[13]
After that day, I couldn't go on stage again. It wasn't because the reception wasn't good or I'd received any malicious comments. Rather, I was given the title "Idol Ham" after collapsing from exhaustion due to a demanding schedule, which garnered me attention and attracted many people. But I couldn't stand on stage. That's what I thought to myself.
"You're showing symptoms of both panic disorder and depression. If you continue this way, it could be dangerous. Now is the time to rest."
I was hospitalized. I didn't want to see anyone. Not even my manager or my stylist. I tried to get back on stage, but as always, it was impossible. I couldn't hear the cheers of the audience that had made me dance. The stage lights, which had once been so dazzling, now seemed scary. Being on stage was no longer enjoyable.
"Ham. Where are you? You have to tell me where you are so I can find you. -Kuku."
'I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. So please, just let me see your face. -Kuku.'
'I'm so worried I'm going crazy. I can't do anything. Ham. -Kuku.'
I didn't even answer Jungkook's calls. I wasn't confident. I didn't have the confidence to show my best side. Every day, I thought about the chicken carcass I'd received that day in the mail, and I could see the blood stains. I was afraid to see Jungkook. I was afraid that something like that would happen again. I was afraid that I'd hurt him. I was afraid. I didn't know how I would treat him. But I was also certain that if I did meet him, I wouldn't be able to show my best side, so I avoided him. I was also in serious talks with my agency. Now that I might not be able to continue my singing career, I had to make a choice. Would I continue to cling to this job? Or would I throw away everything I had enjoyed?
"I really want to give up everything."
At first, I didn't understand depression. It was simply a disease caused by excessive negative thinking. I thought it was a condition that could be cured by simply changing one's mindset. However, depression had a power that ate away at a deeper part of one's being than I had imagined. The depression, the exact cause of which was unknown, persisted, and I felt it would consume me. I had to take medication several times a day to stay sane. I never knew that emotions could so devastate a person. I never dreamed that trivial remarks, actions that were considered normal for public figures, could be so terrifying.
I often buried my face in my lap and cried endlessly. Then I heard the door to my hospital room open. As I struggled to get up and turned my head toward the door, tears I'd thought would never come again poured out like water from a fountain.
"Jungkook.."
"Ham. Why are you like this! Why! You're not even answering my phone! Why...?"
Jungkook seemed to have a lot to say to me. But he couldn't finish and instead hugged me tightly. Why? Jungkook, who I'd always felt afraid of, felt so warm in his embrace that it brought comfort to my heart, which had never been free from anxiety since that day.
"I'm sorry, Ham."
"..."
"I'm sorry I couldn't come sooner. Really."
He probably didn't know where I was because I didn't tell him. That's probably why he couldn't come. Instead of getting angry, Jungkook apologizes. The heart that had longed for me countless times finally decided on the answer. I love Jungkook. That's why I can't be a burden to him. All I wanted to do was hope that Jungkook would find strength. That's why I started doing home-made activities. I somehow got the chance to become an idol and stand on the same level as Jungkook, but it was too much for me. That's what's making Jungkook sad.
"Jungkook."
"huh."
"Thank you for looking out for me. If it weren't for me, I wouldn't have made up my mind so easily."
"What does that mean?"
Jungkook looks at me with moist, tear-filled eyes. I'm so happy we could be this close. Jungkook. Now, Jungkook, go on the path where you can shine. You, shine from a higher place. I will always watch over you and cheer you on. I will cheer you on more than anyone else.
"I'm going to quit being an idol."
"Ham?"
"And I'm going to leave Korea for a while."
"Where are you going? Where are you going! I'm here. Where are you going?"
Jungkook finally shed tears. "I can't be a burden to you, who loves me so much. So, shouldn't I have been a little worse? Should I have been a little worse, so I could be a little selfish?"
"Let me go. Jungkook."
"No. No. Ham-ah. I don't want to send you away. I'll do everything else for you. Just ask Min Yoongi to send you away, and I'll do it. But that won't do. I don't want Ham-ah to disappear from my sight, Ham-ah."
That day, I realized for the first time how heartbreaking it is to see someone I love cry in front of me.
.
.
I mobilized my managers to get Jungkook away from me, who refused to leave me. I had to be even more determined and determined to get him to change his mind.
"Manager, please terminate my contract. Isn't that what the company wants?"
"Are you really thinking of quitting?"
I nodded toward my manager. He nodded helplessly and left the hospital room. That was the last time I could speak to Jungkook.
Soon, news broke about Ham's hiatus from the entertainment industry. Jungkook continued to text me.
"Ham. Please. I'm begging you. Don't go. Don't go too far. -Kuku."
Now, even checking the text messages became difficult. I missed Jeon Jungkook more than he missed me. I made a firm decision and changed my phone number. There was no longer any personal connection left with Jeon Jungkook. I felt like I'd miss him forever if I stayed in the same country, so I traveled abroad. I saw beautiful scenery and took pictures of things other than Jeon Jungkook.
"Jeon Jungkook really follows me wherever I go."
No matter what scenery I take, Jeon Jungkook always comes to mind. Is it because you're always the one I capture with my camera? Is that why you remain in my memory like this? My depression and panic disorder have improved significantly and are now at a normal level.
"I miss you. Jeon Jungkook."
