"What am I?"
*Please note that this content is based on the author's abstract concepts and true stories. The characters and content in this article are unrelated to reality and were referenced from BTS's song lyrics.
*Contains trigger warning material.
-
Theft and distribution of this article are prohibited.
-What am I?-
-
I asked myself.
Who are you?
But the answer that comes back is
...
Just silence
-
Since some time ago, I always wake up in the morning, brush my teeth and wash my face, go to school to study, come back home, pack my bag, head to the study room to study, and come home late at night. There are many things that upset me at least once every day, and the world is full of things I don't like.
I was becoming increasingly exhausted by the listless, repetitive tasks of daily life. In this exhausting routine, I found myself lost in my own thoughts, unbeknownst to anyone.
-
When I looked around, I saw people who were better than me, people who were good at studying, people with outstanding looks, and people with shining wealth. My self-esteem plummeted into the abyss of that blue sea.
In my daily life, there was no one to protect me, no one to talk to. Perhaps I was the only one who felt that way. As time passed, I became increasingly silent, and I fell into deep turmoil, questioning whether I could achieve my dreams, who I was, and why I was so incompetent.
And in the same daily routine, the people who put me under the most stress are probably my ‘family.’ They may be a source of strength to others. But, not just to me. You can call me a bad person. Because to me, they were like an overwhelming burden. I am just a middle school student who has just found his dream. However, I have lived listening to adults since I was young. When I was born, my mother and father were well over 40 years old, and my older sister was also an adult. As I grew up,
“You must do well.”
“You must live well by taking good care of your mother and father.”
"Study hard"
"You have to take responsibility for everything."
I'd been hearing things like that since I was five, so much so that it was ingrained in my ears. I never knew what I was responsible for, and whenever my father's business faltered, the blame fell on me.
That's how I spent my childhood, and when I went to daycare, I started school late compared to other kids my age. On top of that, I was timid, so I became the target of their ridicule, and the friends I used to play with gradually distanced themselves from me. Before I knew it, I entered elementary school and stopped playing with girls. As the girls went up in grade level, they became meaner, and I also became more and more worn out.
Then, when I entered the sixth grade, I started down a bad path and spent my elementary school years like that. I was always afraid and scared to go home. Of course, they didn't hit me or curse at me for not studying.
As time passed, my mother's obsession with me only deepened, and the adults around me increasingly pressured me. Because of my mother's obsession, I could never sleep alone. She always held me while I slept, never letting me be alone. I could never sleep over at a friend's house, and if I didn't study, she would sigh in front of me, telling me to do it if I wanted to, but her eyes would silently tell me to do it even if I didn't want to.
I began to wonder why I was born late and suffered such humiliation, and who I was, who I was.
So, after much thought, I secretly defined myself: I was inferior to others, not even half as good as others, a timid, inferior person.
Maybe if I had never been born, if I had been better than others, what would the adults and my friends have thought of me?
I still think about it to this day.
Am I really such a bad person?
So the story in my mind continued to sink deeper and deeper into the abyss.
-----------
03.17
HAPPY BIRTHDAY - Bixby's birthday message
-
Hello😁
This is Bixby.
Today I bring you a special celebratory episode to celebrate my birthday.
First of all, I'm so sorry that I couldn't return to the main story, and thank you so much for waiting for so long.
The situation that I couldn't come for a long time, 6 months
I was in a physical condition that required psychological counseling, and I couldn't work due to persistent headaches.
I am so sorry and grateful to all the readers who have waited for a long time.
The full episode will be uploaded on Tuesday, March 17th, which is my birthday.
First of all, this is a congratulatory message for your birthday.
I'm telling you this because I'm afraid you might be surprised by this heavy story.
This is a re-written story based on my true story.
I am still in the same situation as above.
But, I wrote every time that happened, and even when I was bullied or suffered a lot of humiliation, I just endured it and moved on.
Now that I think about it,
I often regret not being angry when I should have been angry instead of just enduring it.
I really want to tell you this
Please don't measure yourself up to other people's standards.
No matter what others say, no matter who badmouths me, those people just shut their mouths.
You are the most precious and wonderful people in the world.
Don't worry, it's just one life, and it'll be too hard if I live up to other people's standards.
Don't get sick, stay healthy
Take care of your health,
If you have any difficulties, please write them in the comments.
Thank you so much to all the readers, and to those who stop by and take a look, and to those who leave comments.
I will become a writer who works harder, Choi Villain.
Cheer up
thank you
To all who read this article and to all the readers.
Bixby Olim.