
You asked me...
But what makes me feel so empty?
I couldn't stand it without them always there.
Various cooking ingredients, clothes I wore as a child...
The diaries I've written so far, my records,
My books and my little things...
I was hugging everyone like an idiot.
If these were to disappear, it felt like a part of my already fragmented life would disappear.
You, who have probably been living a consistent life by focusing on one thing
It must have been difficult to understand this feeling...
But now that I think about it
This damned possessiveness and hoarding desire of mine
What I couldn't control was,
Not because of my fragmented life,
Actually, I think it's just because I didn't try hard enough.
If I had taken care of myself,
If you tried to love me,
The things I was holding
If you've ever looked at it properly,
Distinguish between what is important and what is not
I could have sorted it out.
I have them, but I haven't looked at them again.
Except for meeting you in the life I've lived
It was painful to reunite with my past and life.
Maybe you were trying to take care of me like that,
I pushed all those things away because of my pride...
So now you, the only one who had meaning in my life,
Am I going to lose..?
.
.
.
As I was cooking, I thought about this and that.
The stew for dinner is ready.
I think it would be okay to finish it by adding a few more vegetables right before dinner.
Let's chop up the green onions we'll use then...
Tong tong tong
A pleasant sound is heard on the cutting board.
.
.
.
Should I make your favorite stone pot rice after a long time?
I put the stone pot here... Will it still be there?
When I opened the cupboard, it was also neatly organized.
Like my heart... things that were piled up like a fire
Just like how you were always neat and tidy
It was organized so that it was easy to see at a glance.
Here is Lee Tae-joo... My scent has disappeared.
Fortunately, I didn't throw away the stone pot...
Take out the heavy pot from the bottom shelf.
While I'm cleaning the stone pot
I also wash all the dishes that I used to make stew a little while ago.
Suddenly, I remember the nagging he used to do.
"Taeju, watch what I do..
Just wipe it like this~ It's not difficult, right..?
If it's too hard, I can do the dishes.. "
How could...
Someone who has lived a very busy life since childhood...
Do you even know all this?
You didn't force me though...
Whenever I feel like I'm lacking something
I hated myself so much for being so inadequate.
Actually, when I married you
I can make everything fit for you.
I was what I thought...
At some point your advice or recommendations
I couldn't accept it because my pride was hurt.
So, I think I just acted more the opposite way, worse.
With the excuse of the kids, with the excuse of my work,
You who wanted to retire and live in peace
They drove me out and harassed me.
I think I can start to organize things little by little now...
Is it too late..?
I sat down to eat... and cleaned up the messy kitchen...
Now I sat down at the table to catch my breath,
Beep beep beep beep
I hear the front door opening, and you come in.
Even though it's only been a week since I saw you
It was as if we were together until morning and then went out as usual.
Your face was indifferent, without a shred of joy.
"Are you here?"
"uh.."
He came to the kitchen and peeked out at me.
You turn around and go into your room.
"Excuse me... Jungkook, would you like a cup of tea?
I was thinking of having a cup of coffee now.."
Against the door that was as firmly shut as his heart
I asked.
"Okay. It's okay."
Your cold voice hits me back.
"It's time for the kids to come home, so I'll be back down soon.."
While I was drinking coffee alone
You are here to pick up the children's kindergarten car
I went out the front door again.
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continue..
This is something I wrote from time to time
I'll upload it again when I feel like it~~
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