I still don't really know.
In the process of becoming an adult,
what am I missing,
what am I expecting.
Breathing in the cold air beneath the dawn sky,
I thought I was dreaming,
I thought I was dreaming of adulthood.
The stars shine just as brightly as when I
thought I was dreaming
but unlike that light
there was no dream, no romance inside me.
Things I had already thrown away long ago.
Before becoming an adult,
I thought about too many things.
Maybe that's why?
My heart beats annoyingly fast,
and the thoughts in my head tangle together and hurt.
Is this the process of becoming an adult,
or is it the process of me tormenting myself.
I can't tell the difference at all.
What on earth is this pain.
If I don't know the answer to this question,
what I missed,
what I'm expecting
I can't know.
Maybe it's after the pain from back then.
When the person I loved turned their back on me,
when I found out about a close friend's betrayal.
The feeling of my heart slowly freezing over.
That feeling is scary, frightening,
so I just get tired of everything.
This pain born from my tangled thoughts right now
is similar to that from back then.
No, maybe it's the same.
Because I still can't accept this kind of pain,
I am still an incomplete person,
still someone who hurts a lot,
and someone who's gotten very tangled up.
I still don't know.
Whether I want to be a perfect person,
whether I want to be an adult,
whether I'm longing for the things I threw away long ago,
or whether I want to put an end to this pain.
And maybe, just a little,
it might be okay to stay as I am now,
someone who hurts and longs because they think too much.
Before becoming an adult,
wait a moment. Just for a moment.
This moment when I can look at myself as I am.
Even if I spend time as someone who thinks too much,
it might be a moment where it's okay.
Before my heart freezes completely,
to leave this heart that is still a little warm
as it is, and think it's okay,
to still be allowed to hurt
I think.
If I'm thinking this because I'm an incomplete person,
that would be thoroughly like me.
Just as I am, a teenage me with many wounds.