I see you everywhere, but I really miss you. It's been exactly a year since we broke up, and Jeon Jungkook has already risen higher than the Jeon Jungkook I knew. He's truly become a brighter star. I wonder if Jungkook hasn't forgotten me yet? My career in the entertainment industry was brief, but there were so many shining people. I decided to go see Jungkook. The fan signing was too close, so I'll have a fan meeting instead. I'll just capture Jungkook's appearances on camera like I always have. I'm a fan. I still am.
The fan meeting ticket sales were definitely stronger than before. I barely managed to secure the last row of seats on the first floor. Jungkook, who showed up at the fan meeting, looked more gaunt than usual, perhaps due to his busy schedule. However, he still had a beautiful smile. I was so proud of Jungkook, who was so passionate about what he loved.
"As expected, it's shining beautifully."
I was relieved to see Jungkook looking healthy. Tears welled up in my eyes, perhaps because I was so relieved. During the fan meeting, there was a time when all of BTS would get closer to the audience, and Yoongi and Taehyung came in the lift towards me. I quickly put on my hat to hide my face. For some reason, Yoongi's gaze briefly landed on me. Had he been caught? I wondered if I should leave right now, but he didn't do anything and just waved to the other fans. I sighed in relief and continued watching the show. Jungkook must have gone to another floor, so he was nowhere to be seen. Should I consider myself lucky? I also felt a little bitter. It wasn't easy to see him up close, even if I wanted to.
I wanted to leave mid-performance. I felt like I'd lose my mind if I watched any longer. Now that both Jungkook and I had decided to start a new life, I thought, let's not hold back. I should just cheer them on from afar. As I was about to leave the venue, the fans' cheers grew louder.
"Where are you going? You're not going to miss the whole show, are you?"
It was Jungkook's voice. I couldn't see his face, but it was definitely true. I hadn't expected it. It wasn't common for someone to leave a concert in the middle of a hard-won BTS ticket. Just hearing his voice made me burst into tears. I had to open the door to leave, but my vision was blurry. I could hear fans murmuring. I needed to come to my senses. I couldn't cause any trouble here, so I ran out of the concert hall. I cried nonstop for days. Just hearing Jungkook's voice made me so happy. Memories I'd worked so hard to keep locked away came flooding back like seals had been broken, and I couldn't hold them back.
"Still, I'm glad. You look healthy. And you have more fans than before."
Now I have to organize too. Yes. I can completely organize. I've already organized the visible items. Because seeing them makes me think of them more and hurts. Today, I plan to organize one thing I couldn't. That's my personal homepage, which was filled with Jungkook's photos. I logged on to the homepage, thinking that today would be the last day I'd close it. There was a mountain of comments I hadn't even read. When I went to the comments section, thinking I should at least say my final goodbyes to the fans who visited even though I wasn't active, I scrolled down with my mouse like I was crazy. The notification window was filled with Kuku's comments, which I'd written every day while I was inactive.
"I practiced hard today, thinking of you. I don't think just crying is what you want." -Kuku.
"Looking back at the photos now, I'm reminded of those times. There are so many memories I want to cherish. When will you come back? -Kuku."
"There's no need to rush. Just take your time and rest until I become a little more awesome." -Kuku.
'I told you to take your time. I'll miss you in less than a day. -Kuku.'
The nickname "Kukku"—filled like a diary—came into view, blurry. Heavy tears, filled with regret toward Jungkook, fell. "I only ran away from you, but you always waited for me." Kukku's comment was also posted on the day I went to the concert.
"I saw someone who looked like you today. I really thought, 'Maybe it was you who came looking for me.' But when I tried to look closer, he hadn't come back into the concert hall. I suddenly got scared. I really thought you might never come back. -Kuku."
Jungkook noticed. That was me. I guess I only showed my back to you again. The comments continued even the day after the concert.
"I've been thinking about it carefully. I wonder if I've only been thinking about my own happiness. Ham-i has his own life ahead of him. I might hurt you again now. I don't want to repeat the same thing. So when I'm strong enough to protect Ham-i, will you come back to me? If you're reading this, could you leave me a short answer? I think I can hold on. -Kuku."
During the countless hours I spent trying to forget Jeon Jungkook, Jungkook struggled to keep me. Now, I need to find the courage, right? I need time, too, Jungkook. I started replying to Jungkook's comment. Will you wait until I become a better me? Will you let me stand tall in front of you? I closed the internet window and left my personal homepage open.
"Let's be brave. Let's find what we really love to do."
Because I want to go to Jeongguk as soon as possible.
.
.
In BTS' practice room, Jungkook is staring at his laptop for a long time.
"What are you looking at?"
As Yoongi approached Jeongguk, Jeongguk hurriedly closed the internet window.
"It's nothing! Let's all practice! Practice! How long are you going to rest?"
While all the BTS members tilted their heads at the sight of Jungkook, who was brimming with energy for once, Jungkook smiled happily as if he owned the world.
"Will you wait until I come to Jungkook without feeling ashamed? - Ham."
'I'll wait. As long as you want. -Kuku.'
The story of these two people is not ending, but is just beginning.
.
.
A romance experience between a close yet distant fan and an idol.
I have a series of Jeon Jungkook's home movies.
END.
Thank you for sticking with me until the end. (Heart above head)♡