Side Story (6) Awakening at Dawn
Huh... what is this...?
I woke up in the dark of dawn, opened my dream journal, and sat there for a long time.
Suddenly I looked at the calendar.
It's been two months since I last contacted Jungkook...
It's not that I didn't want to see Jungkook. But...
Yes... the conflict within me... I wondered if I would be the one who would get hurt if I clung to this encounter that would eventually end. The higher I flew, the stronger the shock of my fall. The happier I was, the more scared I became.
I remembered moments when I felt good about being with him, but also very anxious.
I've always been alone... My parents suddenly disappeared, and seeing the adults around me turn their backs on me, I decided I had to live completely alone. Since then, I've been living my life stubbornly, doing everything on my own...
I thought of Jeong-guk, who had been by my side helping me before I joined the National Institute of Scientific Investigation. After that incident, and after I decided to date Jeong-guk, I was no longer alone when writing my thesis or preparing for exams.
It was definitely different from my life before.
It was the first time that I had someone besides my parents cheer me on and provide what I needed.
So even when I was happy, that nagging fear always lingered: What will I do when this moment ends...? Even though it was so good to be with him, that was the thought I had every time I saw Jungkook's hand touching something here and there in the house.
So whenever I had nightmares, I'd tell myself, "This person is still someone I need..." I'd try to suppress my fear. But my parents, who I thought would always be by my side, disappeared overnight. I don't have the confidence to hold onto Jungkook forever...
And today, when we met eyes,
It's Jungkook who came out from the depths of a nightmare...
You wrapped this child up in fear and hid him in the gaze that I feared.
That's right. This nightmare had to exist to be with that child.
Ah... I see...
Tears welled up in my eyes.
The truth is, the nightmare persisted because I wanted Jungkook so badly. If he disappeared, there would be no reason for me to keep him by my side... I must have thought rationally and ultimately decided to distance myself from him.
The better and more stable our relationship was, the more nightmares I had. The deeper it got, the more hurt I'd feel...
Tears poured down my face. I sat with my knees up, sobbing, afraid my voice would escape.
I think it was me who still couldn't accept him... I was so foolish and stupid that I couldn't stop crying.
How much time has passed...?
Soft morning sunlight was now streaming in through the previously dark window.
I heard Stephie rustling outside. I'd recently become quite close with her, and we'd walk to class together every morning. If I sat like this, I felt like I'd hear a knock on the door. When I came out with puffy eyes, they'd ask what was wrong... I should wash my face with cold water first.
I stood up, covering my tear-stained notebook.
. . .
As we walked to the classroom, Stephie's eyes sparkled and she pointed to the ring on her finger.
""Hey, what's with that ring...? Last time, a guy asked me if the ring you always wear was a couple ring.."
"Oh, this...? It's a couple ring, my boyfriend gave it to me."
Ah... Did I always wear it...? Come to think of it, I did wear it all the time, even when I was washing my face and sleeping. When Jungkook put it on my finger at the airport, it felt so precious, so I always wore it.
I showed the ring to Stephie, who was curious. Her eyes widened and she stared intently at the ring.
"pretty...
So your boyfriend is waiting for you in your home country right now...?"
"Uh... maybe...?"
"Maybe... Rani...? What is it...?"
"Actually, I haven't contacted you once since I came here..."
"What...? Could it be... that we broke up..?"
Stephi's once sparkling eyes were instantly replaced by a sad expression. In Stephi's eyes, I'd become a lingering heroine, still wearing a couple ring even after we broke up, right?
"That's not it...
Well... there are things I have to overcome on my own...
I came here to take some time."
Stephie opened her eyes wide and looked at me with a questioning expression as I sat down in the center of the classroom.
"What, what... Haeju, I thought you were doing well because you always said you were okay,
It wasn't like that~ It's okay now..?"
"Yeah, I think I've found the answer to some extent..."
"thank god...
Actually, there's a kid named Takeshi over there who wants to be friends with you~"
Stephie pointed to a boy sitting across the room. Turning her head, she saw an Asian boy staring at her, meeting her gaze and turning away.
"No, Stephie... I don't want to see anyone else right now."
"I think he just wanted to be friends with me for now... haha. Anyway, I got it."
Stephie stopped talking at my refusal, then took out her book and prepared to listen to the lecture.
As I opened the book with him, I saw the ring on my finger and a chuckle escaped my lips. Even though I hadn't contacted him once, he'd been wearing the ring he'd given me at the airport... And there was even a girl he couldn't talk to because of it. It was funny how the ring seemed to be doing its job so well.
Should I try contacting Jeongguk this time...?
Is it too late to contact me now...? He sensed my feelings, but I felt a pang of guilt, wondering if it was too late. I wondered how Jungkook had been these past two months... Since he said he'd come to see me... I wondered if he'd contact me first... I guess I should wait...
. . .
A few days later, I met with the counselor online.
I found the meaning of the conflict, but I still had many questions. So why did these nightmares come flooding back after I left Jeongguk?
"That's what we often call resistance.
The attempt to fall would have only intensified the unconscious conflict. That's why she began to dream so often. While such fierce resistance provided Haejoo with a valuable opportunity to explore the meaning of her dreams, the process wouldn't have been easy.
Mr. Haejoo, you must have had a hard time...?
"Yes... that's right.."
My grandfather's counselor's gentle voice brought tears to my eyes. My throat suddenly became sore that I couldn't speak clearly. The counselor on the other side of the computer screen waited for me to clear my throat.
" What should I do now?
After I learned the meaning of the nightmare, my mind became calmer,
I miss that kid so much"
"How did your mind calm down after you learned the meaning of the nightmare?
"I'm just not afraid of nightmares anymore.
I felt sorry for my nightmare.
Is that okay?
"Poor thing...
So, what does Haejoo want to do for poor Nightmare?
I think it would be good to think of a nightmare sitting next to you."
I looked at the dark shadow next to me and thought for a moment at the counselor's words.
"Um... I want to reassure you.
It's okay.
You don't have to be afraid anymore. And..."
"and...?"
"I want you to hug me tightly... just like Jungkook hugs me...
IPlease hold the fear in my heart tightly...
Then I think I will feel truly relieved."
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I think the next episode will probably be the last one~
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