We decided not to cross the line.

Episode 113. Late Regret

On such a bright autumn day,

standing in front of Julien’s grave

did not feel real.





A few months ago, at Miguel’s café,

we had sat across from each other and talked.

Hearing his voice over the phone was

just a little while ago.





And yet...

now...

I was standing before a tombstone engraved with his name.





I could hear Julien’s mother sobbing.

And even that sound gradually receded.

It felt as if, in the whole universe, only Julien’s tombstone and I

were left.





I felt nothing at all.

So I wasn’t sad.

The too-bright sunlight made my eyes ache,

and every time I closed them and opened them again, I felt my mind go dizzy.





It was hard to keep my balance.

I couldn’t tell whether

my body was staggering or

the ground was shaking.

And then my eyes closed.

My body...





thudded to the ground...

When I opened my eyes again,




I was lying on a sofa.




A white ceiling came into view.





For a moment, I couldn’t tell where I was.

Just as I was about to close my eyes again,





I heard Hoonji’s voice.

"Ms. Jeong-a, are you awake?




 Can you hear me?"




I opened my eyes again and looked around.

Hoonji, Julien’s mother, his father,





and a few people I didn’t know.




"Are you feeling a little better?"





Julien’s father asked.

I only looked at him




and didn’t feel like I needed to answer.

As Hoonji slowly helped me sit up,





she said,

"You briefly lost consciousness earlier.

 We came into the office because we needed a place to lay you down.





 Would you like some water?"



I nodded.

While Hoonji went to get water,

Julien’s mother knelt down in front of me.

And she took my hands in both of hers.





She said nothing.

When Hoonji came back with the water,





I said to him,





"I... want to get out of here."

"All right. Get up slowly.





 Take my arm. Here..."

I took Hoonji’s arm and stood up.





I walked along in the direction Hoonji led me.

Without even saying goodbye to Julien’s parents,

I followed Hoonji outside.






All I could think was that I wanted to get far away from here.

Julien’s father came after Hoonji





and said he would drive us to the airport.

As I rode to the airport in his car,

I thought back to the day I first met Julien




at Paris station.

The day we spent traveling together in Rouen for a day

flashed through my mind





like scenes from a movie.

And I remembered

coming out of the hotel where I was staying,




having dinner together,

and him kissing me.

His smile...





that beaming face...

I remembered it.





As memories of the time I spent with him in Paris came back to me,




only then did tears begin to well up.




'If I had come then... if I had... '

Even when I tried to hold them back, tears kept streaming down nonstop.

'I could have seen him one last time.





 I should have gone to the hotel..."," I should have stayed with him at the hospital...'  ",""What should I do for you..."