Breakup formula
W. Manggaejjitteok
“Senior, what are you doing here?”
I met your eyes, your hands dripping wet, as if you'd just come out of the bathroom. I could see your pupils twitching wildly, as if you hadn't expected me to speak to you privately at work. Do-hyun interrupted again, without even noticing.
“I was coming back from dinner, and Yeoju said she needed to use the bathroom. So I’m helping her carry her bag.”
I didn't ask you that myself. My voice almost snapped. How could you change jobs? I couldn't possibly make enemies at work again. But his gaze was already out of control, glaring sharply. You must have noticed it too, as you glanced back and forth between me and Dohyun before hastily grabbing your bag and laughing.
“Oh, thank you, Do-hyun.”
“No. I can listen to it, but what is it?”
… Ah, I'm getting annoyed again. Do-hyun, with his kind face, suggested we go to the office together. I couldn't resist and followed him. His actions showed that I couldn't stand to see the two of us together even if it meant dying. Do-hyun kept chattering. How was work life? How were the facilities? Did you like your superiors? To all the meddlesome and pointless questions, I simply answered with a bland "Yes. Yes."
“By the way, Miss Yeoju. Did your blind date go well last time?”
“Huh?, Oh… That… No, it didn’t go well.”
I always let things slide without really listening, but at the word “blind date,” I pricked up my ears and turned my head. You, too, seemed a bit uncomfortable talking about blind dates in my presence, a look of embarrassment etched across your face. … I shouldn’t be feeling this way after we’ve already broken up, but for some reason, my stomach churned. It was so ugly. As if he was so curious, this time he asked me, “Jungkook, do you have a girlfriend?”
“No. There isn’t.”
At first, I hesitated. Should I say yes, or should I tell the truth, no? At that moment, I looked at you. If there was a problem between you and me, that was it. That we broke up so easily. If only we had broken up with difficulty... I could have easily admitted my lingering attachment. Five years ago, we were so young and had so little. That's why I didn't realize how precious everything I had by my side was. I was so desperate to live in reality that I had to throw everything away. Even if that thing was you.
I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. Cha Yeo-ju, you probably feel the same way, too. Having already abandoned each other once, the second time would be even more difficult. There's no guarantee it won't happen again.This was one of the reasons why it was difficult for us to meet again.
“I thought someone like Jeongguk would be there.”
“I’m busy living.”
“… …”
Watching you walk away, your eyes fixed on the floor, I turned my head. I wish I hadn't known what you were feeling. Then I'd close my eyes, shut my ears, and pretend not to know, just living as I was. It was incredibly difficult to suppress the emotions that were surging within me, to pretend not to know.
“Dohyun- the team leader is calling.”
“Oh, yes! I’ll be there soon.”
Soon, Do-hyeon was called out by an employee from the end of the hallway. It was just you and me in that wide hallway. I considered just walking away, but unlike my head, my legs, glued to the marble, refused to give up. After a while of debating whether to continue, a thin voice called my name.
“…Jeon Jungkook. Don’t worry about what Dohyun said earlier. I asked because you’re such a friendly person…”
What? Did you ask me if my blind date went well? Or did you ask me if I had a girlfriend? Either way, this isn't something you should be talking about in front of someone you've just met. Before I knew it, my frown had shifted, and your eyes must have cracked, because your face was fidgeting.
"Closeness? Is that clinginess on your face? That's just rude. Asking someone you just met today something like that."
“…Hey, what are you talking about!…”
“No, that’s okay. What’s your relationship with Lee Do-hyun?”
I didn't need to speak so harshly, but my voice was already coming out in a harsh tone. I knew it. It wasn't even about politeness. Still, the reason I spoke like this. Was it my lingering attachment to you? Or was it just shallow feelings for my ex? Or...Is it the feeling I have for you that you let me go so easily back then?
It was a really funny feeling. I was the one who was thrown away too.
“…What does it matter?”
