♬ BTS - I'M FINE
To. Me
How are you feeling today?
“....um, well”
Knock_knock,Amidst the sound of the metal balls swinging, the man in front opened his mouth.
How are you doing these days?
"......no"
My friend disappeared. Oh, this hasn't happened in two years, except for the first time. Today, the weather was so dark it felt like night, and I was thinking of you even more.
High school senior.When everyone was wandering, I... Everything except the time I spent with you was incomplete.
He was the kind of person who, if pushed lightly, would fall helplessly off a cliff.
‘Hey, lady! Nosebleed!’
Are you okay? Shouldn't you go to the infirmary? It hurt so much that I wasn't even surprised by a nosebleed. It was always the other person, not me, who was surprised by my nosebleed.
"It's okay. I'll be back."
It hurt. I couldn't say it. I hated that one word so much, but the phrase "It's okay" that had become a habit of mine hurt me even more. Just saying "It's okay" made me cry and feel miserable.
What difference does it make if I say it? The female protagonist wiped her nose and headed to the infirmary. She looked at her watch as she wiped her nose. I thought the day was almost over, but it was now 7:40 AM. Today had been a cowardly, long day.bang_,When the coffee touched the school uniform and made a sound, it cried out as if it was a signal flare.
“I, really.....”
It's hard. I want to grab someone and talk to them, but I can't, so all I can say is, "I'm okay." In the end, in that short time, I clutched the blood on my hands and realized: I'm a person on the edge of a cliff, lying.
Everything was difficult. I repeated the same thing: home, school, and the study room. Despite all that, my grades were so poor that I had nowhere to turn. Would I be able to go to college? What if I couldn't? What if everyone else was going and I was the only one falling behind?
"This is driving me crazy. This is the worst."
It was the worst I could have imagined. After all these thoughts, I'd come home only to find the adults tormenting me even more.
Are you studying?
"....huh"
I knew exactly what he was going to say.
‘But if my grades are like this, what about college…’
Okay, that's enough. Study.
Ah- I wonder if it would have been okay if I had just come straight into the room.bang_At some point, I started to feel uncomfortable spending time with my parents. That resigned tone of voice. I hated hearing that. So, I built a thick wall around my parents called "visiting."
Where on earth should I be if even my home is uncomfortable? I wish someone would wake me up.
"mom!"
"My daughter! Hey, did you have fun today?"
"yes!"
No, I wish you'd hug me. Like back then.
Black Room I spent another long night with thin earphones on.
“......”
Today, a new friend came to me...
I half-asleep and half-awake, listening to the teacher's words. I was so sleepy I couldn't hear him, but I knew a transfer student had arrived.
“....”
And when I opened my eyes, I was faced with an empty classroom. Oh, so the transfer student was a dream? I rubbed my eyes and sat up, and my eyes met yours, smiling.
“.......?”
Who are you? Wasn't it a dream that you were a transfer student?
‘..........’
'Hello, my name is....'
Jeon Jungkook. The moment I heard his name, my heart raced. He was such a sweetheart. His smile.
I've never seen someone so beautiful when they smile. Just one glance told me that the child had been raised with love.
“............It wasn’t a dream.”
Hello. Let's get along well.
A bright smile came to me too.
You, whom I've known for a month, were a good person. Your favorite things were animated movies, candy, and cup tteokbokki. Similar to what I liked in elementary school. You were a similar child to me. Unlike me, you were a bright child.
A child who is very generous and can cover the eyes with his hand if it is bright and go with you to separate the trash.
"thank you."
‘While we’re on the first floor, do you want to go to the store?’
"I'll shoot! Let's go!"
Our tastes in food were similar. We always had two banana milks in our hands as we walked to the cafeteria. We sat on the cold stone steps leading down to the playground and talked. Sometimes, I poured out my heart. I thought it would be nice to tell you everything about me.
"Are you okay? You must have wanted to cry a lot."
".....huh"
I wiped away the tears that were about to fall and changed the subject. You, you, are you not worried about anything?
‘I... um, math is so hard.’
"what?"
‘Really~, I really don’t want to do this.’
