<spring>
Pitch black where light cannot enter through the curtain darkness pierce incoming A single strand light, It's cloudy, but Certain and weak but Absolutely It won't disappear not that In the light why here The gaze Whether it goes. test results I heard Behind Jimin Don't meet I couldn't I'm not saying it's okay I did It's okaydid not together Finish up I wanted to, but alone others to you So much I was sorry.
I want to be with you until the end, but
I am sad and sorry that I cannot do that.
Because the image of you hurt and in pain without me this coming spring keeps lingering in my mind.
I want to push him away and lessen his pain, but
If that happens, I think I would be in so much pain and sadness.
All I can do is cry over this whole thing that is so confusing and complicated.
so Try hard thee Ignore and also Ignoring my In my head To delete did.
but also Even at the end With him Together deep case It is the same. so more sad and more In painI love you that much.
"under..
jimin park, Jimin...”
trembling voice and soon Tears to spill thing same with a voice him anxiously CallingThe headache is getting worseThe heart It felt numb.
“Jimin.. me What should I do?...?
What do you think you would have done?
that on the horse my In the eyes cold and transparent water droplets one all one all away Just go did.
Now I am this The situation You might be able to overcome it It might be acceptable does not exist. that two In the direction each other each different Our The pain I'll be waiting Tenni,
Decision I have to get off does.
With him Until the very end happy Is it?
or not I no In the future his pain to reduce Is it?
in the heart threads Solve to the point where there isn't enough puddle tangled and my My mind only To himKorea with worry nothing In the eyes Don't come in did not.
Ding!
at that time Just in time ringing Alarm
Yeoju recently What happened there is? Contact too well It's not working..You looked like you were having a hard time..'
like that talking To him I able to The horse Nothing It is the same.The truth I could say and my inside my heart story It might be possible no that doldrums feelings he is Do you know?
I am formed Tears Stealing To him reply write started but once infatuated Tears Whether to stop I didn't know
Tutuk
Thump thump
cell phone On top of the screen Endlessly Just falling did. Hand I'm trembling Reply too Properly write It was tough and To him what words I don't know what to do I didn't know.How to his worry can relieve Is it possible? While thinking I remembered excuses smallScreenabove with difficulty I wrote it down.
‘recently I think I have body aches...first liaison I couldn't do it Sorry..’
‘now It's home?’
‘huh..lay down..’
‘okay’
Contact It is cut off and Once again Lying down ceiling I looked. So far faint The light curtain Through visibleThere was.
too long time During the time crying, also crying, also I cried grunge of the pupil The focus As it gets blurry eyelids eyeAhead covered. Sleep Coming in The front dark It changed. will happen strengtheven Don't did not just every thing Agreeing eyes Attached.
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how much Has it passed?
-Beep beep beep_Titti
Ding dong
The door Opening sound and together anyone me called.
“Yeoju are you okay? The body how?”
It was Jimin. he is I too worried remain Yakgwa fever reducers librarian my Home Visited It was.
I am any Words can There wasn't. A few daysduring I cried my eyes out Floating In the eyes Makeup too did not bare face, night wear dressed to sleep Enter It was there!
his voice I heard It was sad, but now my The situation So much shameful remain bedding Inside So fast Go inside I threw it away.
“Yeoju?? I'll come in.”
his The sound of footsteps Gradually to me It got closer Footsteps my In front It stopped. always pretty Only the appearance It looks I want to like this this appearance Make it visible become So much I'm ashamed, and also I'm ashamed
“Yeoju! where it hurts..?”
Under the covers No words summer solstice not appearance report many amazed It is the shape. talking girl I like always When he comes halfSuddenly I let it hit me. Random words without Under the covers Silently Lying down thing If you look... It's surprising did.
I am crawling in with a voice said.
“why...”
“..huh? what?”
“... why I'm here!
me any Preparation notI did...!”
“Hahahahaha”
“why Smile...!”
“that It's because of that? I am also you many I thought it hurt Got it?”
“but...”
“any Prepare I didn't do it shameful going to be? Haha, I told you.you what chart It's pretty”
Sweet to the tone of voice Once again With him Together look like.
