Feedback Room

3. Mr. Gyeom

I'm not a writing expert. Please note that my feedback isn't definitive.





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Speakeasy Bar's Name-store The name is Feeling for In English will do number But In Korean Substitute possible It is As much as possible korean WriteThat I recommend it.



bar-same The word one In the paragraph many It was written. ‘bar’ instead ‘placelocation’ etc. change possible case alterative thing I recommend it.



Speakeasypickup To the artist Korea The explanation is One after another Come out there isdifferent The topic To explain When Paragraph Share doand writing This is the introduction writing The atmosphere I know before The explanation is Wadada Come out Immersion badly Broken In the text Korea I feel rejected ListenDescription Reduce That suggestion.



writing The introduction very It's important explanation because The atmosphere Immersion Back all It's broken.




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Partner Matching They said they would do it It is ~ Meaning NoIn the front part As I said Description of It's a continuationThe story I know before Description If you put it in order The writing boring I feel Listenespecially From the front continue ‘To explain Target’ ~’explanationof The structure Repeated Because more Boringly I feel thing It's the same.


any That too unwittingly Bar To enjoy on person middle one Name Bring it Giving Matching is

The explanation is please I have to go in If you do it this In this way Description Even if Description of structure to change That I recommend it.



Matching They said they would do it In the sense Korea explanation Paragraph and To the characters Korea explanation Paragraph It's stuckPlease share.



this injustice At the bar-Common sense or general Case study Speaking Because there is ‘commonly this injustice At the bargo matching thing It's the same.



Kim Chang-hoKim Chang-hoon-The turning wheel Through sibling Feeling line Sun there isbut Dolimja behind coming Up to the initial consonant Because it's the same The name is I'm confused.




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and that-Paragraph From the beginning connection As a phrase Starting thing I don't recommend itParagraph I shared it case fingerprint The content It's changed Because it means connection Phrase and not It suits me too And.



To the shooter To be photographed girl I accept it ~ In front Go to sleep do there is.-Revenge for Go to sleep Doing it front Partial To the shooter To be photographed girlI accept it case Horse not that's rightRevenge I'm doing it It is With the opponent The relationship It will get worse That I accept it doing That is Because it's common.



incubation 12Day-The period too short thing It's the same.





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The waiter's Action and emotional line-At first Kihyun's Identity and desirous That I know Despite being there borderline The waiter's Action I don't understandDoesn'tEven if same The goal is Even if there is borderline If it were personality that Back It's weird.


especially The waiter's attitude Change too It's radical. ‘To the fullest flightyProudly With a smile’ in The expression The waiter's Feeling toogood To feel do. ‘a little Brightened expressioninterior Proud Seems’ etc. weak Expression If you put it in Emotional line more Become natural thingIt's the same.




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One after another ~Caro After finishing there issame The letters Repeated case not great.



The comma too often being used there isRather than a comma sentence short secant girl I recommend it.



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Kim Chang-ho Gambling too do because Unconditionally Agree thingRussian roulette is Life Hang it doing It's gambling different Gambling and It's differentbecause general With gambling Differences because two loaf Between The relationship well I don't understand Didn'ttoo illogicallyI can feel it too I did.



In my own weight Golater Go typo



Honey dead Life, you say Resolutely-later Ha Kyung I would have died at the time sad and not It suits youKihyun In the summer Korea Affectionconcealed If so addition Description doing crab Good thing It's the same.




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In the photo But it was cut off Ha Kyung-eun 4hour After a long time Gun Save me Russian roulette do there iswhy By all means Kihyun's Gun To borrow Did you do it?That too Source clear The police Gun.



Clank-doing’-punctuation marks except The symbol is In the paragraph inscribed thing I don't recommend itParagraph and Separately alone There will be When Write number But there is. ‘Clanking’ etc. If you change it Good thing It's the sameThe sound too same In the paragraph If used ‘ClankClinklike little by little alterative thing I recommend it.



25Second Pulling-The revolver commonly The bullet 6dog Go inenglish firearms In the name sixgo Go in To that extentIn case according to 7Dog 8The dog Going in In some cases But very It's a very small numberso Russian roulette too 6of To the medicinal spring doing It's a game. 25Number of times Pulled case already who dead It isof the text zenith It's a part will do number present important Because it's a part a little more nerves Write Researching the data underneath Good thing It's the same.




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 ~go ~go-one In a sentence lump of The end Duplicate case Readability Drop it. ‘~as’ etc. I recommend it.



Don't reload Not Gun 6th In a row own On the head Shot-In case according to Russian roulette will do at the time Bullet several foot Put it in too dofurthermore The revolver Manual Safety device mostly doesn't existso firearms Use possible In the United States too First The feetLeave it blank Andever so The game It's over but Gun On the head Aiming Shooting case too Ignorant understanding egg plant Not It was an action.



People~Tooth I was shaking-In grammar not that's rightThe front part ‘~Bonnieas Change or ’The back part ‘Tooth I trembledas If you replace it I wish.



This is the policecast big Shout out-Horse and Fingerprint Mixed there is. 1In person together To be used number ButThat's right case Double quotes Please take it outIn the paragraph Separate or.



and Tooth shiver Police officer girl elucidative In the process Kihyun's Emotional line It feels unnatural.




Mr. Gyeom writing In the paragraph big 3egg plant The problem is there islengthdetailexplanationfirst of all The length too It's longReading too before breath blocked Feeling I feel rejected I'm goingVisualReadability for Paragraph Please sharedifferent If it's content Paragraph please Share itIn the text Korea Explanation Reduce thing I recommend itExcessive The explanation is Immersion Drop itFun falling That too Of courseDescription Reduce Paragraph appropriately If you divide it The length is any degree Will be resolved thing It's the same.


at large sentence The ending Repeated and There is I felt itSimple ‘there isam’ degree Change No sentence The end If you transform it The writing more It's getting fun. ‘~go, ~goLike.




Character's Emotional line all It's awkwardperson not really Share Explain I'll see.



Ha Kyung-carefully Revenge While preparing suddenly Gambling Chosen The reason is doesn't exist I understand Not possible Doesn'tbefore As I said Kihyun On guard suddenly Cooperation Let's get married doing That too I don't understand I didn't.


Kihyun-My sister's As a result of the damage plural Get ready But Kim Chang-ho's death since Ha Kyung's Only death I feel sorry I miss you To my younger sisterKorea Mention or I was preparing Revenge Because it was wrong Korea In regret Korea Mention is doesn't existIn the front part felt Revengeful heart too At the end No.



detail In the development some Omitted I feel There is at large Sudden turn of events I feel I'm coming.Overall A country in crisis thing Same too Andbut writing written ji how much not Done of the text typical It's a featureuntiringly writing write If you look Soon several The problem Fix it numberThere will be It ismost Skill explosively always Because it's timecorresponding Writing feedback You applied Feedback For reference corresponding writing Rather than modifying different writing Write at the time For reference girl more I recommend it.