After that happened, I avoided Hamin. I couldn’t bring myself to look him straight in the face.
On Sundays, I barely came out of my room. Even if I got thirsty, I held out while Hamin was in the living room, and even when I ate, I avoided making eye contact as much as possible.
Hamin wandered around in front of my door a few times, but he didn’t say anything.
At last, Monday morning arrived. I left the house twenty minutes earlier than usual.
Mom was surprised to see me heading to school so quickly, and I casually brushed it off by saying I had a performance assessment. Of course, it was a lie.
Only after I’d made it to my classroom did I finally feel at ease. At least we wouldn’t run into each other at school.
That thought was shattered before lunchtime even came.
During break, I stepped out of the classroom to get some water and spotted Hamin coming up the stairs. For a second, it seemed like Hamin saw me too.
Why is a first-year coming up to the second-year floor? Don’t tell me he’s looking for me?!
I immediately went back into the classroom and hid under my desk. My friends looked at me strangely, but I didn’t care.
Hamin seemed to be standing in front of our classroom. His face, visible between the desks and my friends’ legs, looked more tense than usual.
Before long, when Hamin left, only then did I finally slump back into my chair and sprawl over the desk. A long 숨, a breath I’d been holding, burst out.
“Why are you avoiding Hamin?”
Startled, I looked up, and Yejun, sitting in the seat in front, was looking down at me.
“Ah, well. Just because.”
“Did you two fight?”
“I sort of did something wrong.”
“What wrong thing?”
“There is one, that kind of thing.”
I brushed it off clumsily, and Yejun, seeming to understand, changed the subject. He went on and on, but none of it reached my ears.
No, why is he coming all the way here? Is he crazy? My heart pounded at the shock. Come to think of it, I couldn’t even drink water and just came back! While I was pouting inwardly, a big palm waved back and forth in front of me.
“W-what?”
“Jang Yeju.”
“Huh?”
“So, are you going or not?”
Yejun laughed like it was ridiculous.
“You’re not paying attention, are you?”
“Ah, that…”
“I just asked if you want to go to the tteokbokki place today.”
“Oh.”
Tteokbokki place.
It was the place Yejun had said we should go together next time on the way home last week.
I hesitated for a moment, then thought of Hamin, who might be waiting at the front gate.
“Let’s go.”
“Okay, then let’s head out together later.”
Yejun grinned and turned forward, and just then the bell rang.
I pulled a book from my desk drawer and looked out the window.
Across the playground, I could see the first-year building.
*
As soon as homeroom ended, I hurriedly packed my bag and dragged Yejun by the arm.
“Let’s go out the back gate.”
“Ah, right. It was close to the back gate, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah. I’m hungry. Let’s hurry.”
Yejun followed me without suspecting anything. Even on the way, we chatted about trivial things, but I couldn’t let my guard down just because our route was different. Since I was walking while watching the surroundings, Yejun only glanced at me weirdly from time to time and didn’t say anything else.
Only after we came out the back gate did I look back once, and of course Hamin wasn’t there.
Only then did I feel relieved and get even hungrier. Inside the tteokbokki place we rushed to, there were already quite a lot of students from our school. After we got a seat, we immediately ordered tteokbokki and fried snacks. Seeing Yejun hand over his card, after payment was done I smiled at him.
“Oh, seriously? You’re actually paying?”
“I promised, didn’t I?”
Yejun, seated across from me, was exactly the same as before.
He kept making me laugh with nothing comments, and naturally took the fish cake I didn’t like onto his own plate. It had been a long time since the two of us ate together, but it didn’t feel awkward.
It was fun. Just being at such an unawkward place after so long felt pretty nice.
“But Hamin’s really popular.”
My hand, which had been picking up tteokbokki, stopped.
“Why are you suddenly talking about him?”
“When he came up to the second-year floor earlier, all the kids were looking at him.”
“Really?”
“Wasn’t he coming to look for you?”
“No, he wasn’t.”
Should I have asked him to come with us today? At those words, I kept saying no no and went back to eating the tteokbokki.
Seeing me like that, Yejun laughed.
“Eat slowly.”
“It’s not spicy.”
“You got some on your mouth.”
I reached out to grab a tissue, but Yejun’s hand got there first.
Yejun lightly wiped the corner of my mouth with the tissue.
My stiff body instinctively pulled back. Yejun’s hand paused in the air for a moment.
“No, I can wipe it myself. Thanks.”
I took a tissue and rubbed around my mouth myself. Yejun just smiled softly.
If this had been two years ago, it would have been something I’d keep thinking about even after going home. I’d have worried about what he was thinking, and maybe hoped he liked me again—something that meaningful.
It should definitely have made my heart flutter, but instead it felt rather burdensome… and uncomfortable.
Was it because of Hamin that skinship with guys felt a little burdensome now?
Yejun moved on to the next topic without saying anything else. Gentle guy. A good guy. That’s why I used to like him.
While we were having those pointless conversations, my mind was getting pretty complicated.
What I used to think of as a date, something I’d be happy about and read meaning into, was ending like that.
*
When I got home, no one was in the living room. Ah, did Mom and Dad both say they were working overtime today?
I took off my shoes and went inside, and the bathroom door across from me opened.
Out with the steam came Hamin, looking like he had just finished washing up. Droplets were falling from the ends of his wet hair, and because of the humidity, the short-sleeved T-shirt he was wearing clung a little to his body. Hamin dried his hair with a towel and looked at me, who had just come in.
“You’re late.”
“Ah, yeah. Because of a… plan..”
Aren’t you embarrassed?! When I jerked my head away, Hamin didn’t ask further. He just headed toward the refrigerator with the towel draped around his neck.
