[5]
Stage rehearsal begins. I appear at the center of the stage, bathed in bright lights. Wearing a pure white one-piece dress, I shine beautifully. Unlike Jungkook, I sing a love song with a sweet voice. Not long after rehearsal begins, BTS sits in the audience, watching my performance. Jungkook is also there.
"Please turn up the microphone volume."
"Are you okay now?"
"Ah. Yes. This should be enough."
Taehyung and Jimin gave him a thumbs up for his skillful rehearsal, but Jungkook's face was somehow gloomy. My heart felt heavy for no reason.
"Thank you for your hard work during the rehearsal."
"Thank you for your hard work, Mr. Ham."
Before returning to the waiting room after rehearsal, I greeted my BTS seniors. While we may be close in private, we had to be respectful in public.
"Let's go in first."
"Ham, wait."
Jungkook called me. I could hear him clearly, but there were too many people around. I felt like I'd burst into tears again if I looked into his eyes, so I pretended not to hear and walked into the waiting room. I felt Jungkook following me. Not long after I closed the door and entered, he walked into my waiting room.
"Why don't you just go?"
"..."
"What did I do wrong, Ham?"
I know. I didn't mean any harm to Jungkook. He's just as busy and has a demanding schedule as I am. That's why I couldn't act like a spoiled brat. That's why I had to laugh.
"No. What did Jungkook do wrong? There were too many people there. It would be embarrassing if it got out. Between us."
"lie."
"..."
"You're lying, Ham."
I wanted to tell the truth. Me too. But I didn't want to be a burden to Jungkook.
"What are you talking about? That."
"You said you cried."
"..."
How did Jungkook know about this? Did Yoongi tell him I cried? Was that why he was so depressed? If so, I've already made him nervous. I've confused him, who's already busy with his own work.
"Sorry."
"What? What are you sorry about?"
"I'm so sorry, Jungkook."
"What's wrong, Ham? I'm feeling uneasy."
I felt sorry for Jungkook. Even in this moment, Jungkook was still embracing me, his face looking anxious. I felt like I couldn't be a source of happiness for you, even at this very moment.
"Jungkook. I feel like I'm not of much help to you."
"..."
"I'll keep getting jealous of your little actions, I won't be able to laugh at you, I'll be sensitive, and eventually I'll get tired of you and start confusing you with ambiguous actions."
I love Jungkook. Now, I see him not as a fan, but as a person. That's why I become greedy and unhealthy. That's what makes Jungkook suffer.
"Let's stop. Us."
"Ham, what does that mean? Let's stop."
Even though he'd already noticed, Jungkook forced a smile and tried to maintain his usual mood. "It'll be okay. You have many people who love you. Just shine among them like you are now, Jungkook."
"I'm so tired, Jungkook."
I can't love you enough. It's so tiring. I'll take all the pain alone. I'll take all the darkness alone. So just smile. Stay as bright as you were before you met me. Those two words were all I could say in that short time. I tried to pass by Jungkook, knowing he wouldn't fully understand my feelings.
"Don't go, Ham."
Jungkook grabbed me. I felt like tears were about to fall, but I couldn't show it. I knew how much effort Jungkook had put in to get to where he was, and I didn't want to make him give up. I shook his hand away and left the waiting room, knowing full well that Jungkook wouldn't be able to hold me back once I left.
"Ham."
"...Yoongi."
"Why are you crying again?"
Why, when I took off my mask, when I showed my true face, was it Yoongi standing there? Yoongi's eyes gleamed visibly as he watched me. I didn't want to show my weakness and worry him. I wiped away my tears with my hand, but they quickly flowed down my cheeks. This was the worst. I heard the waiting room door open behind me. Yoongi hugged me at the same time, making sure Jungkook wouldn't see me.
"Just say it."
"..."
"I like Min Yoongi more than I do."
Just say it, Ham. Jungkook's cold voice stabbed my burning insides. No. I like you, Jeon Jungkook. I like you too much. I'm afraid it's overflowing and making you suffer. You.
"Min Yoongi. Don't make Ham hurt. I made him cry, but you make him smile."
When I turned my head, there was Jungkook's back. Jungkook's lonely back, fading away.