I went inside, leaving the man to think about his feelings and mine after eating (since I was the only one who left), and took the opportunity to go to the store and buy something special for dinner.
It would take me some time since I'd never made it before. I asked Jin about my doubts during my walk before dinner; I didn't know what the correct flavor was supposed to be... jampong noodles...
I must be really in love to learn to cook these things and surprise him, since I don't usually base my cooking on what Koreans eat. I cook my dishes with what I have on hand. With the help of the owner's wife, I also got some suitable side dishes and learned how to prepare fresh kimchi in small quantities for the three of us.
The lady says that if a man falls in love with your cooking, he'll be yours... well, I don't think it's that easy, but anyway... it won't hurt to try.
In the afternoon, I prepared some things in advance and went out under the pretext of getting ice cream so that he wouldn't suspect what I do in the kitchen.
I heard him clearly, he wants to be with me, I guess it's my turn to tip the scales in my favor...
I've already realized that if we become a couple it would be difficult... I love him... I'll even accept that I'll do something I've always refused to do before traveling here... while I have the chance... I'll earn it.
I know a lot of people who would kill for the opportunity I was given; they just don't realize everything they'll have to give up to be in this position, or the consequences that come with it.
My heart and my head agree, nothing truly good comes without effort and your best disposition, the same applies to him.
I want to be in his life because I like him, so the best thing I can do is love him properly, the way I've learned is right. Step by step, without rushing, learning to manage my feelings for Yoongi; learning how to make him feel better and safer by my side, loving him just as he is, learning about myself, and figuring out what I want from him...
I've already realized how impressed I am. I try to remember that, like me, he's not perfect and that I should think twice about my actions and words.
I spent all my time on the phone with Jiwoo, she was stressed... she accepted her boyfriend's marriage proposal but preparing everything and not talking about anything else was killing her, she liked my curiosity about Korea and my frustration in understanding Yoongi, the man I like.
She has a boyfriend and it turns out I'm interested in her brother's friend, so after our interest in his talent for putting clothes together we end up talking about many things, a little bit of everything and nothing in particular because we see things differently, we really talked for hours.
Jiwoo is an open-minded person like me, and I think that helped us a lot to start our friendship, even though we only know each other through a screen.
JWSeriously... if it were up to me, he'd be eating whatever delivery service he could find for the rest of his life.
Bb: 🤣🤣🤣 Think about your brother, I'm sure he also has trouble dating someone in secret.
JWAt least he knows how to win over the girl he likes...
BbWell, I'm sure they'll give her advice to help; everyone has been quite kind to me since learning about my feelings.
JWDoes everyone already know that you like Suga?
BbYes, in front of them I don't have to hide, or with you, I know they won't spread the gossip, also PS, because he's my agent and he's the one who has to help us so we can see each other.
JWNo wonder my brother tries to get things out of me...
Bb:🤣🤣 Well, tell Hoseok, you guys know Yoongi much better, don't you? Although I think I understand... and don't worry too much about me, everything's fine.
BbHe's having trouble with what people are telling him on the phone... it sounds like they're scolding him.
JWDo you think so? It seems to me that he's sleeping.
BbAsk your brother 🧏♀️
JW:😱 You can read Yoongi, it gives me goosebumps.
BbNothing special, you probably do it all the time with your boyfriend and your family.
Oh... something happened... how funny... didn't he like the idea?
JW:🤣🤣 Yes, I didn't tell you, but... they're convincing him to do something really cheesy.
BbWell, good luck with that 🤣🤣🤣, I have to get ready for dinner, dear 😅
JW: 😉 See you later, sweetheart.
I texted Yoongi that dinner was ready, and that they shouldn't wait for me to start because I needed to refresh myself after so much work in the kitchen.
I knocked on the guard's door to tell him about the dinner, that there was also a place at the table for him. I did this just before going upstairs to choose pajamas and go downstairs to take a shower; I still smelled like food.
I was in a hurry, so they didn't suspect a thing about the surprise I had prepared for dinner. I put on some nice clothes, especially my underwear, and played dumb about their reaction to what I was wearing; I chose it carefully.
I sat down at the table, acting casual and asking if they wanted rice like me.
The guard almost choked when he saw me. Yoongi didn't know why he was reacting that way until I got up to get more rice.
- Are we celebrating something? You prepared a lot.
No, I wanted to try something different. I hope everything is alright. I asked Jin for help beforehand, to see what it's supposed to taste like... you should send a picture to your mother, then ask her if you're eating well.
- I already made one for the boys to make them jealous.
I sat down next to him; it was an interesting dinner. I pretended that I hadn't put any effort into all the details I prepared.
I quickly went upstairs to my room to do my nighttime routine and rest... Yoongi followed me and said he would shower before going to bed. I fixed my hair, which wasn't dry yet, and put on my creams while I waited to hear his footsteps so I could apply body lotion to my legs.
