Now, I don't even have the strength to fight back. Having barely held on, I'm left with only self-loathing and helplessness. It's miserable. What have I been fighting and suffering for? Why didn't I realize sooner that I was just punching the air? My thoughts spiral into a spiral, and eventually, they bite me, leaving me tattered. It hurts. It hurts so much. But even if I ask for help, there's no return.
"Freedom? What do you expect from South Korean society?"
"......I know, I know that too."
You can hope for it.Until a few months ago, this was a thought deeply embedded in my heart. Trying to find a little breathing room in this stifling society was unacceptable. It was suffocating. I was proud of myself for having lived in this stifling country for 30 years, but at the same time, I couldn't help but feel a sense of futility at the thought of having to spend many more years like this.
At some point, the word "happiness" seemed to have been forgotten. How much happiness must there have been in life for people to have coined the term "small but certain happiness"? To hold on, even if only for a little while, rather than chasing the great happiness they vaguely imagined as children, they transformed the things they had taken for granted into happiness. Of course, living positively isn't bad, but I wanted to deny it because I thought that if we continued living like this, the people of the Republic of Korea 100 years from now wouldn't be able to hope for great happiness either.
How do they all get through each day? The more I dwell on these thoughts, the more I realize something's off. Am I the only one who can't be happy? Is my life so miserable? What's wrong with me that keeps me from being happy? In the end, the arrow circles around and hits me.
"When was the last time I went on vacation..."
I used to love traveling and had my own hobbies. There was a time when I fantasized about growing up and earning a lot of money so I could travel all day. But now, at 30, I can't even find the time to travel, let alone have some free time. If my lack of leisure was due to my own efforts, I couldn't stand it, so I decided to blame the world. And in fact, that's not entirely wrong.
After blaming this world for all my misfortune, I, insignificant as I am, yearned to change it. I thought it was possible, since everyone shared the same sentiment. But all I got back were cold responses. Everyone had surrendered to the natural order. Their knees were worn out, too worn to be lifted up.
"...This world sucks, and so does I."
Don't other people think like this? Is it just me? When I'm lost in these thoughts, I wonder if maybe I'm the one who's weird. Maybe I'm the only one who's broken the mold. Maybe I have a very pessimistic view of the world. But when people see a circle and call it a square, I know it's a circle, but I don't feel the need to insist it's a square to suit them. They'll eventually realize it's not a circle.
Because one day you will realize that this world is wrong.
In the meantimeI decided to hate this world.
END.