My wandering is
: My wanderings
Everyone wanders at least once in their lives. Within the word "wandering," some people destroy their bodies, while others destroy their minds. I've always wondered: if I wander, does it have to be me who destroys myself? Will I be happy even if I destroy myself? Ironically, I was afraid of destruction, but I longed for happiness. I struggled to decide between two paths, struggling to survive, and ultimately, I achieved nothing.A snicker escaped my lips. Ah, you coward. The laughter, which had been slowly leaking out like a hollow laugh, soon grew so loud that my lungs and throat hurt. I laughed like that for a long time. Ignoring the glances of those who glanced at me, I clutched my stomach and laughed until tears streamed down my face. I was definitely laughing. The upturned cheekbones, the corners of my mouth, and the slanted eyes were all clear evidence of a smile…
“It hurts. My chest feels so tight…”
We all know that we live wearing masks. We must hold on tightly so they don't slip off. But because my mask felt particularly heavy that day, and because I'd forgotten how to take it off and lived my whole life that way, I ended up breaking it myself.
My wandering is
: My wanderings
Not long after I took off my mask, I sought refuge in an old, abandoned warehouse behind the school. As I said, I was a coward, so I couldn't do anything that would ruin my body. But I had to be happy, so I desperately wanted to be happy, so this was the place I ran away to. My pride was hurt because I had run away to school, so I clenched my teeth and pulled the rusted warehouse door open. A squeak pierced my ears.The sound lingered for a while, and the moment I glimpsed the warehouse's interior, I couldn't help but be startled. Knowing it was an abandoned warehouse, I expected it to be riddled with cobwebs, or crawling with things like raccoons and cockroaches. However, while the exterior and doors were rusty, the interior was pristine, almost as if human hands had touched it just yesterday.
I opened my eyes wide, cautiously entering and scanning the interior. A sofa and a small table sat on the carpeted floor near the entrance. Across from it, a projector screen hung. Next to it, a tray filled with a selection of slightly out-of-the-ordinary snacks like shrimp, octopus, and potato. Thanks to the cramped space, a mattress and bedding were placed about a meter away from the sofa. I quite liked this simple yet cozy space.
“How is it, do you like it?”
“Ah! This is a surprise…!”
Perhaps because I was so absorbed in the sights that I didn't even notice the presence of people, I flinched at the sudden sound of a man's voice. I quickly turned around and heard the voice.Checking the source, I saw a man with blue hair, smiling with the corners of his mouth raised. I could tell right away that he was the owner of this space. After all, the only people who would enter such a secluded place were me or the creator of this space. I decided to head to the rooftop and was about to leave, but the man extended his hand to me, frowning, wondering what it meant.
“Do you want to hang out here for a bit?”
“…Is that okay?”
“Sit down there, it’s comfortable.”
The blue-haired man closed the warehouse door, came in, and tugged on a thin rope hanging from the center of the ceiling. A moderately bright light spread throughout the warehouse, and I cautiously sat down on the sofa. The more I looked, the more the corners of my mouth naturally quirked at the cozy space. Then, the man picked up a blanket from the mattress and draped it over my legs. Despite his slightly fierce appearance, his expression was affectionate. I blinked twice, flustered by such consideration. The man sat down on the mattress and chuckled.
“Your name is… Yeoju, right? Kim Yeoju?”
“How did you know?”
“Name tag over there.”
"ah…"
The name tag stared at him, his mouth slightly open, as if he hadn't thought of it, and he gently brushed his blue bangs away with his hand. Taking advantage of the gap, I checked the name tag on his left chest and slowly took in his name. Choi Yeonjun. I thought the name was really pretty. It seemed to suit his features: slightly slanted, twinkle-eyed eyes, a high nose, and especially his plump, red lips. Thanks to my strange habit of staring at him from start to finish, I kept staring at Choi Yeonjun. His pale skin, long neck, and slightly sassy face, along with his school uniform from shirt to tie, seemed strangely awkward, so I chuckled. Choi Yeonjun tilted his head at me, though.
“Oh, why are you laughing-.”
“It’s a secret. You don’t have to know.”
