That word
The moment I start, I become wary of myself. When I wonder if all humans are like this, I find myself lost in thought again.
No matter how much I think about it, this is the only way.
If I were to live in this world.
At some point, I just got frustrated. I was frustrated with what I couldn't do, frustrated with not being recognized, frustrated with not being noticed. So I decided to live up to that word.
I repeated countless times. Things I couldn't do. I practiced them enough to not be wary of myself. To be recognized for them. To the point where I could even half-ass that word. That's how much practice I did.
The more I did it, the more I hated it, but I was secretly proud when I succeeded.
So I started to fix myself.
Starting with personality,
My style,
My appearance
my body
my.....
I couldn't change my mind.
It didn't change. My heart kept failing to do what I wanted. It reflected my true self. It showed me who I really was. I ignored it.
'Again, again, again..!!!'
"Haa... again..."
I really wanted to hear it.
Well done, you worked hard, you improved a lot, you did well enough to say those words.
I want to hear that word.
The word that can make you feel confident that everything is true.
.
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.
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"So, you know today is the evaluation day, right?"
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.
.
"..."
"It's better than last time, but it's still not enough. Practice more. More."
"...(this clenched jaw)"
"Heroine? Answer."
"...yes.."
"Whew...okay, next."
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.
.
"....Haaah..."
"Hey, are you okay?"
"..."
"You practiced like crazy this time... It must be hard..."
"Yeah. I'll practice again."
"Yeah... okay..."
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.
.
There was no music, only the sound of someone moving around busily.
'Who is it...?'
I looked through the crack in the door and saw the same movements being repeated countless times.
.
.
.
"Ugh..."
'I can't be weak...'
I got anemia and eventually collapsed.
"excuse me, "
"I think that's enough."
"yes?"
"Who..."
Usually, trainees have name tags, but this person doesn't. So, is he a company official?
"I think it's okay to stop. You're in pain right now. You're tired. No matter how I look at it, your dancing is fine, so why are you dancing like crazy? Do you not like it...?"
'It may seem like a strange thing, but it looks so hard...'
He spoke to me at a rapid pace, his tone worried.
"....Yes, I don't like it. I think I need to do more."
"Huh.. really ㅋㅋ Don't you feel bad when I speak informally to you?"
"Not really..."
How could I know how others feel when I try to please them?
"That's strange... I don't think that would happen at all..."
"What is it?"
"You seem like a bright smiley person, but you're not like that at all..."
"It's like he's hiding his feelings a little and looks tired...?"
what....
How do you know I'm hiding my feelings?
"I know because I gritted my teeth and practiced like crazy just like you. To others, it seems like you're really good, but to me, it seems like you're still lacking and need to work harder. Right?"
"...."
"It seems like he's a trainee at our company. He's doing well. As long as he doesn't make mistakes in the actual performance, I think he'll be able to debut."
"Really?"
"Well then! You're doing really well."
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.
.
Since meeting him, I've felt a little less trapped. I feel a little more relaxed, but then I feel anxious. And then I have doubts.
Who is he?
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I had left the sheet music at the recording studio and was on my way to get it. I heard a voice that was clear and refreshing yet dark and heavy, filled with every note. I was entranced. At first glance, it sounded similar to my own tone.
"Who are you?" (Jimin)
"...!"
"uh...?"
"hello.."
"Are you the... trainee from last time?"
"yes...!"
"You sing well, and your voice is nice too, lol"
"Thank you. But what's the matter?"
"Oh, I just came to get some sheet music.. haha. Work hard!"
"yes..!"
"Oh, but,"
"Aren't you curious about who I am?"
"Yes...? Ah..."
"Palace, gold... let's do it.."
"Me, Park Jimin. My name is Park Jimin. Should I go?"
"?!...yes..?!"
"Phew...lol"
Jimin came out of the recording studio with a smile on his face.
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(Humming) Now promise me~ Hmm~"
"Haa... no, this isn't it... um... um... that's why... ah, it's frustrating.."
When I was muttering to myself
"The midterm evaluation begins."
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"Hey, why don't you improve as much as you practice? I know how much you practice. But why is your skill still the same?"
"..."
'How would I know that...'
"Ask yourself, are you really practicing with all your heart, or are you just pretending? This time, it's ambiguous again. Next time."
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.
.
Perhaps because it was the rainy season, the rain poured down like crazy. It was dawn, so there was no one there. Beneath the rain,
I am standing.
At that time, I ran into Jimin across the crosswalk.
Jimin was flustered by the rain falling on the female protagonist without an umbrella, and as soon as the traffic light changed, he ran over without an umbrella.
"Why are you doing this?"
With that, the wet hair grew cold.
.
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.
.
I rushed into Jimin's studio.
Jimin poured warm tea into a cute cup. The woman, wrapped in a towel and covered with a blanket, sat in front of Jimin.
"....I'm sorry...because of me..."
I thought he was probably apologizing for getting his clothes wet.
"Why are you sorry? I'm fine. I'm worried about you right now. If I hadn't come, you would have been out in the rain for two hours... No, you could have been out in the rain all night."
"he...."
Jimin sipped his tea and waited for her to calm down.
"..."
"Do whatever you want, isn't it going well?"
"(Nodding) Well...no..."
"I really think you're doing great, and I'm not just saying that."
"But my dance teacher said that my skills are the same... I still have a lot to learn... I need to improve more."
"It's okay to fill in what you lack, but your skills aren't the same. They're improving. Do you know why your teacher doesn't tell you? He's worried you'll get too excited and overconfident. Of course, it's good to praise him occasionally, but that teacher rarely praises him... That's why."
"I'll give you lots of compliments."
"In my view, you are,"
"It's perfect."
"....!!!"
The words I so desperately wanted to hear... he said them.
Perfect.
ㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡ
Why do I write so well at dawn...ㅋㅋㅋㅋ
I heard somewhere that when you write something like this, you write about your true feelings and what you really want to say... I guess it's hard for me since I write a lot of dark works lol.
Still, I'm happy to be able to express it in words♡
(I would be happier if the fanfly worked well without errors^^ I replaced it with a gif picture...ㅎ It lags a lot, so it took 1 hour and 30 minutes to write...)
What words came to mind while you were reading? Please leave a comment. Haha. It was hard to express perfection with just "that word." This is why vocabulary is so important...ㅠㅠ
Sonting 🥺🥺