I really liked the way you smiled and spoke playfully. I felt comfortable when you made me laugh, even if only for a moment.
“Huh? What? Are you a coward too?”
"Yeah. Starting this month."
“Good. How about banana milk for dinner later?”
'call!'
Chororo_
“I think I’ll live.”
How nice it would be if everything were like this.
I know.I opened my mouth as the sky began to darken into a purple hue.
“.....The ground is really cold. I guess winter is almost here.”
"Yeah. It's still short, and the sun has already set. It's only 6 o'clock."
“....you know,”
I feel like I've changed a lot since I met you.
'suddenly?'
"Yeah. I was really depressed. But not anymore. I'm glad you're here."
So don't go anywhere. Let's drink milk together like this every day, even when we're 100 or 200.
It was a far-fetched idea that I would never have done under normal circumstances, but I wanted to catch clouds with you.
As if trying to escape from reality even a little.
I'm fine
Let's be friends for life
“No promises to break~”
“Let’s go to college together.”
.
.
.
“Oh, since we’re talking about college, I’m curious. What is your dream?”
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard of it before.”
I am a pianist
“Wow! So you’re good at playing the piano?”
‘Um... maybe?’
“Then come here.”
I took Jeongguk's hand and went straight into the old music room.
Bam-
‘There are two music rooms?’
"Yeah. I heard this was originally a music room, but the instruments were rusting, so they moved them all here."
"Good. Here."
“Yeah, before you transferred schools, you always drank milk here alone.”
“Okay! Enough with the small talk, shall we take a look at Jeongguk’s piano skills~?”
Jungkook, playing the piano, looked prettier than anyone else. Just looking at his hands playing the piano was so pleasing. He really does love the piano.
“I used to play the piano too.”
What? Really?
"Yeah, six years? But... I quit English classes when I started middle school, so I had no choice but to quit."
‘You didn’t want to play the piano?’
"I wanted to try it. What can I do? It costs a lot of money to take an English or piano academy."
I always tried to think from my mother's perspective. She told me to just tell her if I wanted to, but then I found out that piano lessons, which I hadn't seen since elementary school, cost over 300,000 won.
'are you okay?'
Jungkook was always like that. He worried about me whenever I was even slightly depressed or quiet, asking if I was okay.
"Yeah, it's okay. It was really hard back then, but now... it's not so bad."
“But why do you look more depressed than me?”
I touched Jeongguk's hair, who was looking very depressed.
‘It’s a crying thing to not be able to do what you want to do.’
"........that's right"
So, please keep playing the piano.
“...Oh, then do you happen to know the song called ‘People are Flowers’?”
'huh!'
"Wow, how do you know? Even my piano teacher doesn't know that song."
I overheard it by accident, but I liked it so much.
“Right! That’s really good!”
That day, I endured the darkness for the first time.
The words "It's okay" were also true because I was with you. It wasn't a lie. If I were alone, I would have been so depressed I couldn't even speak.
“Wait. I’ll get some advice and then I’ll be out.”
Don't worry. I'll wait.
It was three months after the day he went to the music room that he disappeared.
"You seem bright and cheerful these days. Do you have any close friends in class?"
"Yes, Jeongguk. We were partners, so we talked a lot, and we seemed to have a lot in common."
‘Jungkook?’
There's no kid like that in our class.
thud_
"yes?"
"Huh? Don't be silly. I was just talking to you. You even said you'd wait until the consultation was over."
‘.....Hey, there really isn’t anyone like that in our class.’
“........You transferred here. Since no one transferred in the third year, everyone would know, right?”
"Hey, heroine. Are you okay?"
“No way....”
“Really, this is ridiculous.”
The teacher's eyes seemed to speak the truth.
It's not okay. It's not okay. Now, without Jungkook, I, I... A person without Jungkook? What do you mean, I,
Suddenly_
‘Hey, lady!’
Drumroll_
“Teacher, look here! Here,...uh.”
Jungkook disappeared. Jungkook, who was always by my side, suddenly disappeared. He clearly said he'd wait for me.
Knock_ knock_,
Knock knock,
“Have you seen Jeongguk here by any chance?”
