Alseulnaesaeng

#snippet

I want to die. It was a thought that suddenly occurred to me one day. It wasn't something overwhelmingly difficult, nor was it some overwhelming burden I couldn't overcome. It was just a question of why I was living like this. The thought of death came to me involuntarily, and in an instant, it took over me. I thought, "Once I'm dead, these distracting thoughts won't bother me. Because my breath will finally stop."









I planned to die. I wanted to make sure my death wouldn't be a headache for those around me. I planned my death for a month. I even prepared a generous envelope for the person who would take care of my body. Then the cherry blossoms bloomed. One by one, they began to bloom, and the park was filled with them, with many people coming and going. They were beautiful. I thought, "Once the cherry blossoms fall, I'll die." I thought, "I'm going to die anyway. I'll see plenty of pretty things, so why not die and see them?"










Time flew by, and during that time, nothing meaningful happened besides viewing the cherry blossoms. I was filled with questions about why I was living the way I had always lived. The cherry blossoms soon fell. And then summer began. The sun was shining brightly, and I longed for sweet, refreshing watermelon. The watermelons available now weren't sweet or tasty, so I figured I'd just wait until a delicious one came out. I was going to die anyway, so I'd rather die after eating something delicious.











It's midsummer. The loud chirping of cicadas woke me up. The watermelon, ripe around this time of year, must be delicious. I dressed casually in a white short-sleeved shirt and black shorts and headed to the fruit stand. The owner asked.









"academic?"


- "no."









I laughed when I heard someone call me a college student, even though I was in my early thirties. I flatly refused, but I was definitely smiling inside. I arrived home with the watermelon the owner had recommended. I roughly washed the outside under running water and cut it in half with a large knife. The sweet smell tickled my nose. Before putting it in the refrigerator, I unconsciously picked up a few pieces and placed them in the leaves. Sweet, delicious watermelon filled my mouth. It was a feeling I hadn't felt in a long time. But could this small thing really be called happiness?










Boooooooo-









The phone rang. It was Jihyun, a close friend from the same university. She asked if I was free next weekend. I was unemployed and planning to die, but I had plenty of time. Since this was the last time I'd see my friend before I died, I needed to say thank you and see her face. I readily accepted Jihyun's offer. I had to live at least until next weekend.










"Here it is, here it is!"











Jihyun waved and laughed from across the crosswalk. Her face looked the same as it did a few years ago. I'm jealous.











"Hey, how have you been?"


- "Yeah. You too?"


"I'm fine! But are you sick?"


- "No, why?"


"You look really unwell. Did I call you for nothing?"










My face couldn't help but look bad. I hadn't slept well and probably hadn't eaten regularly. It's been a while since I've looked in the mirror. After hearing Jihyun's words, I took my phone out of my pocket and checked my face. Dark circles down to my chin, sunken cheeks, dry, twisted lips. I'd never seen anything so hideous. I smiled awkwardly and told her I hadn't slept much for several days.











"Oh, right. Do you want to go skiing with me this winter?"


- "Ski resort?"


"Yeah. With the kids! Donghyuk, Minjun, and Hyori."











Ski resort. Winter. These were things I could live for a few more months. I hesitated for a moment, but decided to go. Perhaps it would be my last memory with my friends before I die. It was better than regretting it after death. It wasn't like dying a few months later was going to be a big deal.










Summer passed faster than I expected. Autumn, with its beautiful autumn leaves, also passed quickly. My phone gallery was filled with autumn leaf photos. I took countless pictures of the beautiful things. And just like that, winter arrived. Around this time last year, I had been questioning the purpose of life. And just like that, a year had passed. Honestly, I hadn't been unhappy for the past year. I hadn't been unhappy, so why was I trying to die? This time, I began to question death. Why was I trying to die now? When I think about it, my life isn't so meaningless and boring after all.










"Who wants to go to the upper class with me! The slope is so steep."


- "Come with me."


"Yeah. Is there anyone else besides this one?"


- "These guys are all cowards. Just play at the beginner level."











I took the lift to the advanced course. Seeing Donghyuk sitting next to me, a lot of thoughts came to mind. I used to really like him in college. As I recalled these old memories, a smile escaped my lips. Donghyuk asked why I was laughing, and I told him it was nothing.









"Why, what is it lol"


- "I remember 10 years ago. When I liked you."









I reluctantly answered, annoyed by Donghyuk's persistent questioning. Donghyuk's eyes widened. He bellowed on the lift, asking since when he'd liked me. I laughed and told him to be quiet, patting his arm as if he was being rude. Come to think of it, I used to be the type to laugh out loud at small talk. When did this laughter become so awkward? Donghyuk tilted his head at the sight of me smiling and then turning serious.










- "Yes, Donghyuk."


"huh?"


- "thank you."


"Suddenly? Hahaha what? It's so awkward."


- "Please save me."


"??? Speak so I can understand ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ"









Donghyuk didn't understand what I meant until we came down from the advanced course. If I didn't tell him, he'd never know. I stopped searching for a reason to live in the small smiles we shared. There were times when I was happy, and times when I wasn't. The ski resort covered in artificial snow began to look truly beautiful. Jihyun, Hyori, and even Minjun, laughing their heads off over a single tteokbokki. I don't have to search for a reason to live. I don't have to laugh out loud, and I don't have to experience some grand happiness. It's just because of these small, everyday moments that I still have something worth living for.




































ㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡ

I just wanted to try writing a short story like this once, so I wrote it!
I need to go up to Opportunity and 9, but I can't write and it's getting complicated, so I'll take a break to cool my head...
I admit that my writing is a mess because I wrote it without thinking 😅


Good night🌙