Text/Romantic Dissonance | Cover/Byeom
Please read while listening to music.
๐ถ https://youtu.be/ARwVe1MYAUA
Oh, that sucks.
๋ฌด๋ช
็กๅ์ ํ ์ฌ ๋๋ค๊ฒจ ๋ง์ ๊ณจ๋ชฉ๊ธธ ์ด๊ท์์ ํผ๊ฐ ์์ธ ์นจ์ ํคํ๊ณ ๋ฑ์๋ค. ์๋ฐ ์๋ผ๋ค, ์ข๊ฐ์ ๋๋ค, ๊ฐ์๋ผ๋ค. ์๋ฌด๋ฆฌ ์์ ํด ๋ด๋ ๋๋ ๊ฑด ์๋ค. ์ด๋ป๊ฒ ์ฌ๋์ด ๋ฌด๋ฐฉ๋นํ๊ฒ ์ ๋ ๋ฐง์ค๋ก ์์ ๋ฌถ๊ณ ์ฅ ์ก๋ฏ์ด ์ก์ ์ ์๋ ์ง. ์ฒ๋ฒ ๋ฐ์ ์๋ผ๋ค. ์ง๋ค์ด ๋ชป ๋ ๊ฑธ ์ ๋จํํ
ํํ์ด ํ๋ ์ง. ์๋ง ์์์ด ๋ ๊ฒ๋ค์ ์ง์ผ ํ
์ง. ๋ฌด๋ช
์ ๋จธ๋ฆฌ๊ฐ ์ ๊ตด๋ฌ๊ฐ๋์ด์๊ธฐ์ ์
๋ฐ์ผ๋ก ์ถ์กํ๊ณ ๊พ์ฃ์ฃํ ๋ง์ ์๊ธฐ๋ก ํ๋ค. ์ด์ฐจํผ ๋งํด๋ดค์ ๋ด ๊ผด๋ง ๋ ์ฐ์ค์์ง ๋ฟ์ด๋ค. ์ด๋ฏธ ๊ฐ๊ณผํ๊ณ ์๋ ๊ฑด์ด๋ค.
With nowhere to return, there was nothing more to do. None of these people were desperately trying to climb the ladder, and they had become so accustomed to this filthy life that even their own standards had been lowered. So, they could be content with this life and chuckle amongst themselves. Despite his cleverness, Mumyeong wandered, unable to find anyone who could help him rise. Ah, I wish that were so. I wish my master, who would one day appear like a meteor from a distant star, would pull me along! He would acknowledge my abilities and conquer the world, the dark side of the world, with me! Mumyeong, drawing out grand visions that would never come to pass, forced himself into a corner and closed his eyes. Sometimes, I feel like a lunatic. Idiot. He repeated this to himself a couple of times.
As I contemplated such a preposterous fantasy, a smile spread across my nameless face for the first time. Even that seemed delicate, but it didn't matter. My mind was already filled with the thought: "My lord has acknowledged me, and thanks to you, I have the world!"
The view was darkened like that.
When I opened my eyes, all I saw were eyes. That is, two healthy eyes staring back at me.
Myeong-myeong jumped back in surprise. Even though he was blocked by a wall anyway, he was startled and grabbed the wall with his palm. The rope that had been tied so tightly that blood flow to his hand was loosened and he was thrown to the side. Did that person do it? Haha! As if he had read my mind! The other person laughed heartily and came closer. Long hair? For a moment, I almost mistook him for a woman. I'd never seen him in this area. It was so commonplace, so everyone knew him. Not only were there no crazy long-haired men here, but there was no way anyone wouldn't recognize someone that tall. Myeong-myeong, who was usually calm, stuttered as he asked.
"You...what is your name?"
"Me? Hmm... Me? Name? Not even my identity? The real me?"
"..Yes, you. Is there anyone else besides you?"
"No! You're the first person to ask my name, so I'm really excited. My name is..."
It's dog poop! Hahaha! Ehhaha!
Anonymous's face straightened. The man, calling himself "dog shit," was grinning with his teeth in front of him. Who was he kidding? His stupidity was truly admirable. What was so funny? His legs gave out, and he nearly fell over. Of course, he regained his balance.