- Baby... you shouldn't be walking around the house like that.
I forgot my sweater upstairs; I thought they'd leave me with nothing before I had time to go get it and come back.
- Baby...
- Hmm? You should dry your hair, come on, I'll do it for you.
She came to sit on the bed, and I stood between her legs to dry her hair. I felt the tips of her fingers touching my legs.
She smiled as she played with her hair. Once it was dry, I appreciated that she allowed me to apply some skin treatment and give her a little massage.
- Baby, don't you know what you're doing to me?
- I can't read her mind... you tell me.
- You're driving me crazy, I've been wanting to take this off you since we had dinner downstairs.
- Well... what do you want to do now?
"I want to make you mine," he said, caressing my legs up and down. I straddled him, and he touched everything on his way down to my waist.
- It seems there's something you don't understand... the moment I realized I loved you, I already wanted to be yours, now let me see if I can make you mine.
But that wasn't the case; I was about to say those words to make myself stop... I had doubts, I got up, turned around, took off the damn pajamas and the cursed lace bra. I dressed in the ugliest t-shirt, shorts, and rummaged through my suitcase to find the biggest sweatshirt.
When I reached the door frame, I stopped and looked at him over my shoulder:
- Things!
-That?
What you were thinking when I was on top of you a second ago, begging you to make me yours.
- This is not my princess...
- Yoongi, I think you only see what interests you... I'm not a princess... just a stupid girl who thinks she's enough for you - I don't even notice the tears falling but they do, and I feel empty inside, as if a switch has been turned off, I don't care, as if nothing in this world is worth it anymore.
- Baby wait, let's talk please - I crossed my arms and turned around to face him and waited for him to start....it took him a long time.
- I'm sorry... I already told you I'm not a nice guy...
Go tell it to someone who will listen. What you are, Yoongi... is a coward. Why can't you forget your past? You don't know me. Don't lump me in with the same kind of women who expected something from you. Listen carefully to this: I don't need anything, I don't need you. I can do whatever I want... even take the first flight back home and forget I was ever here. I have enough to cancel my contract, and even if I didn't... I'd probably do it anyway. I want to give you the best of me, Yoongi... Let's see if what you still don't know about me is enough to make you go home. At least I won't be wasting my time on something that's not going to happen.
- Are you going to punish me?
Do you really think I'm playing games? Are you amused? Are you happy about it? Do you have the slightest idea how I feel every time you reject me? Do I mean anything to you, and do you feel like I'm punishing you?
- So why are you trying to seduce me?
"I don't know... it turns out I'm pathetic enough to beg you... the desire isn't going anywhere, Yoongi, it's not going to magically disappear just because you felt sorry for me one day and we touched each other a little while sharing some kisses... but don't worry, it will fade with time, this isn't going to happen again no matter how much I like you, Yoongi... I like myself much more. I'd like things to work out between us, but I don't feel like being cute and kind anymore, but that's what I wanted to show you, so no one would worry too much, so I wouldn't matter to them too much, even though I like being cute. Now, if you don't mind, I need some time for myself."
Where are you going?
- To the sofa
Please stay by my side.
Try not to hug me.
- Because?
- Because I love you Yoongi and it hurts every time you... forget it!
I took my phone and plugged in the cable to listen to music to fall asleep; I chose Evanece and turned the volume up high enough so I couldn't hear anything else.
I went to my side of the bed and tried to focus on my music and not on the movement of the mattress.
I closed my eyes trying to protect myself from looking at the man lying next to me, a man I didn't understand... but whom I could read with just a glance.
Suga's P/V:
Baby is beautiful from head to toe. As she walks, she almost makes me forget that the bodyguard is here too. She couldn't stay still. I could see how much she wanted to touch me under the table, but she held back, trying not to be in the guard's field of vision... this was really just for me.
I washed up and put on my perfume (I'm sure she loves it) before going upstairs to our room. I was exhausted, but I didn't say anything. Baby dried my hair and took care of my skin.
I told her how much I desired her, so she straddled me to tell me to do something about her desire, but I couldn't recognize my sweet, pretty little princess... so desperate for my caresses.
She's brave enough to consider my slight doubt sufficient to cancel her plans to seduce me. She changed her clothes and I saw the flirty lingerie she had chosen for me, but she left it all there, as if it were trash.
I hurt her, my love was wrong because I disregard her feelings. I've heard her a million times that she can't control her feelings, but Baby can forget everything, even me... even if she has to cross the planet to stay put until she learns to look at me without feeling love.
I knew she was different, very different from the beginning... but I didn't think she would notice my fears or that she could see it in my eyes.
But my feelings for her... are so stuck that I'm unable to tell her.
Baby's tears respond to my voice; every time I open my mouth they fall large and round, but as if she doesn't feel them, she does nothing to clean herself.
