Includes many trigger materials
Contains profanity
Unsettling Summer
"This bitch!"
"What? This little human scumbag -"
Oh dear, here we go again. There hasn't been a single quiet day.
I put my earphones in my ears, closed my eyes tightly, and prayed earnestly.
If there really is a God, please save me. What would God do? To save those who are lost and judge the sinners. That's all.
I prayed to the illusion, almost to the point of death. I wanted to go to heaven, too. I wanted to go to the heaven that people held so dear.
"Hey! Come out!"
I put aside my vain prayers for a moment and left the room.
"why."
"Why? What kind of habit is that to have when talking to an adult! Did your mother teach you that?"
"What? What kind of tone is that to speak to a child!"
I furrowed my brow. If they were going to fight, they'd fight amongst themselves. They always called me out and argued at least once. And then they hit each other, and I hit them too.
"Aren't you impressed? Where did you learn to be such a brat!"
A rolling bottle of liquor, my father tapping my forehead with his damned finger again and again. I reached for the bottle. God, I probably won't make it to heaven like this, right? But that's okay. That's okay. I'll just go to hell.
Mom hugged me. She was holding half of the bottle, and I couldn't tell where the other half was. It was covered in blood.
"You, you..."
"Let's pretend today never happened to you. Let's pretend it happened to your mother."
Mom, I stabbed someone. Your embrace, small but warm as a child, has now become infinitely smaller, and instead of you embracing me, it's me embracing you.
"Mom, I wanted to go to heaven. To God's paradise, full of dreams and illusions. I wanted to get away from here."
Mom's trembling hand gently cupped my cheek. "Don't cry, Mom."
"Come on, Gyuri. Come on."
My mom immediately stuffed my necessities, clothes, and everything else into a bag and pushed me out the front door.
Unsettling Summer
"Ugh-"
"Gyuri!" Choi Beomgyu yelled at me. This dream always makes me feel like shit. The one where I stabbed my father. I thought I stabbed him to kill him, but it wasn't enough. He came back to life after receiving treatment and started raging, saying he'd catch me and beat me to death. My mother took the blame for my crime and went to prison.
"Don't cry, Gyuri. Is this that dream again?"
Choi Beom-gyu gently brushed my eyes. His body heat felt infinitely warm to me. Of course, Choi Beom-gyu's hands were always cold.
"Beomgyu, why are you still friends with me when you know I stabbed someone?"
"sympathy."
The sympathy of an old friend he'd known since childhood. That was all, said Choi Beom-gyu.
"I see. Sympathy..."
Yeah, I got it. I forced a smile, the corners of my lips turning up. My eyes were furrowed, and the corners of my mouth were forced up, a strange expression.
...
"Gyuri, wake up!"
Choi Beom-gyu shook me awake. When I opened my eyes, I felt a warm heat rising up.
"Uh uh.."
"I have to go to school."
Choi Beom-gyu leaned against the door, arms folded, nagging me, and he looked very much like my mother.
"Ah... I don't want to go to school."
I hate summer the most. The weather is so damn hot and there's nothing good about it, it's so selfish. I hate it.
I got up and threw on a simple school shirt over my black running shorts. The principal might be annoyed by this, but I have to live.
"Are you wearing it like that again?"
"Yeah. It's so hot I can't stand it."
I smiled brightly and clapped my hands in agreement. The answer I'd heard from Choi Beom-gyu yesterday had long since been erased from my mind, so I could act as if nothing had happened.
And it seemed like Choi Beom-gyu was erased from my memory.
"..Shall we run?"
Choi Beom-gyu glanced at his cell phone and spoke to me.
"Ugh, I don't want to... Are you late?"
"Yeah. Two minutes left."
"Jump."
I held Beomgyu Choi's hand and ran like crazy. His hand was warm. Beomgyu's hand was always cold, as if it had been dipped in ice water.
"You two over there! Late! And what's with that girl's clothes?"
Hak-ju tapped my shoulder with his finger. Once again, I remembered what my father always did to me: whenever he was dissatisfied with me, he'd tap me on the spot with his finger.
"Don't do it."