Well, after getting splashed in the mud during a fight, what's that for? He was sitting next to Myeong-myeong, talking nonsense without being asked. Myeong-myeong had no time to come to his senses, as he chattered nonstop, as if on a motor. Still, after about four or five minutes, Myeong-myeong, though not completely awake, regained his composure and focused on the laughing, chattering man. He didn't really have anything else in mind. There was no point in going to that group anyway.
So, the author of "Gaedong" (a name meaning "dog shit") raised his voice and chattered, recounting his struggles. These were stories that Gwang-hui, the leader of the Black Demons, the group he belonged to, often told. It was a name he'd created by combining all sorts of fancy-sounding Chinese characters, but he didn't really think much of it, as it sounded like a kid playing around. Of course, he was the one who ended up there because he had nowhere else to go.
"..so."
"huh?"
"What did those kids end up doing?"
Gwang-hui, of course, said that people should have a sense of humanity, and sent him back alive. Since it was my role to applaud upon hearing that, I, too, would have stood up without hesitation if I had received such an answer.
He smiled subtly. As expected, he was a man without anything. Myeong-i stood up.
"of course,"
They killed them all and buried them in mud! I really want to see that. Shouldn't the mud have hardened by now? Or not?
As he answered calmly, Myeong stood motionless, as if possessed by something. I understood what he meant by "it felt like a lump of metal had just hit the back of my head." Laughter was heard behind him, but it quickly died down. A footstep was heard, followed by the sound of someone shaking themselves awake.
He stood before the nameless man, who was standing still, and lowered his body. His expression was devoid of any emotion, as if he had never smiled before. He merely tilted his head in question, as if curious.
"Aren't you scared?"
"..."
"Do you know what people who hear this story do? They either laugh it off or run away, but what about you?"
"..Is it true?"
Anonymous spoke. His voice, filled with an inexplicable excitement, formed a parabolic arc around his lips. "Of course!" he said, quickly returning to his original voice.
"...I...I."
"..What are you saying?"
"Don't you want to come with me?"
At the anonymous remark, he exclaimed, "Ahaha," and it was the heartiest and most cheerful laugh he'd ever heard. "Good!"
Nameless felt like he was dreaming. Perhaps this person was the one he was looking for, the hero he'd hoped would appear like a meteor, and he felt as if he were right before his eyes. A new confidence enveloped Nameless, and the smiling person before him patted his shoulder, saying, "You're different!"
Nameless quickly turned his head. First... First thing to do.
"Are you a good fighter?"
"Huh? Hmm... killing one or two people isn't that hard, right?"
"Then... can you kill an adult male?"
"What?" the man asked back. "It's serious." When Anonymous spoke firmly, he became silent and asked, "How old are you?" Anonymous answered, "Thirty-seven." "Yes, I can!" he said, smiling and taking Anonymous' hand.
First of all, I'm hungry... Should I eat something?
Anonymous nodded. He hadn't planned on being late, but his shoulders rose as if he'd won a thousand battles. "By the way... you have money, right?" His footsteps stopped at the subtle question. Standing tall.
Huh? No way. Myeong-i looked at his face. From this angle, he looked ten centimeters taller than her. He let out a laugh of unknown meaning, and Myeong-i sighed. He rummaged through his pockets, revealing a crumpled ten-thousand-won bill. It was all he'd saved, hiding and saving. The future was bleak, but he had to believe, so what could he do? This was the person I chose.
The man's eyes sparkled. Mumyeong sighed, but decided this would at least fill his stomach. They searched for a nearby tteokbokki place. Because of its low prices, Gwanghui would occasionally stop by, boasting about its price, to everyone. Mumyeong grabbed him and sat him down right in front of him. He ordered two servings of tteokbokki, one serving of sundae (blood sausage), and fish cakes, and it came to exactly ten thousand won. Mumyeong paid the bill without hesitation and returned to his seat.
"What is your name?"
"None. Call me anonymous."
"Um... okay. Nameless, then should I tell you something?"
"what."
"I knew about the ten thousand won in his pocket. It looked like he'd been robbed yesterday, and at first glance, I knew it was all his money."