“Kim Yeo-ju is totally lethal!”
Perhaps it's the cozy atmosphere, but it also makes people feel comfortable around him. Perhaps it's Choi Yeonjun's easygoing personality and his knack for smoothly leading conversations that contribute to this. Thanks to this, we shared stories, both light and slightly heavy, with each other. We laughed as we talked and listened, and we even cried for each other, even when we couldn't cry freely over our own stories. Before hearing Choi Yeonjun's story, I assumed he had grown up surrounded by nothing but love. His laughter, his sociability, his ingrained manners and affection were all characteristics of children raised in loving homes. However, Choi Yeonjun's situation was the complete opposite of what I had imagined. Choi Yeonjun, who seemed to have grown up in a warm environment, was abandoned by his parents at an early age and raised in an orphanage. The fact that he now lived alone in this space was even more surprising. The most heartbreaking part of his story was the calm way he told it all. Choi Yeonjun looked so indifferent that he seemed to be completely indifferent, and tears welled up in my eyes for no reason, and eventually a single tear fell.
“I’m the one talking, so why are you crying?”
“Oh, I don’t know… Why don’t you care? You’re so indifferent, so I feel sad for no reason…!”
“Don’t cry, people tend to become dull quickly when it comes to their own affairs.”
"Don't act all grown up, idiot. We're still so young."
“…I know.”
The saddest thing in my life wasn't my family dying, or the loss of something I loved, but us growing up too fast. When I was young, I definitely wanted to grow up quickly, but maybe it happened too quickly. I just felt so sorry for you and me, who grew up before our age. That's why I cried even more, and Choi Yeonjun looked at me for a while, then turned his head and fanned his eyes. I think he was trying to hide the redness in his eyes. Choi Yeonjun did that for a while, and then, as if he had calmed down, he raised the corners of his mouth again and spoke to me.
“You, how did you get here?”
While Choi Yeonjun calmed down, I too, wiping my eyes with my sleeve, swallowed back my tears, but they were starting to sting once again, making it seem pointless. The only reason was that someone had asked me, "How are you?" That was all. I swallowed the tears welling up in my eyes as best I could by looking up at the ceiling, and slowly began to reveal my inner self. Compared to Choi Yeonjun, I had a really good life. I had healthy parents, went to school on time, and lived without wanting anything. Some might think I'm saying this because I'm overjoyed, but sometimes...Even perfection is suffocating. Even more so when it's only superficial. I've always been someone who's hollow inside. To become what my parents, teachers, and friends want, I've never been able to take off my mask. My life has been filled with people who expect something from me, no one who truly sees me. I've never cried or laughed. My emotions have long since become numb, having always just smiled endlessly behind my false mask. As I pondered whether Choi Yeonjun might be teaching me, who no longer knows how to laugh, how to cry, how to reveal my true self, a tear fell from Choi Yeonjun's eye.
“Why are you crying? Don’t cry…!”
“What should I do when I’m in more pain because you’re holding it in… I guess that’s how you felt when you saw me earlier.”
“Oh, perfect.”
“… Lady, can I ask you a favor?”
“What is it?”
“From now onI'll reach out to you first. I'll definitely do it."
My eyes meet with Choi Yeonjun's, who is shedding tears.
“You run away with me every time.”
It was a fleeting moment. Tears as thick as chicken droppings began to fall from my eyes. I don't know why. Choi Yeonjun's words, "Just run away together," filled me with happiness rather than sadness. My breathing, which had been suffocating, seemed to release at the sound of Choi Yeonjun's words, "Let's hold hands and run together." The tears flowed without stopping. They streamed down my cheeks. Despite how unsightly I must have looked, I nodded vigorously, looking at Choi Yeonjun.Oh, okay. Let's run away together.It was a phrase I'd whispered to myself countless times. Caught between tears, I could only open my mouth wide, unable to speak aloud. But Choi Yeonjun, as if he understood, responded with a bright smile. We smiled brightly for each other, our eyes brimming with tears.
Yes, this is my unbroken wandering. More precisely, it's our own escape to happiness. Choi Yeonjun was my wandering, and I was Choi Yeonjun's wandering.