Ambiguous love
1. I want to run away
My life is a place where I can neither go out nor meet anyone other than the hospital, the sickroom, and the medical staff.
The only things that change in my life now are the length of my fingernails and toenails, the season outside, and the people leaving the hospital.
People being discharged and admitted soon came into my sight.
The proportion of visitors varied with each season. In spring, when flower petals flutter, a large number of elderly people inexplicably visit.
Most people who have been sick all winter are now getting scolded for coming. And in the summer, many people my age come.
They come for various reasons, most of them accidents. And in the fall, they often come because people are fighting.
Especially during Chuseok, it can't get that noisy. There was even a time when four people came to pray for me.
They get hurt and fight that much, but in winter, they are worse than people...
지율
A lot of other things come.
김석진
Jiyul-ah
지율
....
My body has become weak due to a genetic autoimmune disease, and I started being hospitalized for pneumonia when I was 5 years old. Now, at the age of 21, my weak body seems to have been on the verge of death thousands of times.
Other people enjoy it by going thick and short, but how much longer do I have to live and how do I cherish my body like this?
Other people may say I'm great, but in reality, they deny my life, saying it's just foolish.
지율
Go now.
I didn't want to live like that, and I didn't want to gain anything by surviving like that. I just wanted to go into the ocean like my peers, or at least see it once.
Just because it's like this doesn't mean it's meaningless.
It may be a comfort to my parents and my older brother Seokjin who became righteous for me, but I am not comforted by this life.
My life is sustained by someone else, so I shouldn't live for myself.
I live simply for those people. I'm gradually building a life free of regrets and anguish.
I can't make it perfect, but...
김석진
I'm here to make rounds
It was a day of repetitive rounds, once a day, sometimes four times, and continuous blood draws.
김석진
This time the numbers got worse, let's try more antibiotics.
지율
...
김석진
How long are you going to push me away?
What kind of feelings did you give me? You have no idea.
지율
Isn't it difficult to be loved by someone in your current state?