Chapter 39. I Want to Die
I tried to tell Taehyung what was happening. But I worried he might do the same thing. Ultimately, I changed the subject, saying it was nothing, apologized for calling him so late, and turned around. At that moment, he grabbed my wrist in a hurry.
"If anything happens, please tell me, Ji-eun." Tae-hyung
His words made my heart sink. I wanted to speak right now, but my body wouldn't cooperate. He released my wrist and went his way. My body wouldn't move as I wanted. I couldn't control my body as I walked home, step by step. I shouted, "Please stop, Ji-eun. It has to be now!" dozens of times, but my body, to my chagrin, wouldn't stop. Eventually, I arrived in front of my house.
Someone was leaning against my door, playing on their phone. A cold sweat broke out on my back, and I was ready to press a shortcut key. Then, my phone rang, indicating an incoming call. He turned and looked at me.
"Are you here? I came because you weren't answering your phone."
He's none other than senior Min Yoongi. Wait a minute, that senior is coming to our house...
I was worried without even looking into his eyes, all sorts of thoughts running through my head, and I thought, "Should I run away now?"
"How did my senior build my house..."
"I just used some money. But Ji-eun, you sent the wrong text, right?" Yoon-gi
"Senior, I didn't send the wrong text, but I'll pretend not to know that you got my home address that way, so go back." Ji-eun
"I don't like it. Why me?" Yoongi
"Why are all of you seniors like that? It's not like you're impatient because you can't catch me. Why are you all acting like that? You weren't like that before."
"It wasn't like that originally... Why do you think that?" Yoongi
"What is that.." Ji Eun
He straightened up, shaking his dark hair and staggering towards me. As he approached, his distinctive woodsy scent vanished, replaced by the reek of alcohol. His eyes were slumped, their pitch-black pupils revealing nothing. At that moment, the thought crossed my mind, "Oh, senior, you're out of your mind right now." I took a step back, avoiding him. He grabbed my shoulder and pulled me into his embrace.
“If... I had held you captive like this, would you have only seen me?”
shine
"I will not live my life being held captive by anyone."
"F*ck lol this is why I like you" Yoongi
He pulled me out of his embrace. Then he sat down, shrugging his shoulders and laughing. That laugh was so creepy that I couldn't speak. Min Yoongi laughed like that, then suddenly his face became serious and he sat up abruptly. He put his hands in his pants pockets and bent down to my height.
"I'll come back tomorrow. Wait." Yoongi
"Huh? Don't come. Please." Ji-eun
"I don't need your opinion. If the door doesn't open tomorrow, I'll come in anyway I can, so just know that. I'll be going." Yoongi
"....." written by
Min Yoongi's words sent fear through me. Was this just their personality? Or did I change them? This wasn't what I wanted, so why did it turn out this way? When I think about it, maybe I made a mistake coming to this school in the first place. This thought occurred to me for the first time in my life. I want to die. As soon as I got home, I picked up the sleeping pill I sometimes take when I can't sleep. It's a medicine that you shouldn't take in large amounts.
I emptied the bed of all the medicine I had. If I took all of this at once, would I die?
At that moment, I saw myself in the mirror. "You're not that great, are you?" It was just so funny and pathetic. I put the medicine aside, buried my face in the bed, and poured out my feelings. Only this room would accept me. Only this room would comfort me. It seemed as if this room knew how I felt, as if it was crying alongside me.
I opened my eyes to the sound of the doorbell being repeatedly pressed. It was already morning. Medicines were strewn beside me. I went outside at the loud doorbell. Min Yoongi was waiting outside, his face serious. I should've come to my senses. Who would've thought I'd forget what he said yesterday just because I slept once? I tried to close the door again. But then his large hand grabbed the door through the crack, and I, helpless and drawn by his strength, let go. He strode into my house without a second thought.
"What are you doing?!" Ji-eun
"....what are you doing" Yoongi
He looked at the medicines strewn across the bed, sighed deeply, and looked at me. My eyes, which had been blank yesterday, now lit up in his. His worried expression made me flinch. It seemed the complete opposite of his appearance yesterday.
"Senior, I asked you not to pretend to know me, but is it difficult to grant that one request?" Ji-eun
"Why are you suddenly like that?" Yoongi
"Then why did the seniors suddenly become like this? Why are they all acting like crazy?" Ji-eun
"I told you yesterday. This was originally ours." Yoongi
"Senior. No, Min Yoongi. Please get out of here and stop causing trouble in someone else's house in the morning." Ji-eun
"Hey, Lee Ji-eun. Are you going to say something like that?" Yoon-gi
"Oh. That's what I'll do. Why are you dissatisfied?" Ji-eun
"No. That's why I want more." Yoongi
It was a mistake. I hoped that the person today would be even a little different from the person yesterday.
