Side Story (5) Identity of Gaze
When I first arrived, I was plagued by nightmares and groaned every night. I told people I was just jet lag, but that wasn't the case. The dreams were literally swirling. Sometimes they felt precarious, like I was standing on the edge of a cliff, and other times they felt like a raging storm. Tormented by these relentless nightmares, I didn't know how to cope. I desperately missed Jungkook's embrace, and I had to fight to keep from being consumed by the darkness. During the day, I pretended to be happy, participating in class orientation programs, but deep down, I was in turmoil.
It was one weekend.It's the weekend, can I take a nap during the day?
Tired from the week, I lay down on the sofa and fell asleep.
On a windswept hill, rain and wind raged through the thick darkness. Was the edge of this hill a cliff...? Perhaps it felt like the cliff where I'd encountered Kim Taehyung. I felt eyes on the edge of that cliff. Eyes following me, as if watching me... Yes, you took everything away, my family, my dreams... But I overcame it. I caught you, I accomplished everything I wanted to do, and I'm now in the business of catching things like you... So I'm going to... catch you...
In the wind and rain, barely able to see an inch ahead, I approached, step by step. Then, at the edge of the cliff, where I felt as if I had been gazed upon, I took another step forward and reached out.
......!!!
I fell off the edge of a cliff in my dream.
""Eww....!!!"
I woke up screaming.
"Hey, are you okay...?
I think I screamed just before I woke up..."
My roommate, Stephie, came running over, startled. When I came to, I saw the face of a blonde girl with blue eyes, drenched in sweat, looking at me with concern. She came over and sat down next to me, probably because I looked tired.
"Sorry... Are you surprised...?I just had a nightmare... I'll probably be okay soon.."
"I'm fine, it's normal to have bad dreams when you change your sleeping position... If you need any help, let me know, I'll help you..."
"Thank you, Stephie."
I sat for a moment, catching my breath. I needed help... What I needed was Jungkook's embrace... She spoke kindly, but what I needed was something she couldn't provide. Stephy's face, trying to help me, overlapped with Jungkook's, and my heart sank. Did I love Jungkook, or did I need him...? The nightmares had also thrown my mind off him. I hated how weak I felt.
Her actions were both grateful and burdensome, and I felt compelled to do something, so I started working out. The training program included a simple martial arts class, and those who wanted more access to the gym were welcome to use it. Occasionally, a martial arts instructor would stop by to coach. With this mindset, I devoted myself to working out, determined to fight the nightmares.
This dream wasn't about me being in a new place or feeling homesick, so it wouldn't go away easily. And I think I clung to the idea that I'd be able to sleep better if I was tired. I could sleep soundly after working out and returning to the dorm, but it wasn't easy to exercise every day to avoid nightmares.
So sometimes I tried sleeping in an externalized form. I wondered if I wouldn't dream if I slept differently...? Fortunately, the dorms were separated for humans and beasts, so my roommate was assigned, and Stephie was a marine iguana beast. Stephie, who often liked to sunbathe on the terrace in an externalized form on leisurely weekends, didn't feel awkward even when I completely externalized and became a badger. However, sleeping in an externalized form couldn't completely prevent the nightmares.
"Oh, shit..."
After a nightmare startled me in my sleep, tore the mattress apart while I was struggling, I decided to give up on externalizing and sleeping.
Finally, a month after I left the country, I contacted the counselor.
"I think I was mistaken. Every time I fall asleep, nightmares come to me... You said that to me when I went to see Kim Taehyung, right? You said I had the courage to face my fears. Was facing these fears the right choice...?"
"Oh my... Haejoo... I guess you're going through a really tough time... Honestly, when you suddenly said you were leaving, I thought it was too bold."
Grandfather Counselor Sam sighed deeply and continued speaking.
"Dreams are created by Haeju's mind. The conflict in Haeju's mind appears as a nightmare... I think it's time to think about what the conflict in Haeju's mind is. Rather, I think now that nightmares keep appearing is a good opportunity to look into the content of the dream. Let's not think too negatively and look at the positive aspects."
""You're looking into dreams?"
"The subconscious that creates dreams must also have things it wants... Some desires that Haeju couldn't acknowledge... You said that those things sink into the subconscious... Those unacknowledged desires must have created a huge conflict in Haeju's mind... And those are expressed as nightmares..."
"I have no idea..."
"It's okay... I don't think it'll be easy to remember the feelings that have sunk into the subconscious because I couldn't admit them... Don't worry too much and look for them slowly.
How about writing a dream diary...?"
I was a little annoyed by Grandpa Sam's words. He told me to take my time looking, but I was in a hurry...
Did I contact you for nothing... Thinking back on my conversation with the counselor, I felt like my homework had piled up and my head was starting to hurt.
A few days later, on the day I was replacing the torn mattress, I finally changed my mind.
Okay, let's at least keep a dream diary... When did you start dreaming more often...?
I guess I should start from when I started to really struggle with nightmares.
As I was going back through my memories, something came to mind. I opened my notebook and started scribbling down various things.
When I started having nightmares frequently...
At that time, it was right after Kim Taehyung was arrested.
Ever since I was admitted to the hospital... I thought I needed Jeongguk when I felt anxious after having a nightmare.
What is the conflict in my heart...? I still don't know.
The gaze in my dream made me think that I should try to get closer.
I need to confirm the reality of my gaze. Not in reality, but in a dream...
If this dream was truly caused by my inner conflict, then I felt like there must be something within the entity that I was looking at that created my conflict.
From then on, whenever I felt a gaze in my dreams, I would run towards it. As I ran, the ground would disappear, I'd fall, I'd trip, or I'd float up, making it difficult to catch it.
As my dreams reacted to this change in me, the shape of my gaze began to change concretely. The shapeless gaze gradually took on the form of a black shadow, then gradually transformed into something black and sticky.
What's inside isn't the real Kim Taehyung who tormented me. It's the conflict within me. Every time I dreamed, I mustered up the courage to approach him. Sometimes I approached cautiously, sometimes I threw myself at him. There were days when I'd wake up just before I could grab him, but I no longer screamed or panicked. I consistently recorded the changes in my dreams in my journal.
About a month had passed... Now, just before I caught it, my body no longer flew up or the ground didn't collapse, and the location changed to a familiar space, like my home or the lab. Even in my dreams, I was acting normally, but when I felt its gaze, I turned my head, and it was there.
Then one day, in my dream, I was packing my bags. It seemed like the day I was about to leave. A black entity was standing on one side of the living room. I put down what I was doing and approached it step by step. The black entity began to back away. When its back touched the wall, it stopped moving and stood there. When I put my hand into the object that had turned into a black sap, my hand touched the entity. I used all my strength and clenched my hand to pull the entity out.
Even though it was slippery, I held on tight and didn't let go. Even though it was slippery, something like my wrist was caught.
Aaaah...
The black sap split open and someone appeared from within.
And what appeared inside was... Jeon Jungkook...?
Jeongguk was inside, looking at me with concern.