Let's break up
It's over. Eventually, these relationships also came to an end.
“Say it again. What did you say?”
“Are you serious?”
“I was hoping that wasn’t the case…
I am one, notification is three. They wanted me, and I used them. What do you mean? I am a fucking piece of trash. Not two-timing, but three-timing trash. I deserve to be cursed at. Besides, the three people I met today are my friends. I played a big part in ruining that friendship. Choi Yi-an. A bitch that others would call a piece of trash. Even I can't believe that I am that person. How did I end up like this, why did I get into this relationship? Why am I using you all? I don't know. If I don't know, who will?
“What more can I do?”
This was the answer I heard from Park Jimin, who was the first to break up. He blamed himself. It seemed like he thought our breakup was his fault. In fact, it was my fault, wasn't it? I watched the expression of confusion on his face without saying anything. The attempt to hide the tears failed. Tears fell from his eyes that turned away from me and soaked the asphalt. Was he that sincere to me? It seemed like his heart ached a little. I made a weak person cry.
“It’s just a fleeting relationship. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
“I wish that were easy for you.”
As he sighed between his irregular breathing caused by his sobs, white steam rose. The tip of his red nose and the corners of his eyes felt like they would freeze at any moment. If I had known this would happen, I should have said this in the summer. It would have been less sad.
Next was Jeon Jungkook. Compared to Park Jimin before, how should I put it? He seemed unfazed. His expression and speech were as if he had expected it. He was always like this. He was a really unpredictable person. His emotions, expressions, and inner thoughts were hard to know. Everything was a secret, so every moment with you was mysterious. At one point, I was attracted to that uniqueness and thought I really loved you.
“I can’t do it.”
It was a response to the words of breaking up. It was the first time. It was the first time I heard his heart directly. It was very late, but today I finally know your heart. Even though you were an unknown person, you loved me. A sense of relief came over me. It wasn't just me who enjoyed the relationship, but you also needed me. At least I was that kind of person. It was fortunate. A bitter smile came out.
“What should I do? I want to quit.”
"Don't lie."
At first, he told me that I was lying. He came closer to me, grabbed my arms, and lowered his head. He was trying to calm his mind. I watched him quietly. When he finally raised his head, we were staring at each other from a fairly close distance. Was it anger mixed with tears? Or was it just pure foolishness? Even in this last moment, as always, I couldn't read the look in his eyes.
“I told you that if I let go, you’d let go too.”
“You’ve never let me go before.”
“That’s it now.”
Gradually, his face became distorted. The corners of his mouth trembled slightly, and his eyes… resentment. Resentment. The resentment he felt toward me for suddenly breaking up. The misery he felt from the fact that our relationship would break if I let go. And yet, at times, the betrayal of the glimmer of hope that we had been in love was shattered. All of those emotions were mixed together and directed at me. And at the moment I was accepting all of those emotions, he kissed me as if expressing his love mixed with hatred.
The last one was Kim Taehyung. When I said I wanted to break up, he laughed like a child was playing a prank. Did he just think I was playing a prank? He put his hands in his long coat pockets and tilted his head to the side to look at me.
“Are you sick of it now? Are you going to go find someone else?”
“That’s not it.”
“Is it Park Jimin’s turn this time?”
No. It could be Jeon Jungkook. He was looking down at me with his sly speech. Yes. You were not hiding anything in your expressions. You didn’t try to hide anything to look good to me. Park Jimin, who devoted himself to me and hid himself. Jeon Jungkook, who had to keep everything a secret to protect himself. And Kim Taehyung, who revealed everything about himself without lying. Considering that the three of them were friends, their personalities were quite different.
“Don’t go to anyone.”
“What are you talking about now?”
When the three men were friends, and when their relationship fell apart because of me, Kim Taehyung hated me. He was the same person who had sex with me, his friend's lover. He blamed me. The form of his affection toward me was a bit peculiar. Hatred and longing. He couldn't let me go, in the middle of the line between the two. Because what's forbidden is sweeter. Does that mean he can confidently say that he loves me?
“Just. I wonder what’s the use of it now.”
“…I hate you, but I can’t hate you.”
“Of course. Because you like me.”
I knew Kim Taehyung well. Even though his words were harsh, his heart stayed with me. He was truly a contradictory person. I knew that the barbed words he spit out were not sincere. Rather, those words were probably words he spoke to himself, knowing that he shouldn't be, but still being drawn to me. I felt sorry for him, but also found it fascinating. I thought that hatred turned into attachment in an instant.
.
After saying goodbye three times in one day and facing three farewells, I returned home and laid my heavy, cold body on the soft sofa. It was a night more heartbreaking than any winter night. I didn’t even turn on the lights in the room, and just stared into the dark void. I thought for a long time in a space where there was no difference between closing my eyes and not closing them. Then I suddenly came to my senses, turned on the light of a small lamp, and sat down under it. Only then did I see a white piece of paper on the table in front of me. The corners were slightly crumpled. I momentarily forgot. I saw it this morning, but what was it? I didn’t have the strength to get up, so I just continued to stare at the paper. I could vaguely see the printed letters written on it. The name of the university hospital, my name, Choi Yi-an, my birthday…
It was a death sentence.