Finally, I couldn't stand it anymore and grabbed Hakju's hand. Hey, give me some demerit points.
"Yes, sir. I'm already late, but I'll be even later..."
The boy standing next to me chimed in. "Tsk," Hak-ju clicked his tongue and shook my hand away.
Unsettling Summer
One day, Kang Gyu-ri came to me crying. She said that she stabbed her father. She cried and cried, saying that she stabbed her father with her own hands. Even though she always said harsh words to her mother and hit her, her father was still her father. Gyu-ri worried that what would happen if something went wrong.
Since I was living alone because my parents were often out on business trips, I let Gyuri, who had nowhere to go, live at my house.
Gyuri always wanted to go to heaven. She wanted to step into that savior's paradise. She wanted to find some peace by believing in God.
I loved Gyuri so much I could die. Every time she cried, my heart ached. I didn't believe in God, but I did believe in Gyuri. I trusted her blindly. Even if Gyuri tried to kill me, I was willing to die. And then Gyuri asked me, "I stabbed someone, so why are we still friends?" I couldn't answer properly. Because if I told you I loved you, it was a one-sided relationship, and I didn't know what would happen. So I just said it was pity. The pity of an old friend. To my god, how dare you."
Unsettling Summer
"Beomgyu, do you like summer?"
"why?"
Just out of curiosity. After school, I sat in the stands and asked Beomgyu.
"Hmm... I like it. Especially the summer sea."
"Why do you like the summer sea?"
Choi Beom-gyu closed his eyes for a moment, thought, and then spoke to me.
"Because I look like you."
"what?"
It wasn't even funny. How could I, who hates summer, resemble the summer sea?
“It’s just your vibe. Whether you hate summer or not.”
"Yeah, I see. You too."
You too are like summer. A cold, unsettling summer. A hot summer, unlike Choi Beom-gyu's frigid body temperature.
...
"You know, Gyuri."
"huh?"
"I like you. I like you a lot."
Choi Beom-gyu told me.
"uh..?"
Choi Beom-gyu will definitely pity me. He can't possibly love me.
"I don't believe in God, but I can believe in you. I have blind faith."
"You are my god," Choi Beom-gyu said softly. It felt strange to think that I, who longed for God's paradise, was Choi Beom-gyu's god.
"I would gladly sacrifice my whole body for you, to keep you from falling into the pit of hell."
Choi Beom-gyu's confession of love was a kind of monologue dedicated to God.
And I love my followers like that too.
"Yeah, me too, Beomgyu."
I hugged Choi Beom-gyu. It felt like the paradise I'd longed for was right here. Then, Choi Beom-gyu lifted me into his arms.
It was hot. I took off the uniform shirt I was wearing over my thin running shorts.
I thought I would never have a chance to flirt with someone I love in my life, but here I am, having fun. I was having fun.
"Daughter, you look so happy?"
"Why are you here..!"
Choi Beom-gyu hid behind me. Perhaps because of his height, I couldn't see clearly. Not even my father's face.
"You're our Gyuri's friend, right? Your name is... Choi Beomgyu. Choi Beomgyu... Right."
I could clearly see the corners of his mouth twisting upwards. Like a demon coming to attack God, like a demon coming to ruin God's followers.
"Gyuri. Kang Gyuri. We'll be seeing each other often from now on. Our Gyuri. This father missed Gyuri a lot, didn't he?"
"Get out. You look so good. Why are you here?"
"Our Gyuri, of course. After stabbing me, she sent her mother to prison."
I felt a sickening feeling in my stomach. I even felt nauseated. The thought of what I had done and what that person had done came flooding back, and I felt utterly reeling.
I tried to kill my father, and my father was violent towards his wife and children. If I were to ask God who was more at fault, wouldn't I be thrown into the depths of hell?
"Stop it. You can go today."
Choi Beom-gyu glared at his father, then grabbed my hand and ran away.
Unsettling Summer
"Beomgyu. What if our father harms you?"
I asked, biting my nails.
"Hey, no way." Beomgyu waved his hand and hugged me. "Don't worry about it," he said vaguely, "it'll be okay."
"It'll be okay, Gyuri."
Beomgyu kissed me on the lips. Very briefly.