He looked at the nameless man, who had no movement or change in expression, and waited for an answer.
"..What do you want me to do? I can't provide an environment that will satisfy you. Shouldn't we do something like this?"
โUsually, when something like this happens, wouldnโt you feel betrayed and run away first?โ
I was really curious. First of all, no one had poured all their money into me, and even if they had, the reaction I got was completely unexpected.
"It doesn't matter."
Because you are human.
โYouโre not mine, nor are you the one I chose, youโre human.โ Anonymous answered as he took the tteokbokki the owner offered him. Anonymous poked a piece of rice cake with a toothpick and handed it to him. โEat. Youโll be hungry.โ
Haha! He laughed cheerfully again, took it, and put it in his mouth. I got it. Take it as my special treat. Chew it all before you speak. I'm full. The night grew late as nonsense was exchanged, and the man in his late teens was full of energy. He ate a lot. When the man in front of him finished his bowl, he unconsciously thought, "You're eating well, I want to feed you more," and gave him half of his share. Huh? Jinsimini? Myeong sighed. Yes. Just looking at you eating makes me full, so eat the sundae and finish it.
Well then, he smiled and accepted the food. Suddenly, Moo-myeong wished this moment would never end.
On the way back from dinner, the Black Ghosts, who had been wandering around all day, spotted him. They snickered and walked towards him. Perhaps because the area was so small, they'd found him quickly. But there were quite a few of them. As he slowly backed away, he took his hand. "Hmm?" he asked, a smile crossing his face as he looked at him. Meanwhile, the other members, who had suddenly approached him, began taunting him.
"The boss has been looking at you so much lately that you've forgotten where to look, Mr. Lee."
The nameless man pushed him back, his fist raised in a threatening gesture. He was so relieved to see him succumb to his pressure. "I'll get your attention, so you run away." He was about to take a step back from the members who laughed foully at his words when he heard a clear voice.
"Who are you to mess with my name?"
"A pseudonym? A pseudonym? Haha, it's a pseudonym, guys! You even gave it a name and played around with it a lot? Then what about you? Do you want to be anonymous?"
"You guys are so mean. Why do you bully people?"
He clicked his tongue and stepped forward. Then he kicked his feet and tilted his head to one side to look at the nameless man.
"Gamyeong, are you thirty-seven?"
"Hey, can't you hear me? Where are you from?"
"Will you answer quickly? Just say yes, that's right. You are the one I chose!"
He was momentarily intimidated by the men advancing menacingly, but a single word from him sparked a spark of hope: "Maybe I can do it." When one of them threw a punch, he clenched his jaw and said, "Quickly!" There was no more hesitation. Even if it wasn't him, it was the number two. Nameless, pseudonymous, answered forcefully.
"right!"
The man chuckled and said, "I'll kill you just like you said!" and counterattacked with a punch. As they fell one by one, Ga-myeong couldn't do anything. Even so, he was a man who could fight well. He earned a reputation. And I have him. Ga-myeong looked at that one fact and threw a punch.
"..So what on earth does a pseudonym mean?"
"Go. Don't you know if I'll allow it?"
"I know. It's just that there are more than one or two characters for 'let's go' and I'm confused."
The corners of his lips, about to reveal his pseudonym, subtly quirked upward. Seeing this, he covered his own mouth with one hand and pointed to his pseudonym with the other, a look of profound emotion on his face.
"You...you...! I like your name!"
"Shut up! That's not it!"
The answer that came flying at him as soon as he finished speaking made him even more certain. Hehe, hehe, haha! Ahaha! As he laughed as if the world was going to end, Ga-myeong ran back to his base with a red face.
"This should be enough."
The so-called "base" was a fairly decent house. It had a bed, a chair, a sofa, and a small TV. It had been two days since Danju disappeared, saying he was going on a trip. Since the deputy Danju and the other members had been taken care of, there was no problem. The pseudonym checked the bills. Danju must have had some money stashed away. Still, it was surprisingly small, considering it wasn't a large faction. Still.
