12 | Greed
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I calmed my flushed cheeks and wildly beating heart, took a deep breath, and stepped outside. Jungkook was waiting for me, looking at his phone. His broad shoulders—which I usually wouldn't notice—his long legs, even though they were crossed, his high nose bridge, and his long eyelashes. My heart, which had just calmed down, began to race again, and my cheeks felt like they were turning red.
I cleared my throat for no reason and headed back to where I had been. Jungkook seemed to realize I was there, as he turned off his phone and met my eyes. I looked away first, though, feeling a bit shy.
“…Are we just going to stay this awkward?”
Mr. Jungkook broke the silence with a single remark. As soon as I heard it, various thoughts flashed through my mind and I was flustered, but I quickly smiled and answered no. Of course, it would probably feel awkward since I'm being dominated by emotion, but...
“No, I hate awkward silences…!”
“That’s a lie. I saw you were thinking about it.”
“…”
Our atmosphere seemed to lighten thanks to Jungkook's joke, laced with sincerity. Here, where the awkwardness had vanished—even if not to the same extent as before—it was nothing more than my own selfishness to want to move our relationship further than it was. However, human greed knows no bounds. Even though I can anticipate the consequences of being greedy, I cannot let go of it. That is human psychology.
Even when I tried to make a rational judgment, my emotions took precedence. Reason was consumed by emotion, and it gradually tightened its grip on me. I felt frustrated by my uncontrollable emotions, yet I wondered what I should do. I didn't want to just be on the periphery of Jungkook.
I am afraid that if I get any more greedy, I might lose even the title of friend, but I cannot end it. I am filled with absurd thoughts, wondering if Jungkook might recognize my sincerity, or if he harbors feelings for me too. I want to give Jungkook room to think. Since all the flowers in his heart have withered into darkness, I want to plant them again and make them fresh.
I believed that it would be possible for me. Thinking as I pleased, without questioning myself—the very person who should have doubted me the most. Did that bring about this trouble?