(BGM: River Flows in You)
August 19, 2018
Once again, I stand beside you as your friend—Kim Yeoju's friend, Byun Baekhyun.
I stay by your side, making sure each day is fun, making sure you never get bored.
But you... you always call me a friend.
You keep telling me, "Even after ten years, let's stay friends."
And with those words, you keep hurting me.
November 30, 2018
Today, you invited me over to your place, saying we should celebrate Friday with fried chicken and beer.
You can’t even handle alcohol, yet here we are.
You're 21, but to me, you still look like a high school student.
The front door remains open, as if waiting for someone, but I pretend not to notice.
I ask about your day.
You tell me you were supposed to hang out with Sujeong and Jieun,
but when they couldn’t make it, you wandered around the city alone.
And so, I pretend not to hurt, not to feel anything.
"Let's just watch a movie at my place tonight," I say.
You beam at me and excitedly mention you’ve been wanting to watch Along with the Gods.
We clean up the half-eaten chicken and beer before heading to the convenience store.
I grab a caramel popcorn—your favorite.
As I walk toward the register, you stop in front of the alcohol section, staring at the bottles for a long time.
Then, as if nothing happened, you return to my side with a smile.
As we check out, I glance at your face.
I don’t know what I see there, but it’s something unfamiliar.
So I pretend not to notice, and instead, I take your hand.
Holding it, we walk back home.
We settle in front of the TV, setting up the popcorn and soda before starting the movie.
You flinch at certain scenes, stuffing your face with food in between.
God…
I try not to show it, but suddenly, my chest tightens, and my vision blurs.
Tears rush up before I can stop them.
I get up abruptly, heading for the bathroom.
Thankfully, you don’t seem to notice.
I turn on the faucet, crouching down as silent sobs wrack my body.
It’s unbearable.
I’m breaking apart.
I once told you this:
"My heart is like chocolate.
Because it’s dark.
Because it’s sweet.
It’s wrapped in darkness,
hiding the sweetness beneath.
When bitten, it hurts.
Delicious yet bittersweet,
a dream-like taste that eventually fades away.
And the cavity left behind?
The pain lingers."
You just laughed, saying, "What does that even mean?"
You never knew what I was feeling.
And I thought I could endure it.
So I held it all in.
But why…
I force myself to walk back out, pretending like nothing happened.
But the moment I see you again, my eyes well up all over again.
I told you you weren’t beautiful.
You called me your friend.
No.
Please.
Give me another chance to tell you the truth.
Let me tell you that I’ll protect you.
But even that… has become a lie.
Because now, you’re no longer beside me as my friend.
You’re here as a ghost, lingering by my side.