“therefore Lady? Look at your face Please show me~”
“...Chit”
I am doing number without bedding out head peeking out stuck it out
“Hahaha, so cute”
he is on the sly came out my head While stroking said now After a while Don't feel Can't this touch many Feeling look like. many him Feelinglook like
The ball red It was colored, this The situation While being good I was ashamed. AlsoConfused and I was happy.
he is to me Yakgwa water Handing it over said
“Saying he had a fever, It doesn't hurt except”
"yes..”
_Gulp. Only after swallowing all the medicine did my blurry vision return, and my headache subsided.
A paper bag was hanging in his other hand, which had just handed over the medicine.
“What is that..?”
“Huh? I bought you some porridge to eat if you get sick.”
“Jimin... thank you so much.”
“No, haha. It’s obvious.”
Hehe
I didn't want to feel this sadness, this pain, this confusion even in this happy moment. I decided to forget it, at least for this moment.
“...”
However, that thought did not easily disappear and soon made me anxious again.
I'm curious about your opinion.
“Jimin, wanna play a balance game?”
“Huh? Good.”
“Then you go first!”
“If a boyfriend finds out his girlfriend is hiding something, should he pretend not to know vs. pretend to know?”
“Hmm… I’d like you to pretend you don’t know!”
“Ah… now it’s your turn!”
“If my girlfriend gets a terminal illness
Girlfriend who leaves happy memories until the very end vs. Girlfriend who breaks up in advance to lessen the sadness for her boyfriend who will grieve after her death
“What do you like?”
His expression darkened rapidly.
“...”
Oh, definitely not my story! I was just curious.
I was afraid.
Of course, I’ll leave you with happy memories and send you off happily.
“No, I’m going to save him. I’m going to leave him only happy memories until he dies.”
My heart feels heavy.
That can't be. No matter how I look at it, there is no hope.
Even the hospital I visit every two days says my condition is worsening, yet like the brother and sister who became the sun and moon, no lifeline is coming down...
“If, just if... you die soon, I want to love you until the very end and be with you.”
"Will you allow me?"
"huh!…."
His words moved my heart once again. I barely managed to stop the tears that had stopped flowing. However, I could not hide my sadness.
“Why are you about to cry?I was wrong, don't cry.huh?"
Noticing my expression, he asked in surprise
I felt like I was going to cry even more, but I held back and spoke in a trembling voice. It sounded like I was about to cry.
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"love you"
I made a decision. I vowed to live creating happy memories with him until the very end, to be with him until the very last moment, to keep my pain a secret, and to spend even more enjoyable time together.
I truly love you. More than everything I have, more than anything else... Because he is my everything, I will be with him until the very end. It hurts. It hurts even more because I love you.
His answer determined our destiny, and that destiny
I hope for a happy ending.
Just like always, I hope you continue to be happy...
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_______________________________________________
May 27, 2021
This is the first page of the journal I will leave for him.
The cherry blossoms were clearly in full bloom and I was so happy, but the end of spring has already arrived. I am keeping my distance from you. I surely wanted to create joyful memories with you and die happily.I started to think that I need to distance myself, even now. Otherwise, I feel like you would be even sadder in a world without me.
However, your words that day changed my mind. I decided to overcome all the pain together with you, love happily until the very end, and bring things to a close.
This is my choice, and also his. I hope for a happy ending, but knowing that reality is so cruel, I suppose I will read this after I die, won't I?
I am so sorry to your future self, and I love you. Although there are no cherry blossoms, the flowers that bloomed between us will always maintain their form, reflecting and preserving our memories.
The words you said that day lingered in my heart for a long time, making me feel your love once more.
I don't have any symptoms right now, but I'm afraid because I don't know when they might appear. By the time you see me, I might already be dead, but as I write this, I am vividly alive.
That is why it is even more terrifying. Rather than death, I can feel your emotions reading this right here, right now, reaching me.
Sorry,
love you,
Thank you again.
Thank you for staying with me until the very end, even though I am like this.
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If you die soon, I will love you until the very end.
Because the most important thing to me is that you don't leave me.
I want to love you until the very end, just as I said.
Right before you die, no, even after you die.
May 27, 2021