"what?."
“What does that have to do with you? Whether I met Do-hyun or not.”
“Ha, I’m going to…”
“You must be mistaken. It’s been five years since we broke up.”
I was reminded of it again. I bit my tightly shut lips. Perhaps, I thought you felt the same way. Was that just my delusion? Once again, the emotions from a few days ago came flooding back vividly.
That moment when you kissed me while drunk. I thought it would be the same feeling, that it was because of the same feeling that you came to me. How foolish of me to think that. I laughed bitterly. Yes, you think that moment was just a dream.I still feel this way.
“So, from now on, our public and private life will be properly…”
“Ha… That’s right. We broke up.”
“… …”
“You’re good at making a fool of someone. Just give it to me.”
It ended well. It definitely ended well... I don't know why I'm breaking up with you now.
“…No, well. That’s what Jeon Jungkook said.”
Ever since Jeon Jungkook said that to me, I couldn't fully focus on work. "You're so good at making fools of people? What's sarcasm?" The only person I could confide in was my only friend, Moon Ga-young. As soon as work ended, I rushed to the cafe she runs to talk to her, but she didn't respond well either.
“Doesn’t Jeon Jungkook still have feelings for you?”
I almost spilled the coffee in my mouth. Just as I was about to open my mouth to say, "No way...", a thought suddenly occurred to me. Why couldn't I have guessed that Jeon Jungkook might still have feelings for me? Was it because he was so nonchalant? Or was I so preoccupied with the aftereffects that I didn't notice Jeon Jungkook? I said, scraping my fingernails along the edges of the coffee cups I held in both hands.
“…That can’t be.”
"why?."
“Well, that guy…When you broke up with me, you said you knew without hesitation. How could someone like Jeon Jungkook have any lingering feelings for me?
"You didn't even start to feel the aftereffects until five years later. How could a dog not feel the same?"
I couldn't say anything. It was such an undeniable statement. Gayoung watched my reaction, her voice growing ever more suspicious. "Why on earth are you being so negative, like, 'That can't be true. There's no way I could be so ignorant?'" Gayoung's next words struck me like a punch to the back of the head.
“The reason you deny it so much is because you know that Jeon Jungkook still has feelings for you… Aren’t you doing this because you’re afraid things will turn out like they did five years ago?”
Clang. The coffee cup I was holding fell to the floor and shattered. Gayoung, observing the reaction, sighed and muttered, "Somehow, I felt uneasy..." I panicked and hurriedly reached out to grab the broken piece, but Gayoung's hand stopped me.
"I see. Is that something you should deny, even to the point of deceiving yourself?"
I couldn't raise my head as Gayoung, with her broom and dustpan, effortlessly cleared away the debris. Was that it? No matter how hard I tried to control my emotions, I couldn't explain it as anything other than love.I love you, but I don't want to get close to you.
That feeling was summed up in Gayoung's words. I was still afraid. That day five years ago.
"We've both been hurt. And it's scary. We're worried we'll be abandoned again, or that we'll abandon ourselves again."
Gayoung's words pierce my heart.
“It didn’t make sense from the start. You two were both dying during the seven years we were dating, and yet you can’t even tell what kind of feelings Jeon Jungkook has? You just wanted to pretend you didn’t know.”
As I realized the true nature of my emotions, my hands began to tremble involuntarily. So what should I do? Should I just pretend not to notice and move on? We've made a choice to avoid getting hurt, but we're hurting each other again? Wouldn't Jeon Jungkook be just as scared? A thousand thoughts raced through my mind.
"Cha Yeo-ju, you weren't that clueless college student back in the day. Your choices carry responsibility. Make your choice. A choice you'll never regret."
Let's pretend not to know and just cut each other off while we're still hurt,
or not,
Are you really ready to be abandoned or abandoned again, and overcome your fear?
To me, who thought there was only one choice…
One more option has emerged.
[Jjintteok's Saddam]
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