"Mr. Kwon Soon-young, why are you so absent-minded today?"
"It's especially so today."
"...when did I ever do that."
"Now, now."
Sunyoung pressed the power button on her laptop and grabbed her coat. When Seungcheol asked where she was going, she didn't answer and just headed outside. The uncomfortably clear weather, seemingly oblivious to Sunyoung's mood, greeted her. Sunyoung walked slowly down the street toward her apartment.
"... dust,"
It had been a long time since I stood before it. Not in my own apartment, but in the room next door. I stared at the door, and dust had accumulated, clinging to the doorknob. I stared blankly at the door before pressing the doorbell.
Ding dong-
A clear voice rang out. She knew no one would come out anyway. More than anyone else. It felt like the door would open at any moment and someone would rush to her and hug her... A sense of frustration spread through Soonyoung's chest. If it was going to be like this, she should have just treated them better. If it was going to be like this... Just, just...
"I should have approached you first..."
It was only now that I realized what was the point of regretting it. If I said I didn't regret it, of course, it would be a lie. Now, at 26, a year older, the present. The only thing that had changed much from the past was that I was alone. For the first time, my home, once filled with warmth and conversation, felt empty.
"...the door won't open."
It was a natural thing to do. I just tried it once, as a whine. As expected, it felt lonely and desolate when it was there and then gone. I just cried alone at home. There was nothing else I could do. I had no sense of time. I lived with the curtains drawn. I wondered if I really needed to distinguish between day and night.
"Soonyoung, come to your senses. Okay?"
"Stop crying... I'll wait outside, hyung. Come out, Soonyoung."
"Soonyoung, are you okay? How's the food? .... Please call me."
"Hey, Soonyoung. Your parents are here."
"......Aren't you going to see me? I'm worried a lot."
I didn't meet anyone. I changed the password to my house. I just didn't want to see anyone. Seungcheol would always hang out in front of our house and leave. Sometimes my parents would come and wait quietly next to Seungcheol. But even that wasn't very welcome. I really didn't want to see anyone.
"....Where did you go, Jihoon..."
All day, I cried out that name. I missed you, I asked where you had gone, I liked you, I was sorry, I asked you to meet me just once. I pleaded and pleaded. I didn't even bother to wipe away the tears that were flowing. I couldn't help it.
I was dizzy. Everything was dizzy. Then, suddenly, I hated myself so much. If only I had answered the phone then. Would Jihoon be here with me now? If only I had picked up the phone then and gotten out, would Jihoon be here with me, unharmed?
One day, I just thought about dying. I thought that would be the easiest thing to do. I headed to the kitchen. I looked through all the kitchen knives. I pulled out a kitchen knife, but my hands were shaking like an idiot. I was scared to die. My trembling hands gripped the handle of the knife tightly. I tried to stab him in the stomach with all my might, but my hand slipped. I was still scared. How many times had Ji-hoon been through something like this, something this scary, to be able to act so nonchalantly?
"... J, I'm sorry, Jihoon... Why am I still so scared..."
I was scared. I just sat there and cried loudly. I cried so loudly that the whole house felt like it was going to explode. It's been a while since I've cried so loudly. I just cried. Seungcheol hyung knocked on the door, worried. He asked if I was okay, and told me to come to my senses.
"Sunyoung, our son."
"I'm sorry, Mom, I'm so late."
"Our son... is it hard? We're so sorry."
"Son, this is Dad. Are you eating well? Even if it's hard, you have to eat."
".... It's good if you cry and get better, but don't cry too much, it's hard."
I couldn't hear it. It was pointless to hear those words. There was no need. My stomach hurt. Was it from crying too much, or from not eating enough? It was one of the two. My stomach churned. I stumbled, propping myself against the wall as I went to the bathroom. I tried to clear my churning stomach. But nothing helped. Could I just die like this? I hoped. I wished I could die like this.
".... brother."
It was Seung-gwan. One day, Seung-gwan came. I could feel his voice trembling as he shouted the single word "hyung." It seemed like even he hadn't calmed down yet. The trembling voice gradually became clearer in my ears.
"....Hyung, Soonyoung hyung."
"The brother who was always so cheerful... yeah, the cheerful brother..."