‘Jungkook? Who is he?’
‘Hey lady!!’
Knock, knock
“That’s nonsense.”
Ddallang_
“Ma’am! Have you seen the tall boy here? He’s the guy who always comes here with me!”
"Every day? You always come alone. Have you ever been with a boy?"
"..........yes?"
What, what about Jungkook? I'm sure we talked before going to the teacher's office, and I even remember Jungkook's expression.
thud_
"Hey, are you okay? Your knees are all scraped up."
“I’m not okay. I’m not okay, I’m not okay.”
“You always come here with Jungkook!!!! He’s tall and he always buys two banana milks, right....”
Yes? Why, why do you always do this to me? Why do you always look at me like that, as if Jungkook is a liar?
I cried my heart out. That was all I could remember. I cried so hard that the store I always went to with Jungkook would leave. Crying didn't change anything. There was no one who remembered Jungkook in the first place.
“Oh, Mom. Mom... Mom... Jungkook is gone. What should I do? How am I supposed to live then... huh?”
"Me, me, please find Jungkook. The kids all say he's a stranger, the teacher says there's no transfer student in the first place, and the music room is warm. Why are you all lying to me? Why are you all lying to me?"
"Hey, let's go to the hospital with Mom. Okay?"
When I asked my mom to find Jeongguk, she finally patted my arm affectionately and said,
Mom's eyes looked sadder than anyone else's. I couldn't say anything after that. Mom looked really sad. It was the first time I'd seen that expression in all the years I've lived with her.
.
.
.
"It's a hallucination caused by stress. People often say it's schizophrenia."
“............”
‘Ah,....ah, what should we do with our heroine? Ah, ah.....’
"............hallucination?"
The result was disastrous. Jungkook, Jungkook was the friend I'd made. All I could do was pat my mother's back as she cried, hugging me. There was nothing I could do now.
“It’s schizophrenia.”
'yes'
“Can’t we just leave it alone?”
'toothAre you saying you will leave it without finishing it?’
"....Yes. I really am."
I was happy.It was so bad I was starting to wonder if this was a dream. I've been able to survive this far thanks to that kid. How could it not be? All I could do now was cry, admitting that Jungkook was the person I created. After I admitted it, everything felt foreign.
When I was young, the things I liked were animation, candy, cup tteokbokki, songs that no one else knew but the two of us knew, and I also liked the piano. When I think about it, even my way of speaking was similar to my elementary school self.
Jjuya!
"yes?"
‘Aren’t you worried?’
“I’m sorry…Math is hard these days! Seriously!”
And as I pondered my thoughts, the face I saw was
‘Hey, would you like to eat this?’
I saw you as a child. There was you in my memories, smiling so brightly.
‘Hey, would you like some banana milk later?’
In the end, you were the person who was on the other side of my memories.
It was another me with the face of the person I loved most during the time I loved most.
.
.
.
How are you these days?
“Um...it’s okay.”
The promise to be friends until we were 100 or 200 years old could not be fulfilled. However,
“Now, it’s really okay.”
Maybe you were the salvation that came to heal my pain?Because you were my everything, so much so that no words could ever be enough.
The last thing I want to say to you is...
I'm okay now. You? Are you okay now too?
I hope you're okay too. Thank you for coming to me.
IM____________FINE._
AND YOU?
ㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡㅡ
Actually, I think I've been thinking a lot about myself while writing this. Just as everyone says they're okay, even though they're not, I'm not okay either. Everyone is just enduring it.
Actually, I'm a senior in high school, so I wrote down some of my worries, but I'm not sure if I wrote it well...😢 The female protagonist feels helpless in life and ends up imagining her younger self, whom she longed for so much. The name and face of Jungkook were also from a friend she liked at the time, and she even imagines Jungkook's personality to be the same as her own when she was younger. In the end, she refuses treatment because she wants to see Jungkook for a long time, but in the end, she realizes that Jungkook is her old self and receives treatment to get better on her own. And it ends with her asking herself if she's okay.
I hope everyone who reads this gets better.
I hope you are okay.