I dare not speak of
feelings beyond words
that came to you..
And all because of the person you loved most.
And even so, would you still love me?
Even though I made it so that you had to give up your dream
..?
And why didn’t you say anything..
Well... the reason you’d struggle so much is me, so
you probably couldn’t tell me...
The words, I’m sorry to you
might make your sadness come back so
I’m too afraid to say them.
That doesn’t mean I have the right to call you and talk, either.
I no longer have the right to be anything to you.
And yet you loved me...
What a fool...
I’m the one who blocked your path,
so why are you still loving me...
I know how
painful it is to give up a dream,
so I think Sanghyuk’s pain hit me even harder.
I had to give up my dream, too.
Since I was little, I wanted to be an illustrator, but
because of my family circumstances and financial problems,
I had to give it up as soon as I entered middle school.
Well, you probably can’t even imagine what a grade-school kid would do
to chase just one dream, but I really spent every moment
except for mealtimes and
sleeping drawing like crazy.
I did even more on weekends.
I even skipped meals
because I was just drawing, trying to get into an arts middle school.
But all the effort I’d put in until then
was washed away in an instant.
When I opened my eyes, my parents had left home without a word, and
we weren’t poor, but we weren’t exactly well-off either.
And people around me whispered that art and sports were
just for rich kids.
I knew it too.
That the moment had come when I had to give up my dream.
But I wanted to avoid it.
I thought if I was good enough, I could prove it.
So I worked even harder, desperately.
The result was getting into the arts middle school.
It was the result of all my efforts up to then.
But money got in my way.
A year at an arts middle school cost at least several million won.
At the time, Oppa was a minor, and
there was no one around who would
support my dream to that extent.
In the end, I gave up the arts middle school and
entered the regular middle school I go to now.
Even now, just thinking about that time hurts.
How much I worked...
and even the result was a success...
Back then I was so miserable that a first-year middle schooler
went all the way to the front of the Han River.
I had no idea what I’d do with my life then, and
more than anything, there was no one around who believed in me. Those people
didn’t support me because I wasn’t good enough to prove myself to them,
I thought.
Sanghyuk was someone who felt emotions similar to mine, so
I felt so sorry that my feelings from back then were reaching you.
Because I was truly struggling then.
Ding-
“Doa-yaㅎ, did you get home okay? What are you doing now?”
What a fool...
I felt sorry even for contacting you.Because I don’t think I’ll be able to
see you with a smiling face anymore.
And yet you, not wanting me to worry would force a smile anyway..
You’re always like that...
Whenever I was having a hard time, you were the first to stay by my side,
and you became my driving force, but
you never leaned on me even once.
I feel like I could never become anything to you..
like I was nothing more than an obstacle blocking your path..
And now I can’t be anything of yours at all.
I stared at the fact that Sanghyuk had contacted me for a long time.
I still love you so much..
More than I can put into words.
If I hadn’t loved you
my universe would have collapsed, but
because I loved you,
your other universe collapsed too.
So even if my own universe falls apart,
I want to wish for your happiness.
That seems like the least I can do
as my minimum decency and attitude toward you.
Sanghyuk, your universe will, of course,
be more beautiful without me.
And you’ll shine even brighter.
I love you so much..
Even at this moment, when you might be cursing me.
I'd rather you curse me..
Ask me why I did that back then..
Why I didn’t go straight to that precious 100 days,
and why I was listening to Kim Woonhak.
I finally tapped at the phone I’d been staring at in silence.
“Mm..ㅎ, I got home okay“
”Sanghyuk... you’ll live better if I’m not there.
Sanghyuk, I love you so much. Truly.“
That was the last thing I sent you.
After that, I turned off my phone.
Because I had no right to see the words that came after.