There were a lot of them. After laying him on the bed, with his wounds visible here and there, Ga-myung roughly wrapped a piece of cloth that was lying nearby around the wounds. He also had a busted lip. Anyone could tell he was injured, but Ga-myung didn't think it was all that bad.
That's enough money to give whatever the person lying there sleeping after treatment is done, whatever they want. Of course, it'll run out quickly.
Meanwhile, Ga-myung has to make a plan. How and what to do, a concrete plan. Honestly, I'm still not sure what he wants. Does he just want to eat as much tteokbokki as he wants, or does he want to stand atop the pyramid of the entire world, the entire planet? Oh, and I need to organize my budget. Ga-myung picked up the pen that was rolling around.
"..Gamyeong-ah. Aren't you sleeping?"
"Grow up. You must be tired."
I have to figure out how to do her hair tomorrow. Seeing how long it is, I wonder if she wants to grow it out. I guess some kind of treatment would be best. Still, her hair is quite wavy, as if she combs it often. Even though it looks like a girl's, I like the nickname.
"..I want to eat tteokbokki."
"I ate a few hours ago. If you want, you can eat again tomorrow."
"Aren't you hungry?"
"It's okay. I'm used to it. But you... what's your ultimate goal? I need to know that so I can figure out how to do it."
Hmm... A low, muffled voice, perhaps because he'd just woken up, spoke. I... Ah, I just decided! I looked at him as he opened his mouth to say, "Listen, listen," while laughing like a child.
"I want to wear the most beautiful clothes in the world!"
"hmm?"
"To be exact, I wanted to wear it, Randa. My goal now is... to lie down and sleep with you."
The pseudonym sighed. The hopeful thought that always popped up whenever he was with her. She ruffled her hair and laid down on the bed where he was lying. It had been so long since she'd felt this sensation. Suddenly, she felt sad and felt like crying.
He hummed a pleasant tune and turned to face Ga-myeong. "Gamyeong, my dear." His voice was so pleasant, it felt like he was being sucked in. He pulled the blanket over Ga-myeong and draped it over her. "Why?" he asked, and after a moment of silence, Ga-myeong hugged him tightly.
"Sleep well."
"...Are you lonely?"
"No. It's just that it's my first time experiencing warmth, so I'm just a little awkward."
It was winter, the end of youth.
"And my name is,"
โRanda.
Yes, the situation has been resolved. We will return.
The pseudonym spoke softly into the walkie-talkie. He stood alone in the bloody place, holding a pistol in his right hand.
A lot has happened in the meantime.
The next day, he used that vast sum of money to bolster his power. Since two people couldn't handle it, he chose a group with a large population but weaker forces, shot them in the head, and then naturally assumed the position of leader. His face, which had been cold as he personally took the lives of the rebels one by one, suddenly shifted to a mischievous expression when he was alone with Ga-myeong, then chuckled.
"We did it!"
Moreover, since the organization was also doing business, after securing the chairmanship, he carved his name into the head's genealogy in large letters. The reason was that he was killed by a mysterious member of the organization. He said that he had placed him as his adopted son before his death. Even though he was questioned by the police because it was suspicious, the body was mangled and he was very anxious as usual. It seemed that he was trying to use me, who he knew well, as his adopted son as a shield. He recited the same tearful story to witnesses from the surrounding organization members, and even recited the information he had investigated, including that damned confidential information, so the police apologized and meekly withdrew. Society had fallen apart. The pseudonym and he had seen each other constantly and had been pushed to the bottom, so they didn't react in a new way.
But it wasn't all that smooth sailing. The two were kidnapped while searching for money to buy weapons, and they even went so far as to lick the shoes of another organization to extract informationโsomething incredibly humiliating. The place was so ruthless that one time, because he was taller than her, they were so upset that they locked him in a dark warehouse without food. Perhaps because it was a solitary cell, there was no light, and Ga-myeong, worried about not having eaten for three days, prepared to be locked in the warehouse with him, brought some snacks and rice balls to give them to him. But just then, they were caught and locked in for another three days.
"Gamyeong, I told you to stay still. What do you look like?"
"I can't help but worry."
"...Gae-myeong, the plan to come here came from your head."
"I don't know. Your safety comes first."
