The reason I held on to you, even though I didn't know when you'd leave me. Simply because I loved you. Because I loved you so much. You weren't good at using forceful words, and you didn't even realize you were cute, but you were so affectionate. A person I loved dearly.
A person whose smile was so wonderful. A person whose ending was a disaster, but who, when I reminisce about it, makes me so happy. A person who gave me so many beautiful memories.
You stopped contacting me for no apparent reason, and I was late in responding. I felt like I was the only one in love. But the reason I didn't break up was because I loved you too much. I should have thought you were a bad person and let you go, but I loved you so much that I couldn't. And then the day I broke up with you in tears. It was past 11 PM, and I vividly remember myself alone in a dark room, looking at my phone, covering my mouth and shedding tears.
I loved you so much, but I didn't know why you did that. We loved each other more than anyone else. You loved me. I loved you. We celebrated Christmas and New Year's Day 2020 together. Even though we couldn't meet, I loved just being in touch. So why did you leave?
You made me even more miserable, telling me all the way to the end that I was pretty and would meet a good person, things that stung so much. That was our heartbreaking breakup. I don't know if you were hurt, but when I woke up, I cried so much I could almost turn into a carp. I wondered if you'd call me so affectionately when I turned on my phone.
But I was a fool to expect a call. You and I were lovers who broke up yesterday. I'm sorry, I held onto vain hopes and expectations for you. It seems like this breakup was painful only for me.
Just a month after breaking up with you, I fell in love again. My resolve to never love again was shattered, and I fell deeply in love with someone new. I wondered if I'd ever forget you like that. But then, while organizing my gallery, I found traces of you. I just missed those days, so I sent a message to your email asking if I wanted to see you, and then I slowly began to forget you.
It was a crisp, blue day in mid-June, half a year after we'd parted ways. I was playing a game and chatting with my friends on voice chat with the Esc alarm, when I lowered the window slightly to check. After checking, I was speechless. It was you, the one I'd missed so much, the one I loved. The first emotion I felt when I first saw the alarm was anger. It wasn't just one or two things that had built up.
After finishing up the game with my friends and chatting a little more with you on Escrow, you suddenly noticed me. Chatting again on the app we used to communicate on before was so heartbreaking. I was almost shaken by Escrow's words about how difficult it was for him at the time and how sorry I was. It made me wonder if I really loved you that much.
No. I was right in loving you that much.
But I immediately focused on my current lover. But at school, my concentration waned, and in my workbook, instead of just doodles, I wrote down your name, your nickname, and even what I wanted to say. I thought about you until it became so dense that I erased it all, and you realized we were already strangers. You didn't even know I had a new partner, and you knew my partner had even contacted an ex.
It was so complicated back then. And I felt lost. And I missed you, too. I'd already admitted to being shaken by your contact the day before. Everything felt like a novel, and I was bewildered by the fanfiction and novel-like events unfolding before me, and nothing happened except tears. We followed each other again, and we hung out on each other's posts, and we had a slightly happier time like before. A brief sense of self-loathing also made me sad.
But I was afraid to love you again. I chose the safe path I took now over you, and I was grateful that you said it would be your last. I told you I loved you and that I couldn't tell you that I had a partner. Then, your congratulations sounded a little lonely. Only then did I realize. You really did love me, too.
Meeting you again soon leads to another parting. Contacting you again soon leads to my tears again. Memories of you remain, a pile of ash blown by the wind. The memories of you, returning to love, are now happiness and a deep-rooted tree.
I am a weak and delicate flower trying to forget you.
This article is my last gift to you.
My handwriting has really died down while I was resting. It wasn't that bad to begin with, lol. I'll try to get back to basics and work hard from now on. ๐ Always draw, my dears, my Monggles.
D-44