"Hyung... don't break down. Hyung... Soonyoung hyung..."
Seungkwan could also be heard holding back tears outside the door. His halting voice could be heard clearly throughout the room.
"Jihoon hyung... did that."
"My brother is strong... He's an amazing person who can do well on his own."
"...I hope it doesn't fall apart anymore, I..."
"And Jihoon hyung too..."
She bit her lower lip hard. A bitter taste spread throughout her mouth. Soonyoung's already thin face paled even more. She braced herself, taking one step at a time, and stood in front of the door.
".... Jihoon sent it to me that day."
"I told you that I had to tell Hyung Sunyoung..."
"I said I had to tell you no matter what..."
"I won't listen, bro... I sent it to your phone."
"....Please listen."
Seungkwan remained silent after those words. Soonyoung picked up the phone on the sofa. The various messages didn't catch her eye. She saw the recording Seungkwan had sent. As she pressed the start button on the short recording, the tears she'd been holding back burst out. The voice she'd been longing to hear began to fill her ears.
Sunyoung, what are you doing? I can't reach you. You said you were busy, because of me...
What did I do without even knowing that, right? Am I bad?
...But what should I do? I don't think I'll be able to see our Soonyoung anymore..
I feel so sorry and that's why... I can't look at Soonyoung's face.
.... But don't be too hurt because of me, okay?
I can't tell you not to cry... haha
Still, I'm happy that there will be someone who will cry when I die.
Originally there was no one...
I miss you already, but I think I've reached my limit... What should I do?
I wanted to see Soonyoung's face one last time...
It's a bit sad to leave without seeing your face haha...
.... Hello, Sunyoung. Thank you... Yes, thank you.
I love you so much. Don't get hurt because I love you so much.
You must stay healthy. ... It's okay if you forget me. Just don't get sick.
.... I love you and I'm sorry, Sunyoung.
I listened to the finished recording over and over again. It was all gone now. I didn't want to forget, so I kept playing it. I was scared of forgetting. I was afraid that everything, that Lee Ji-hoon I'd met until now, would really disappear. I hated that so much that I kept listening to it.
"It's been a while since you came in."
I felt like I couldn't possibly sell this house, so I left it there. It was naturally dirty, perhaps because it had been left empty. I looked around quietly. I'd always been in my own house, but I'd never seen Jihoon's like this. Entering the bedroom, a familiar scent, perhaps still lingering, reached Soonyoung's nose.
".... what."
✔Let's make the final confession at our house
Confession... I stopped at the sixth confession. There were still four more chances to confess, but I didn't hear them. I looked at the desk where the nearly wilted flowers were. I opened the drawer, but there were only medical supplies. I just stared at it for a moment, then went to the adjacent utility room. There were no proper clothes in the washing machine. They were all torn and stained red.
Soonyoung left his house and walked along the path she often walked with Jihoon. A faint smile crossed her face as memories flooded back. She then entered a nearby café, ordered a drink, sat down, and turned on her phone.
_Jihoon
_You know what?
_It's already November
_Your birthday is in November
_Is that today?
It's already November 22nd
_Is that why?
_I keep thinking about you today and it's driving me crazy
_me I gave up on work today and came out.
_I want to hold a funeral for you
_I asked the morgue team later and...
Seungkwan said that it seemed like the opposing organization had already been eliminated.
_So I'm just living with that regretful feeling
_What kind of cake should I buy you?
_You liked strawberries and chocolate, right?
_Is the whipped cream cake with both of them on top okay?
_I should buy it and go eat it lol
_Today is your day, so have a good day
_I love you Jihoon
_"Brother, what are you doing?"
_"Oh, it's Seung-kwan. Long time no see."
_"Okay!! Haha, shall we meet up today?"
_"Okay, good. Where should we meet?"
_"Um... Then here...! "
Jihoon, how is it there?
Are you not sick anymore? Are you healthy?
It hurts, but don't be sad, I love you.
Even if I say it 100 times, 1000 times, it won't all be conveyed
Thank you, I'm sorry, and I love you, Jihoon
Hello! It's been a while since I've visited you.
Are you satisfied...~??
Please rate in the comments!!~