And just in case... Gamyeong rummaged through his pockets. A small rice ball and two Choco Pies emerged. He chuckled at them. "As expected, you anticipated this situation!"
To be honest, 'he' was smarter. Ga-myeong was just a relatively smart companion who helped out, and he was always the one who predicted how the situation would develop and prepared in advance, from witness falsification to predicting how it would turn out. Still, Ga-myeong's ignorance wasn't all that bad, and sometimes, when his thoughts turned out right, they would eat tteokbokki at that tteokbokki restaurant until they were full. And since he saved two lives, they were inseparable. He was smart in many ways and had an incredible memory for things he had learned, so he could deceive or think much faster, but because of his personality that would risk himself to win, Ga-myeong stayed by his side and made a path with safety as the top priority, making them a truly perfect pair.
Eventually, he grew and grew and grew until he reached where he is today. Ga-myeong, who had witnessed him and all his dramatic successes with his own eyes, sometimes felt like a god. Someone who knew and predicted everything. At those moments, he would wink and grin as if he'd noticed. Then, the sentiment would suddenly be shattered, and the nagging would naturally flow out.
He'd worked so hard to grow the company. He'd invested, bought, and sold stocks here and there, and worked tirelessly to produce a decent product. Still, the assassination of the former CEO, which was on the news, was a constant source of gossip. He'd occasionally tear up in interviews, perhaps out of pity. His popularity, both for himself and the company, had reached its peak. Meanwhile, he'd released a cosmetic product he was satisfied with, and it sold like hotcakes. He'd said it was just the beginning, and he'd quickly direct the production of something that hit a need. Soon, his company's name was all over the place when it came to cosmetics. Each time, Ga-myeong was by his side, witnessing a divine victory, a triumph for a company that had seemed hopeless. But having tasted victory dozens of times over the years with him, I wasn't as surprised as others. It was simply astonishing.
When others told him it was hopeless and that the company was better off abandoned, what did he say? When they criticized him for wasting money, what did he do? He didn't really say anything. He just hung around, silently doing his job. Still, he felt they believed in him, and he chuckled.
Ah. I remembered something old. I have to go.
"Gamyeong-ah. What are you doing here?"
The click-clack-clack of high heels echoed, and then a voice came near my ear again. My eyes filled with color. "There's blood," he said, his hands wiping it away, soft and delicate, as if soothing a child. A faint tingling sensation settled over me. "A fake name is fine," I replied briefly, then turned away. I'd sensed it from the sound of his voice, but he shouldn't be here right now. He must have said he'd be waiting at his house.
"ah."
Ga-myung wouldn't say such a foolish thing. It was simply that when he turned around, he felt an unexpected, sharp pain in his abdomen. He squinted. He supported Ga-myung, who momentarily lost all strength and collapsed. His previously composed expression twisted, and immediately, it became devoid of any emotion.
I'm not dead. Maybe it's because I've been hit so many times, but I'm just a little surprised. Maybe it's because I'm showing this to the person I most hated to see.
"You should eat the tteokbokki alone."
"..Do you think I'll get over it now?"
We'd planned to make tteokbokki together after work today. It was his first time making it, and it had been a while since he'd had Ga-myeong's cooking, so he'd been looking forward to it! He'd even gone shopping and bought the ingredients himself, humming along. Ga-myeong, who'd chuckled at his slightly angry words, didn't hesitate to put an arm around his shoulder.
He was annoyed by the way Chin kept smiling as if he was having fun while being supported, so he threatened to make tteokbokki as soon as he got better. As expected, all he could hear was laughter.
I had surgery. I lost consciousness the moment I arrived at the hospital, and I had no particular memory of the procedure. Perhaps because I'd had surgery three or four times, it didn't scare me or intimidate me anymore. It was just so-so. The surgery left me with a long gash. They stitched it up, but a large wound, about ten centimeters long, remained on my abdomen like debris. When I opened my eyes to the morning sunlight, I saw him sleeping on the bed, his upper body slumped over, and a smile briefly crossed his frozen expression. How long had it been since I'd seen him sleep like this? He forgot all about his dignity and everything, and he couldn't help but like the way he wore nothing in front of me.
