Strawberries and Cigarettes After That
At twenty-eight, I was living a life that wasn't too hectic, nor too tedious. It was a mediocre life, devoid of any real joy, but I found meaning in living, and I lived diligently. However, living like this meant I was exhausted more often than not. It wasn't fun at all, but I was also incredibly tired.
“Ugh, huh-.”
Climbing up to the roof of my company, leaning against the railing, and smoking a cigarette. That's my only way to relieve my boredom. I started smoking out of curiosity in high school, and now, over ten years later, I've been unable to quit. Sometimes, I feel like I'm not very good at it, feeling so tied to something in my body and the thick smoke I exhale, as I inhale. But that only lasts a moment, and I find myself reaching for cigarettes more frequently than I did in high school, strangely endearing.
Perhaps it's because of that person I always think of when I see a cigarette. Because of that person, whose name and face I can no longer recall after more than ten years. Oh, if there's one thing I remember, it's the strawberry scent coming from his body? Let's just say that's about it. Anyway, when I see a cigarette, I think of myself and the emotions I felt that day, and it makes me feel a little bitter. And paradoxically, I chuckle at the fact that I can even feel that bitterness.
“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. Try to remember.”
I stomped on my cigarette, extinguishing it, and tossed it into the trash can at the edge of the rooftop. The sweet, strawberry-scented scent of that day, which lingered in my mind, tingled my nose. This is why it's dangerous to sell nostalgia… Unlike ten years ago, when it was bobbed to a chin-line, my long hair was now long enough to reach my waist. I roughly ran my hand through it. The wind blew, blowing my hair and my white shirt still reeked of cigarette smoke.
🍓&🚬
After several hours of sitting in front of my monitor, emotionless, tapping away at my keyboard, the clock ticked down, signaling the end of the workday. As one by one, people began to clear their places, I, too, smiled, gathered up the documents I'd been reading, packed my bag, and left the office. As the sun slowly set, I hurried home, and a pleasant breeze blew, letting go of my long hair, which I'd kept tied up during work.
It felt like the day was truly over, and I felt a strange sense of satisfaction, yet also a sense of weariness. After walking for a while, I found myself in a deserted alley near my house. It was a dark, eerie alley with only a single streetlight, but I didn't feel particularly scared, so I trudged along alone. Feeling strange on this otherwise beautiful day, I leaned against the streetlight and pulled a cigarette and a lighter from my pocket. Then, putting the cigarette in my mouth, I tried to light the lighter with my thumb, but before I knew it, it was empty again, and I threw the lighter to the ground in frustration.
“Damn… why aren’t you here now?”
"Do you need a fire?"
Just then, a man's hand and a new lighter clutched in it caught my eye. It felt like déjà vu, but I could think about that after lighting a cigarette. I turned my head to follow the hand holding the lighter, and at the end of my gaze was a man with soft brown hair and a pretty double eyelid, smiling.
I frowned sharply. Not because I disliked or disliked him, but because I suddenly felt strangely uncomfortable. More than anything, I felt like I'd seen him somewhere before... Soft brown hair, double-lidded eyes, a sharp jawline, lips the color of ripe strawberries... ?
As I carefully surveyed him from above, I felt as if something from my long-lost, faded memories would surface. The man, who had been staring at me with an inscrutable smile, pressed the lighter with his thumb and lit my cigarette. Sizzle. The cigarette, which had begun to burn, began to emit thick smoke and a musty smell. I paused from glaring at him and took a deep drag on my cigarette.
“Still the same, smoking.”
He must have given up on retrieving deeply entrenched memories and started smoking in earnest. The man muttered something incomprehensible to me. My brow furrowed once again, wondering what he meant by "still the same."
“It’s still pretty. No, has it gotten prettier?”
I was convinced. This man clearly knew me, and we had definitely met before. I quickly dropped my cigarette on the floor and crushed it with my foot. Then I stood upright in front of him, arms folded, looking up at him.
“Do you know me?”
"What, you just forgot about me? I'm a little upset, heroine. I've been missing you so much."
“……”
“Well, it’s been a while, but I guess I shouldn’t forget this… When I hold you, we smell like this, right?”
Seeing him say that, I briefly wondered if he was truly important to me, but then I suddenly tense up my nerves as he embraced me. At that moment, a familiar scent from his body enveloping me brushed my nose, mixing with the smell of my cigarette, creating an incongruous dissonance. Along with the scent, a faded memory of that time came to mind, and it was me, my rabbit-eyed self, who had been drawn to him. I never thought I would smell this scent again after ten years. This scent was definitely… the crazy sweet scent that came from his body. The strawberry that I had longed for more than anyone else, hoping that he would come to me about ten years ago.
As I smelled that addictive strawberry scent once more, everything about that day began to come back vividly. His face, his name, all the days he held me. I bit my lip, pushed against his chest with both hands, and took a step back from him.
