"How should I start..?"
Since moving to this countryside, I've decided to stick to two things: writing a diary page a day, and taking a walk whenever I have nothing better to do.
I realized in my 20s that just lying down isn't the only way to rest, so now that I'm here, I'm going to find my own way to rest.
however,
“How can I be 31 years old and not be able to write a single page in my diary?”
These days, most people can write articles, storyboards, and proposals in English or Japanese.
But you may not be able to start even a single letter in your own diary.
Because you have to cultivate your outer appearance before your inner self, and only when others acknowledge your cultivated outer appearance can you have the freedom to cultivate your inner self.
In a way, it seems right that we should first take the time to decorate our inner selves, and then find the time to decorate our outer selves.
This story also includes me.
“.. I don’t know, I’ll write it later tonight”
In the end, I closed the laptop without even starting a single word.
With nothing else to do, I decided to just go outside and take a walk. Surely I couldn't even take a walk?
After a while,
Weeeing -
” … “
Tak -
".. Miss Bug"
Thump -
" under .. "
I walked along the path between the fields on the side and arrived at a place where only grass was growing. There, everything from bugs that had been exterminated by Sesco in the city to things that resembled ancient extinct creatures were there.
No matter how much I thought about it, it seemed like I could observe every bug in the encyclopedia here. Ah, to get in there, you have to be an insect.
Eventually, I got tired again and turned around and headed home.
“ … ”
I was even more depressed by the fact that I seemed to be incapable of doing anything other than what I had been doing. Everything I had learned over the past 31 years had vanished in an instant.
Then I have to learn something else during that long time again
Or will I just die alone like this?
In fact, it was close to a realization. It was a time of realization. I realized that the current reality was worse than this swamp I was in, and it was just as depressing as I had expected.
I became more and more depressed and it kept happening over and over again.
I tried to sleep, trying to at least get rid of my depressing thoughts. No, the only thing I could do at the moment was sleep.
[slowly]
Bang bang bang -
“ ..? “
“Miss Yeoju~! Are you inside?! “
".. Sunyoung?"
I woke up to someone knocking on the door again and checked the clock to see it was 2 AM.It was past midnight. What could possibly be happening this time of night?
I just put on some slippers and went out the front door.
Squeak -
“Why on this night..?”
"Oh, were you sleeping by any chance..?"
"I just woke up"
"Actually, it's nothing else.."
” ..? “
Swish -
"What is this..?"
“Open it”
Mr. Kwon Soon-young handed me a black bag filled with something, and inside was beer and various snacks.
“Why this..?”
“Today, Mrs. Yoon’s grandmother is having a 70th birthday party, so I brought some food for you to eat.”
“Ah..! Thank you.”
"Okay! Then... I'll be going now."
For a friend I just met, he seems like a pretty kind person. But since he gave me so much, I think it would be polite to ask if I could eat with him. Honestly, I'd rather eat alone.
Hey, it's that time, so you're not going to eat?
“Ta-da~”
“.. tada~”
He's a much more receptive person than I thought. He's accepting this...
“Oh.. delicious.”
"Right? I told you kimchi pancakes are really delicious."
Still, I decided to let them have it because the food they brought was all delicious. Seriously, everyone's cooking skills are amazing... I wish I knew how to cook too...
“But what did you do today, Yeoju?”
“Yes..? Oh, that.. ”
“ ..? “
" therefore .. "
I was embarrassed to say it. I felt like a loser who came here to eat and play because I was broke. But I did have a job.
at that time,
“You can speak slowly.”
” ..?!! “
"Oh, of course, if you don't want to say anything, you don't have to."
” … “
“But after living for a while, I realized that there are no conditions that unconditionally or necessarily oppress people.”
“ … ”
“I’ve lived in Cheoncheon-ri for 31 years, and I’ve noticed that I act slower than other people.”
” … “
"So, you should speak to me slowly so that I can understand properly."
” … “
It was a first. It was refreshing and nice that he didn't tell me to speak slowly, but rather that he told me it was because of me.
When I heard those words, all the shame inside me disappeared and only comfort remained, and I felt like I was truly resting.
I can relax at this pace with this person.
"I... actually couldn't do anything today"
" is it so ? "
“I tried keeping a diary and going for walks, but I couldn’t do them properly.”
“ … ”
“Actually, I quit my job as a producer and came here, but aside from broadcasting, I don’t think I know how to do anything properly.”
“ … ”
“I was so depressed that I just went to sleep.”
It was as if something heavy inside me had disappeared, almost like magic. No, rather than disappearing, it felt like I had become a gas, floating weightlessly.
“I think Ms. Yeoju is very passionate and perfect.”
“Ah, haha.. It’s an occupational disease.”
"How can passion be an occupational disease? It's just a strength."
" ..is that so"
"But right now, I'm here to rest, not work, so if you've done your work properly, how about taking a little time off?"
” ..? “
“The moment I became conscious of resting properly, even that became work.”
" ..!! ah .. "
Yes. Resting isn't work, so why bother trying to do it properly, perfectly? I could just do whatever feels right to me.
After all, resting is the hardest thing.
As we were talking like that, around 4 o'clock, Soonyoung said she wanted to go in, and I, who was a little tipsy, also said I should go in.
"I had fun today. I guess having lots of friends is always a good thing."
"Me too. It's been a while since I've felt more comfortable."
“..hey, Miss Yeoju”
" yes ..? "
“If you have nothing to do tomorrow... If you really have nothing to do, would you like to come to the Taekwondo academy over there?”
“Taekwondo..?”
"I'm not asking you to learn! I work there. So I thought it would be nice if we could talk like this during breaks."
" ah .. "
“There’s nothing better than exercise to get rid of distracting thoughts.”
“I’m worried..! I’ll try.”
“Ah… I’m worried… Yes! Please think about it.”
" .. Then this..ㅁ "
"Miss Yeoju..!"
" yes ? "
" good night ! "
“.. Hey, Sunyoung too. Good night.”
After those words, Sunyoung went home, and I went straight to my room and went straight to sleep without even washing up. For some reason, I felt comfortable enough to do so.
It was the first time in years that I could sleep comfortably.
And the next day I was able to write just one line in my notebook.
‘Our dawn is hotter than the day’