If this is how it's going to be, then don't love me at all.
After drinking and getting drenched in that rain all the way home, I spent the whole week sick in bed. It was actually a good thing. My body was in so much pain that it seemed to ease my heartache, so I didn't even take any cold medicine and just kept on sick. Eventually, I collapsed from exhaustion. It wasn't you who found me, but Beomgyu, your friend and my friend, who had witnessed my foolishness most closely.
Tolerating pain is not a good thing, it's foolish, patient.
The doctor's words, heard through my hazy consciousness, were not registered in my ears. I could only see Beomgyu, listening to the doctor with an unreadable expression. I shouldn't call Taehyun, he'd be angry. Even in the midst of my pain, I grabbed Beomgyu's hand with all the strength I had left in my mind.
"Baek Yeo-ju! Are you awake? How did you endure it until it got to this point! "
"Don't call...Taehyun."
"Ha. Hey Baek Yeo-ju, you really.!! Are you thinking about that X even in the middle of all this?"
At that moment, tears fell onto the emergency room pillow. "So, you didn't even grab me once even though I turned around in the pouring rain, you didn't even come to see me once even though I missed school for days. What do you think I like about you that I can't let you go?" A self-deprecating laugh escaped my lips. Beomgyu, too, seemed dumbfounded by my behavior and shook off my hand, heading towards the reception desk. "I hate myself this much, so how much more so do you?"
*
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*
"Hey, Kang Tae-hyun, where are you and what are you doing now?"
I was furious. I was furious at you for neglecting yourself until you collapsed from exhaustion, at Kang Tae-hyun for making you like this, and at myself for feeling these feelings for you even in the midst of all this. I carefully touched your forehead as you slept with the IV drip, and only after confirming that your fever had gone down did I let out a long, long sigh I had been holding back. I quietly went to the front of the hospital room so as not to wake you and made a phone call. To find the bastard who made you like this, the bastard you still longed to see the most.
"Why is Kang Tae-hyun, oh hey, did you break up with your girlfriend? That guy has been doing everything he can to try to seduce Yeon Hee-jung lately, and it looks like the two of you are going to the movies today too. Is it really over?"
"Shut up and tell me where that movie theater is."
" ....Lego Cinema in the Selim Department Store near our school."
My usually bright and cheerful voice hardened into a serious tone as it passed through the speaker of my phone. As if my friend sensed the seriousness of the situation, he playfully asked if the two of them had broken up and told me about Kang Tae-hyun's recent situation. He shut his mouth and quietly told me where that bastard was. You're suffering like this because of the wounds that bastard gave you, but that bastard really didn't care.
The fists I was clenching were turning white with rage at that fact, and I didn't even notice my fingernails digging into my flesh, so I blindly headed to the movie theater to catch that bastard and kill him. No matter how bored I was, no matter how cold my heart was, such a cowardly act was not right. I was maddened by the bastard who tried to break even the most basic duty to his lover.
It wasn't hard to find the two people clinging to each other like lovers as they entered the Selim Department Store building. The sight of that smiling face, holding another woman's hand and affectionately browsing the accessories section, made me want to vomit. I didn't hesitate any longer.
puck-!!
"Gyaaaa ...
"What the f*ck,...Choi Beomgyu? Who are you?"
"That's what I'm saying, you son of a bitch. What are you doing here?"
"If you keep going like this, you won't even know what your girlfriend is like."
I grabbed Kang Tae-hyun by the collar and helped him up, having been sent flying backwards by my punch. The screams of the woman next to him were irrelevant. Her nonchalantly smiling face was driving me crazy. I'd known for a long time that this wasn't normal friendship. But I had no intention or desire to hide it any longer.
"What are you talking about? If you ate something wrong, go to the hospital."
"But this kid...!!"
"Stop it!!!! Stop it both of you!!"
Suddenly, I heard a voice behind me and turned my head. It was you. You were standing there in a hospital gown. That fact made my head spin and become a mess. Why and when did I see this kid dating another woman, arm in arm? Did he get hurt again? These thoughts kept passing through my mind, and I couldn't take any action before Kang Tae-hyun pushed me away, stood up, walked over to you, and grabbed both of your arms as tightly as if he was going to crush them.
"Now you're saying weird things to my friend?"
"Is Baek Yeo-ju that kind of person? Don't you know her yet?!"
"You really are annoying people."
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*
I changed the subject. You never said a word of goodbye to me until the very end. That made it all the more cruel. I thought it was because you still had some feelings for me, and that's why you couldn't easily say goodbye to me. I thought that and consoled you for countless nights. But now, your expression and the pain digging into my arm have swallowed all those nights up in confusion. It's like I've fallen into a maze before I even found the answer.
It was me, every moment of yours was always me.
Jjang-!!
At that moment, the familiar rabbit doll hanging from your bag caught my eye. That doll, no different from the souvenir we'd bought and shared together on the streets of Daehangno, was once again before my eyes, reimagining every moment of my life. Even when Beomgyu grabbed it and tore it from your grasp, my gaze remained fixed on that doll's ring.
"Stop holding on."
"What? Hey, Choi Beomgyu."
"Why do you want to be a good person till the end? But what can I do? It's too late, you bastard."
"..I'm really tired, Baek Yeo-ju. If it's going to be like this, then just, "
"Taehyun! Sorry for suddenly interrupting you. Don't mind what Beomgyu said.
"I'll go first. Go quickly, Choi Beom-gyu."
I cut him off before the words "breakup" could even escape his lips. Not wanting to see his messy face, I forced a smile and said goodbye. I took Beomgyu's arm and left the department store. It didn't matter. If it could just prevent that breakup, I'd gladly be a fool, even if it meant being a fool. I could have acted like that over and over again.
I really didn't know. That my broken heart would give you the right to justify everything. That you could so mercilessly trample on our time together right in front of me without a second thought.