"… jungkook jeon."
“Yes, my lady.”
The name that finally came to mind was Jeon Jungkook. The biggest mistake of my life, the love I gave my all in high school, only to have it end in a tragic way. It made absolutely no sense that Jeon Jungkook, who was so talented that he'd decided the beginning and the end himself, would appear before me today, of all days. And why, with that brazen, sly expression on his face? I was horrified, but I backed away, afraid he'd only bring me bad things this time.
“Don’t call my name, you little shit.”
“……“
"You clearly abandoned me. And you did it so casually."
My eyes turn bright red, and something transparent begins to ripple. All I could think of was Jeon Jungkook, who hadn't come to me that day. If I truly hated him, there would be no reason for me to cry here. I should be furious. Why are tears welling up in my eyes? My stomach feels heavy. Meanwhile, Jeon Jungkook stops, stares at me expressionlessly, and then begins to approach me. I shook my head at Jeon Jungkook, who approached me with tears clinging to his eyes, threatening to fall at any moment.
“Don’t come here. I won’t hug someone like you again.”
I had been desperately hoping he wouldn't come any closer, but Jeon Jungkook only got closer and closer, making my head spin. When my back finally touched the opposite wall and I had nowhere to hide, Jeon Jungkook supported himself by bumping one of his arms against the wall right above my head, then smirked as if he liked the sight of me with tears welling up in my eyes. Soon, Jeon Jungkook grabbed my chin with his free hand and lifted my head, quickly covering his lips with mine. His appearance was extremely impatient, like an animal that had been starving for days and was facing prey.
It was completely different from ten years ago. Back then, when he was a high school student, Jeon Jungkook was as good as anyone at mixing his tongue, but now that he was an adult, it was so erotic that my legs would give out and I felt like I was going to lose consciousness. When I was out of breath, Jeon Jungkook would give me air, and when I stumbled, he would support me with his body. Even while doing all that, it was clearly Jeon Jungkook who never let go of me. Unlike that day, today Jeon Jungkook held me tightly. So tightly that no matter how many times I pushed away, he would keep digging in.
🍓&🚬
The deep, sticky kiss ended when I pushed away Jeon Jungkook, who was clinging so tenaciously, with all my might. Unlike me, whose cheeks flushed red as I exhaled heavily, Jeon Jungkook's expression remained unchanged. In fact, he flicked his lips with his tongue, as if something was missing. I looked at him with slightly more relaxed eyes and asked him.
“Why are you doing this now?”
”……“
“You’re going to wrap me up like that and then throw me away again?”
It was fear. What if Jeon Jungkook abandons me again? Truthfully, from the moment Jeon Jungkook's existence surfaced, I was more afraid than hateful. The image of Jeon Jungkook who abandoned me had already faded after more than ten years, and the Jeon Jungkook who reappeared was a precise film. Perhaps I had been waiting for Jeon Jungkook rather than hating him. How could I know that when I couldn't even remember his name or face? What feeling could be more certain than the tears that welled up in my eyes the moment I thought of Jeon Jungkook?
I'd long since embraced the Jeon Jungkook who'd abandoned me ten years ago. If the Jeon Jungkook of ten years later loved me once again, if he'd hold me tight without abandoning me, I'd be willing to give him my all this time, too. So I waited for Jeon Jungkook's lips to fall open.
“How dare I abandon you.”
"… what?"
"Back then, you were the kind of person who had to have what you wanted, and there was no way I didn't know you wanted me, heroine. From that day on, I studied like crazy, earned enough money, and thought nothing of giving myself to you. If I had held onto you that day, we wouldn't have had anything. Not even each other, who were so crazy about each other."
“……”
“…I love you. How can I say those words after 10 years, really?”
Hearing Jeon Jungkook's heartbeat after ten years was enough to make both me, a young seventeen-year-old, and me, now grown, at twenty-eight, cry. Especially when Jeon Jungkook's reply—"I love you," which was the one Kim Yeo-ju yearned to hear the most—I wrapped my arms around his neck and hugged him deeply. For the first time in ten years, we had comfortably embraced our own world.
In your love, the sweet strawberry scent and the thick, musty smell of tobacco combined to create a strange, musty scent. A scent that no one but each other could recognize.
It's been about half a year since I started using strawberries and cigarettes, and after half a year, I'm using strawberries and cigarettes... It's meaningful, but it still feels like shit, so I was a bit shocked. I hope you all understand with an open mind. Please look at it kindly. I love you. ❤️🔥
Oh, by the way, it seems like it will take a little longer to serialize the rest of the novels… I have an important exam for graduation in April so I have to study a bit, and I’m not feeling well, but I boarded the last train due to COVID-19🥲 But I’ll be back this year…! I’d like to apologize to those who have been waiting and ask them to wait a little longer ㅠㅠㅠㅠ I really love you all… 🫶🏻💗