"You crazy bastard..."
"See you at school in 3 days" Yoongi
Min Yoongi kissed my cheek and left. It was dirty. I ran to the bathroom and frantically washed my cheek with water. Even like this, my cheek felt dirty. After being treated like this by them for only three weeks, their skinship had become nothing more than filth. I wanted to cut my cheek off and throw it away right now. I nervously ran my hand through my hair, dreading the upcoming first day of school. In the mirror, I was wiping my long hair off my skinny body, chewing my nails until they bled. But I didn't feel any pain. Why?
My usually bright and cheerful room became gloomy and dark. I didn't check my phone as much as before, and most importantly, I had nowhere to go. Who would have thought that the fun vacation I had been looking forward to would turn out to be a terrible vacation? Would I feel better if I gave up everything?
[BEHIND: Jungkook's Thoughts]
Ji-eun, who had clearly been there just a moment ago, was nowhere to be seen. I asked one of Ji-eun's classmates and they said she had already left. I felt bad, but I couldn't help it since I was helping out at the store I know. I closed the store and turned on my phone to check, and there was a text from Ji-eun from two hours ago. I looked at the text with a fluttering heart, and the text I received hurt as if it pierced my heart. It was a text telling me not to pretend to know her anymore. At first, I hoped it was a lie. Just a few hours ago, she was laughing with her friends and talking to me. I believed she was joking and called her.
Even when I called, Ji-eun didn't pick up. I was scared. That she would leave me. So the next day, I went straight to her house. I was worried that she would avoid me even more if I went there without a plan, but I was also worried that something might have happened to Ji-eun. So I ran to her house. Ji-eun looked surprised when she saw me. She pushed me away and told me to go back. I didn't know what happened to Ji-eun, but I couldn't believe I could pretend not to know her. From then on, I contacted her every single day without fail.
One day, I ran into Ji-eun outside. But she was smiling and talking to another man. Then, I came to my senses and found myself kissing her. What on earth had I done? Ji-eun was staring at me, terrified. I wanted to say even a word of apology, but she fled, avoiding me. Why am I like this?
When the day came when she didn't answer my call, I got worried and went to her house. Today, I hoped she wouldn't answer. Because I was going to use the excuse that she didn't answer the phone to meet up and apologize for kissing me last time. So, I practiced how to apologize at home by watching YouTube. I tidied up my clothes, touched my hair for no reason, knocked on her door, and told her my name. A few minutes later, she appeared in front of me hesitantly.
"Ji-eun. Why aren't you answering your phone?"
I said something like that without realizing it. I didn't mean to say it like that. But what I could see was her eyes were bloodshot and swollen, as if she had cried, and she looked thinner than before. I was worried, so I hugged her. Ji-eun tried to get out of my arms, but I held her tighter. It felt like it was all my fault that her thin body and crying were hidden by her clothes.
"Why are you so skinny?" Jungkook
I said it as best I could without surprising her.
"Seniors act like this..." Ji-eun
"It's your fault that we ended up like this. If only you hadn't sent me that text telling me not to pretend I didn't know, it wouldn't have happened." Jungkook
"No, Ji-eun. It's not because of you. Hey, tell me it's not Jeon Jung-kook. Please."
First, I went into her house to avoid causing any harm to the neighbors, and as soon as I got there, I let her go.
"I'd rather have Taehyung as senior..." Ji-eun
Ji-eun spoke to me as if telling me to listen. Hearing the name Kim Tae-hyung made me lose my mind again. That punk was more dangerous than that Park Jimin.
"Don't call that kid's name. I'm jealous." Jungkook
"Senior, do you like me? Why are you like that when you don't even like me?" Ji-eun
"Oh, I like you. Not just me, but the other three all like you. No, I love you." Jungkook
This wasn't the confession I wanted. I didn't want to say it at this time. And why on earth did you add that you liked the other three? She sighed and spoke with a cold expression.
"...Senior, that's not love, it's obsession." Ji-eun
It was a cruel response that finally came back to me. I was obsessed? She pushed me out of her house.
"Obsession?.."
I leaned against the wall next to the door for a while, thinking. My actions were nothing more than obsession. It was quite shocking. I used to foolishly think of Kim Taehyung, Min Yoongi, and Park Jimin as just obsessive, but now I'm in the same situation as them... Lee Ji-eun, how far will you go to change me?
I walked slowly back to my house.
"What is this, I can't even apologize..."