The thin T-shirt clung to the back of his wet neck. Even while he was taking out water and drinking it, drops from his hair slid down along his jawline.
My heart suddenly started beating faster.
Even a little while ago, when Yejun wiped the corner of my mouth, my heart had been quiet.
The heart that should have been beating was pounding in the wrong place, not where I expected.
As Hamin closed the refrigerator door, he looked back at me.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“I wasn’t looking.”
“You’re going to make me misunderstand.”
Avoiding his eyes, I crossed the living room, and Hamin’s voice came from behind me. Even though he didn’t ask about what happened today anymore, I could instinctively tell there was some feeling in his tone.
He wasn’t saying it outright, but he knew I’d gone out with Yejun. And right now, he was jealous.
“Tomorrow, go together with me.”
“Yeah.”
I answered on reflex, then stopped walking. When I hesitantly turned my gaze and looked back, Hamin was holding a water bottle and looking at me.
The corners of his mouth lifted just a little. My heart thumped hard again at that face. It felt like I was meeting his eyes for the first time in a long while.
“I’m going in.”
“Yeah. Sleep well, noona.”
Hamin gave me a light goodnight. Maybe because tomorrow was already set, there was no pressure at all.
Even so, I felt as if my insides were being pressed down, and my heart was pounding like it would burst.
Even after I closed my bedroom door, and even after I came back from washing up and lay down on my bed, my heart didn’t easily calm down.
It was a strange night.
*
The next morning.
I regretted agreeing to go to school with Hamin the moment I stepped out the front door. For some reason, I kept being preoccupied with Hamin.
At first, I’d been worried someone might see the two of us leaving together. But now, it was just Yu Hamin beside me. The existence of him itself was what bothered me.
Whenever it seemed like our arms might brush, I’d unnecessarily adjust my bag again and lift my shoulders to put space between us, and whenever Hamin looked my way, I’d pretend to be looking at the scenery, the traffic light, or a passing car.
Hamin only glanced at me like that and said nothing.
Even without much conversation, it was a hectic walk to school.
Toward the end of lunchtime, while I was heading back to class, I heard the sound of a ball bouncing from the playground side.
It looked like first-year boys were gathered on the court, preparing for the basketball match for Sports Day.
“Looks like the first-years are getting ready for their Sports Day game.”
“Yeah.”
Among them, Hamin stood out even from far away.
He was tall, and his movements were quick too. The moment he got the ball, he dodged the defense and went under the hoop, then jumped and tossed it lightly.
The ball went straight into the basket.
The students gathered around the court shouted.
Hamin grinned, slapped hands with a friend, and took the ball again.
He’s good.
There were lots of girls watching too. Every time Hamin moved, their eyes followed him.
I was one of them too.
Hamin jumped for a shot outside the hoop.
The moment he leapt high, his T-shirt rode up. His firm stomach flashed briefly.
I immediately turned my head away.
Hamin, wearing that T-shirt glued to his wet hair yesterday, came to mind.
Why am I thinking about that now?!
I shook my head and went back to the classroom with my friends.
*
Even until school let out, my mind stayed tangled. Because I kept, kept thinking about Hamin.
No, I mean, it wasn’t like it was the first time I’d seen a guy’s body… okay, it was the first time! But still, there shouldn’t be a reason to care this much… there isn’t. There shouldn’t be.
I slowly made my way toward the front gate, and as always, Hamin was waiting in front of it. I stood beside him as if nothing was wrong.
“Let’s go.”
On the way home, Hamin walked as usual.
I couldn’t walk as usual.
Even if we got a little closer, it felt like our arms would touch. The more I tried not to think about the scene I’d seen at the playground earlier, the clearer it became.
Ah, damn it. Did my face turn red? What if he thinks I’m a pervert? Just as I was squeezing my eyes shut, a voice came from beside me.
“Noona.”
“Huh?! Wh-what.”
“Why are you so quiet today?”
“It’s not because of me, right?! I don’t even talk that much, so….”
“Hmm.”
I was flustered, and my voice went up an octave. Did my face turn red? I jerked my head away so he couldn’t see my expression. Hamin only made a puzzled sound from the side.
Ack! Those abs keep popping into my head! And on top of that, I remembered how I’d fallen onto that chest, over those abs, over the weekend, and before long I was even imagining the feel of it. My brain was out of control. Was I really this ugly of a pervert…. Was this because I’d seen someone close’s body?
While I was blaming myself and walking, my arm was suddenly yanked back with tremendous force.
My body swayed straight toward Hamin and then ended up looking like I was being pulled into his arms. Th-this happened on the weekend too, didn’t it….
Before I could even finish that thought, a car sped past right in front of us.
“Gasp.”
I sucked in a startled breath and looked up; the pedestrian signal was still red.
Hamin was frowning, holding onto my arm.
“Why are you so out of it, you idiot noona.”
Hamin looked down at me for a while. Thump, thump. I could hear his heartbeat from his solid chest.
Could he hear my heart too? No, what am I doing! Startled, I jerked my body back and out of Hamin’s arms.
“Ah… s-sorry.”
“It’s fine. Let’s go.”
The light turned green, but he still didn’t let go of the hand he was holding.
Hamin pulled on my arm and stepped into the crosswalk first.
I was dragged along without a word.
Only after we crossed the road did Hamin let go.
The spot where I’d been grabbed felt strangely hot.
I rubbed that place with my hand. So, this is… the same as then.
Hamin walked half a step ahead, and I again stood slightly behind, walking while looking at the back of his head.
It feels exactly the same as then.
The same feeling I had… back when I liked Yejun…
I felt the same feeling.
Only the person it was directed at had completely changed.