He was like a god to me. Just a god. He, who was usually cruel and made rational and clear-headed decisions, was always naked when he faced me. Whenever I saw him, who always faced me with his whole body without any thought of covering up, an inexplicable emotion welled up in me. Love? It wasn't love. Or was it love? In those moments, I felt like I was special, like I was being treated well, and like I was being reassured that I was still useful to him. Was that the only reason I liked him? When I was by his side, I wasn't afraid of the hands that pointed at me for being cold. Was it just because of the years we had spent together? Or was it because of my endless and unceasing loyalty?
As we crawled together on that floor, there were many opportunities for the pseudonym to escape. There were moments when I truly wanted to run away. Perhaps there were many. Yet, I, I,
I trusted him without a doubt. He never once said that it was difficult, and without showing it, he silently held his hand and stayed by his side.
And this is the result now.
A smile spread across his face as he tucked his hair behind his ear as he lay sleeping. It felt like a cheerful voice was ringing in his ears, saying, "You are my chosen one!" It was because of that sleeping face that I couldn't leave. It was the same back then.
When I got hit hard in the left arm with a knife and the doctor told me I would never be able to use it. Now that I've fully rehabilitated and have no problems moving it, he still seems to be concerned because he occasionally strokes that area three or four times. The despair on his face when he heard that it was completely destroyed was clearly visible for the first time. I haven't seen him since, but those were the days when I did any dirty work I could find to pay for the surgery. It was quite similar to now. He was sleeping in the same position as now, and when I woke up, he grabbed my right hand tightly. And then, what did you say?
"Gae-myung-ah."
I started by calling her name lightly.
"..I'm giving you a chance to leave. This will be the first and last time. If you don't want to go through this again, run away to a place where I can't see you as soon as you get better."
"..It's refreshing."
"...This isn't a joke. He said he's doing this because he really feels like if I don't leave this time, I won't be able to let you go until I die. No matter what happens..."
What did Gamyeong say to him when he saw him like that? What did I say to you? What did you do to me after hearing those words? How did you destroy me so terribly? What did you say to me, Gamyeong?
"The answer I gave before should be sufficient."
"..."
"I want you... you,"
You are also one of my chosen ones.
After saying that, I simply hugged you. That's what matters. That you were truly beautiful in the sunlight, that you cried so hard in my embrace, it felt so human, I held you tighter. Sometimes, I miss that moment. Just knowing that you held me and cried is all I need.
"Gamyeong-ah. Are you awake?"
Even your disheveled appearance is beautiful in my eyes. Huh. Did it take you this long to stay by my side? I know there's absolutely no malice in what you say. Is your back okay? It must hurt from sleeping on your stomach. You should go home. As you say that, you ruffle his hair like you did back then. The only difference is that the hospital room is VIP, and you're a little more mature. Those are the two things.
"Now I know."
"What, making tteokbokki? Why are you speaking informally to me? You didn't even do it when I asked you to."
"โHey."
I just wanted to. I felt like I had to say it now. I felt like I'd regret it for a long time. So I called your name. How dare I, me, your, your.
"What are you calling me?"
"I... love you."
I just simply love you. I don't know, I don't see any other way to express this overwhelming feeling. Now I have no choice but to admit it. It exists not in a sexual form, but simply in an infinite form. The form of my love. It was. Not eros or philia, but the form of my love was agape. I wish you always wore pretty clothes and ate all you wanted. My God, Allah, Jesus, was you, and for you I offer my holy and unconditional love.
I feel like I can't live without you. I have to be you. The words I spewed out ceaselessly weren't at all embarrassing. Rather, they were confident, bringing a bright smile to his face.
Have you finally realized it, Gamyeong? The problem is that you are so clueless.
"I love you too. Then let me guess the form of your love."
He chuckled and began to speak.
"Don't you usually call it agape? Actually, I don't need your answer. Then what do you think my love takes the form of?"
Ga-myung closed his eyes. Philia? He couldn't think of anything else. Ga-myung couldn't hide his excitement as the words continued, as if he'd expected it.
"I am also Agape."
The pseudonym opened its eyes.