-Stop looking at me. My face is worn out.
-Are you awake?
When Jay, who had just woken up, opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Jungkook, his round eyes sparkling as if he had been staring at him for some time.
-Yeah. What time is it?
-It's a little past 2 p.m. Are you going to leave?
-I have to go. I slept too long.
-I'll give you a ride.
-disgust.
Jeongguk pouts for no reason at Jay's answer, which is more firm than expected.
-Let's eat. I have your favorite cereal.
-Oh! I should just eat cereal and go.
Jungkook heads to the kitchen, telling her to wash up while she smiles playfully.
After pouring coffee, I took out cereal and sweet soy milk and placed them on the table. Jay, with a clean face, sat down with a smile.
-thank you for this food!!
Jay pours cereal into soy milk and fills his mouth with it.
Jeongguk, who was chewing and munching on the round ball, was sweeping it away for no reason.
-It's hard to lose weight when you get older...I ate a whole bowl of that sweet stuff...I'm crazy...
Jay pouts and pats his belly.
-It's okay. I just wish my sister was able to roll around.
-It's noisy. Let's go. It's already 5 o'clock.
-I'll bring it to you. Just wait.
-I'm going to take a taxi. Don't come out.
He left his house, took a waiting taxi, and headed to his own house.
As I was arriving home, my phone rang in my pocket.
-hello.
[where are you?
-In the taxi. I'm almost home.
[Good. Let's have dinner together.
-where?
[At your house. I'm at your house now.
-okay.
How long do you think it will take?
-I'll be there in about 5 minutes.
[Okay. Okay.
Jay hung up the phone and stared at the name saved on his phone.
[Ex-husband Hyunjin]
What did you save it as before?
Your house, not my house.
I let out a small sigh and put my phone in my bag.
I got out of the taxi and looked up to see the lights on in the house.
As I opened the door and went in, the warmth and smell of food enveloped my body.
I shake my head slightly, trying to recall old memories.
- Are you here?
- Yeah. What's up? What's the food?
- I just went to the market and saw that your favorite dumpling place was open, so I bought some. I made some dumpling soup, so let's eat.
- Wow. Long time no see, this house!
- Are you only going to eat meat dumplings?
- Okay! I'll just wash my hands and come back.
Seokjin's lips slightly lifted as he watched Jay, who smiled faintly as if he was in a good mood.
- The kimchi dumplings at this restaurant are still spicy.
- Right. Is it because the kimchi is spicy? Kimchi dumplings aren't spicy elsewhere, but they are here. Is that why the meat dumplings taste better?
Seokjin speaks as he places a steaming bowl of dumplings and milky broth in front of Jay.
- As soon as I received it, I started researching dumplings.
- What do you mean by "simmering"? This way, the soup will absorb the deep flavor of the dumplings.
Jay responds as if he doesn't care about Seokjin's nagging while watching him haphazardly destroy the dumplings with a spoon.
- delicious!
- That's good. I boiled the broth separately and put the dumplings in the freezer.
- What are you doing? I don't even eat anything at home.
- You can eat it like this. Even so, it's only enough for two meals.
- Okay. Thank you.
Seokjin looks quite satisfied as he watches her eating well, making slurping sounds.
Jay, unable to beat Seokjin who offered to do the dishes after the meal, makes coffee with a moka pot next to him.
"Let's just do it here," Seokjin replied to Jay's suggestion to go to the sofa. He watched Seokjin, who hesitated for nearly five minutes, unable to speak, just fiddling with his coffee cup. Finally, Jay spoke first.
- What do you have to say? Think about it for so long. What do you have to say while feeding me?
- uh....
- Stop being so impatient. I know you're impatient.
Seokjin took a deep breath at Jay's non-holy fire and opened his mouth.
- Show me.
- uh?
Seokjin's words came out with great difficulty.
Jay feels like his heart is pounding.
I quickly tried to control my surprised heart and pulled away from my lips.
- when...?
Ah... I didn't want to drag out my words... I have to pretend nothing happened. I have to pretend I'm fine. I have to act like I heard something lighthearted. Seojae, come to your senses.
- On Sunday evening next week.
- Ah...you...got divorced...does your partner know?
- Yeah, that's what my mom said.
- Ah.. so that's what your mother did.. then you must be a good person.
- Well... I won't know until I meet you.
I told you it was okay... Seojei... Tell him to do well, Seojei...
- Yeah. Why Sunday? You have Saturday off too. Oh...isn't that your partner's day off?
- I have a seminar. I won't be home starting Monday.
- Oh... Are you coming on Saturday?
- Yeah. I'll arrive at night.
- But why are you talking with your head down like that?
- huh?
Jay speaks to Seokjin, who is talking with his head down and only looking at the coffee.
- That's good.
- what?
Seokjin raises his head and asks again at Jay's words that it went well.
- I have to start over.
- Jay...
This time, Jay lowers his head at the pitiful call.
- Tell me.
- what?
- Don't go. Don't look at the line. If you tell me not to, I won't. If you tell me not to go, I won't. So...
Seokjin's words made me feel like tears were about to well up in my eyes.
- Why did I...what did I say?
- Jay...just one word will do.
"No. I told you so many times. You told me to start over. That's okay. Our divorce was my fault, you didn't do anything wrong. You told me to be happy."
- Do you think I will be happy if I meet someone else?
- You don't know if you'll be happy or not. You might not meet him, but you might be okay with him. How can you be certain you won't be happy?
- There's no way I could be happy with someone else.
- Don't say that...
Seokjin decided to stop trying to say anything more at the sound of his wet voice, which sounded like it was about to burst into tears at any moment.
I know why he said that, but I still wanted Jay to catch him.
Please stay by my side, even if it's like this. If you just tell me that, I'll be like this for the rest of my life.
Of course, I didn't expect that he wouldn't say that, but I didn't think that it could hurt each other.
- Stop it. Look at the line. Dress nicely. Be neat and tidy.
- Phew...I'll go..
- Yeah. Bye. I won't go out.
After Seokjin left, Jay walked slowly.
I locked the door tightly, pulled the blanket over my head, and buried my head in the pillow, afraid that my cries might escape.
The sound of crying while holding back tears, shoulders shaking slightly even under the blanket,
After some time had passed and the crying had subsided, Jay came out after washing up.
I sat in bed and thought, unable to even lie down.
It's time to leave. I've been by your side too long. I've been too greedy, pretending nothing happened. I'm being punished... I'm being punished for something I shouldn't have done.
I want to be greedy. Please stay like this, don't meet anyone else, just stay by my side like you are now. I won't be happy, so don't be happy either. Let's just stay like this forever, neither happy nor unhappy.
It continued even after the divorce. For two years, there was hardly a day that we didn't see each other.
Even on days when we didn't see each other, when we were out on business trips or busy with work and couldn't come home, the person who had time would buy lunch or something.
We quietly celebrated each other's birthdays, and when it rained, we drank makgeolli together. When the weather got chilly, we had warm jeongjong, and when it was hot, we had cold beer.
We were never meant to be friends, but that's how we lived.
But now it's clear that it won't happen.
I told you to be happy, but I actually stopped you from being happy.
I don't deserve it, but you don't.