Her words seriously make me think twice about the kind of woman she could be. She loves me, but it's also true that she shouldn't be doing so much to win my affection because I love her and I need her to show me a different path, one where I don't end up hurt and miserable.
I know she can't be nice and friendly all the time, Baika is good at protecting herself because she loves herself more than she loves me... that's how it should be.
Baby is stronger than I thought; in that small body of hers there is a woman who can make her dreams come true, because happy or not, she is the only one making the decisions of her life.
He doesn't regret anything, and I'm starting to believe that the love he claims to have for me isn't going to disappear no matter how much he says he's going to abandon that idea.
The reality about his desire is that he really has no control over it, and believe me, nothing in this world will make me make a mistake like today's again.
She was doing everything in her power to handle it, maybe she's right... and hiding our unpleasant side was doing us more harm than good.
I pulled her to the middle of the bed, she didn't resist, Baby stayed still.
*I love you Yoongi*...even when hurt and frustrated, her love doesn't disappear easily.
I tugged on his headphones to get his attention.
- Baby, I need you, please don't give up on me... love me, even if it hurts.
- Yoongi, it doesn't hurt me to be in love with you, it hurts not even being able to hug you when... I... Yoongi, I don't need promises, or anything special to accept... having sex... I trust you... you've been waiting to see if I'm really ready to try.
- Have I already ruined everything?
No, I just tried it that way because you kept changing your mind at the last minute; I was trying to distract you with something nice.
- It can't be... with my arm like this I can barely do anything... I want you to feel really, really good.
- You're the only one who worries about whether I'm good enough or not, I have no references... well, for anything that you and I haven't already done... because believe me, sometimes the way you look at me is more than enough.
"What do you mean?" She took my hand and made me touch it; it was so wet.
- But why are you...?
- Ever since you saw me downstairs, every time you laughed because I didn't have the courage to touch you under the table, the way you touched me while I was drying your hair... I was in your lap, if you had kissed me then, probably... I don't think I need much to have a good time with you, together... Hey! Stop those fingers.
- Mmm.... please let me do it
- As if I wanted to... Yoongi?
- mmm?
- It's not like last time... what's going on?
-Is this it? Let's see...
"Yoongi...Yoongi," she said, biting me with her fingers.
- Mmm? Is it that good?
Baby was very embarrassed after that... apparently things between us never go as planned, but we both want to be together and that's good enough for me.
- Yoongi... I saw inside the bag.
- Which bag?
- that - there was a paper bag but I had no idea what it could have inside
"Open it and bring one," she suggests. Dying of curiosity, I get up to see what's inside...
- Baby... Are you sure? I can wait, maybe another time...
- Yoongi, why did you bring them? Do you collect them?... Should I ask someone who wears those larger sizes for a small favor?
- Hey, don't even joke about it!
- So?
- Baby, what do you want from me?
- Never mind, forget I asked you... Why did I fall in love with the only man on the planet who doesn't feel like taking away the virtue of a girl who is stupidly in love?
- Why can't you wait?
Because I'm not saving myself for anything in particular, I just wanted to meet someone I could trust who wouldn't take advantage of me... what other options do I have? Do it with just anyone? What if it hurts a lot? Or what if it doesn't go the way it's supposed to?... It should at least be with someone I like. What about some drunk from a club like my sister? Or like that weird guy who dated my friend and treated her horribly when she was fourteen? Because he was "a man with needs," that bastard... Am I not pretty enough? Do you have problems with your little thing?
- Hey! Is there no day when we don't fight? We could talk about it beforehand and come to an agreement, I don't know.
- So you want it to be a date like the ones you make to go to the doctor?...Why can't it happen when they happen naturally, like before you started overthinking it?
I ended up sleeping on the sofa... she was hugging me and tossing and turning in bed, trying to sleep, undressing. We didn't get anywhere with the discussion; I know it's me who has doubts about whether it's a good decision for me to be her first lover.
I can't imagine her leaving me; it wasn't an option for me. Whether it's happiness or a cruel disaster, I want it all for myself. I want to be her whole world... that's what I was learning from her: that there are no wrong choices when your whole being has made a decision.
I act as always, but I don't know why I can't let her go. I can't imagine her leaving me, and at the same time, I've never confessed to her that I want to be with her from now on.
If the guys or my family ask, I'll definitely tell them she's mine, even without having asked her out. I don't care about their opinion either... it's obvious I'm not going to let her go and be free to date someone else.
Selfish and demanding, Baby is mine, to care for and protect, to love the way she stops my absurd decisions, to love the way she finds ways to reject my attempts to ignore her, because sometimes I think that's a good idea.
I love her very much and she has no idea; she's strong enough to accept it, she says she doesn't need anything. I turned away... she can stay strong, she'll keep working, she'll smile, she'll find a way to be happy no matter what.
Baby is my source of love because she can see through my walls; I may have secrets, but I can't hide because her dark side can see my true self behind my mask.
