"You were here."
“…….”
Up to your house.
“…….”
The day before moving.
Even after Gunho finished speaking, I did not answer for a while. Just as the brief confusion in my mind began to subside little by little, I gazed at Gunho quietly and then opened my mouth.
“Why didn’t you call?”
The voice came out calmer than expected.
Gunho didn't answer immediately. But this time, he didn't rush. This time, it felt like I would really be able to hear it. It felt as though the end of the story, which had remained unknown for years, was finally slowly being laid out before me.
Gunho stared only at the underside of the bench for a long time. His fingertips moved slowly. It seemed as though he were tracing the old wood grain, or perhaps just looking for something to grab onto.
Then, he opened his mouth in a low voice.
My family's situation has gotten worse.
“…….”
Something happened to my father's business... and it declined faster than expected.
Gunho spoke slowly. He seemed like someone who picks out and places down each word one by one. I couldn't tell if he was trying hard not to sound like an excuse, or if he really didn't know where to begin.
I was quite surprised inside, but I listened silently.
“At first, I thought it was just a temporary struggle. The adults said so, too.”
“…….”
But that wasn't the case. I had to sort out the house and move to a different neighborhood.
The night air felt a little chilly. Just moments ago, I thought it was a perfect night—neither hot nor cold—but now my fingertips felt like they were cooling down.
My parents knew.
Gunho said.
Your parents, too.
At those words, I blinked very slowly.
I remembered what my mom said that day.
Didn't Gunho tell you?
At the time, those words didn't sound strange. I was just so hurt by the fact that I didn't know that I couldn't think about the other things that followed. Mom knew. Dad did, too. Gunho's parents, too. The adults all knew, and I didn't.
I didn't know.
“…….”
You, and that something like that happened at your house as well.
“…….”
Even what my parents know.
Gunho's shoulders dropped just a little.
Because I didn't tell you.
“Why didn’t you tell me? You, and my parents, too.”
I spoke slowly to hide my emotions, but I couldn't help but let my disappointment show. Gunho couldn't answer my question immediately. Unaware of the frustration welling up inside me, he kept his mouth tightly shut. No, let's wait anyway. We're almost there. He's telling me right now.
And the words coming out of that mouth were things that would have been difficult for me to accept as a child.
Gunho started speaking again after quite a while.
I was embarrassed.
"what."
Just everything.
Gunho let out a brief laugh. It was closer to the sound of breath escaping than laughter.
“That our family was ruined. That we had to leave this neighborhood. That the lights were still on in your house while we were packing our bags.”
“…….”
I'm really ugly.
I did not answer.
I couldn't say whether that was right or wrong. We were too young back then, and I really didn't know anything. So I couldn't speak easily. Whether that kid was naive, or if I had learned too much too early.
Gunho continued speaking slowly.
You were always the same back then. Stopping by my house after school, coming up to the rooftop under the pretext of homework, and talking about all sorts of things.
Gunho lifted his head slightly.
Acting like you’ll definitely see me tomorrow too.
I pressed my lips together tightly.
The times I remember were peaceful. At least, they were from my perspective. After school, I would come home, eat dinner, go to the playground, and sometimes go up to the rooftop to watch the stars with Geon-ho. We would bicker sometimes, laugh sometimes, and then meet again the next day as if nothing had happened.
I realized for the first time that it might have been difficult for someone to endure.
I didn't like that.
"I?"
“…….”
Gunho remained silent for a moment, then continued.
You weren't at fault.
“…….”
But back then, I hated that you didn't know anything.
I felt strength building in my fingertips.
Gunho didn't look at the sky. This time, he kept looking down. I, too, was quietly gazing at his fingertips.
“You seemed like someone who could stay here forever. This house, this rooftop, your room—everything would stay the same. It seemed like you would just keep smiling, unaware of anything.”
“…….”
"For me, that's a little, yeah."
“…….”
I was annoyed. Back then.
His voice trembled ever so slightly at the end. With those words as his last, Gunho let out a sigh and closed his eyes.
I gazed at Gunho's profile. How much must that wretched heart have rotted inside all this time? Perhaps my foolish young friend possessed the maturity to not blame me, despite his young age.
You used to sleep over at my place quite often. But at some point, that started happening less frequently. Back then, I just felt hurt and jealous, wondering if you had made another friend. But now, I think I understand a little. Because I had simply hated that look on your face when you awkwardly smiled and refused me for no reason.
Then that day.
“…….”
The day he came all the way to my house.
“…….”
“Why did you come?”
He didn't answer for a while. This silence was longer than before. I looked at Gunho's profile for a moment, then lowered my gaze. Somewhere below the rooftop was a gate, and beyond it was an alley. Thinking that young Gunho must have stood somewhere in that alley a few years ago, it felt strangely unreal.
I was going to tell you.
Gunho let out a sarcastic laugh to himself and continued speaking. It probably wasn't easy for him to express his ugly emotions in words like this.
“…Both the lady and the gentleman were so kind.”
“…….”
You're still just a good kid, too.
“…….”
"It felt like I was the only one who had changed. I couldn't bring myself to go in while watching that."
“…….”
“……I felt inferior.”
“…….”
“Looking at your house brightly lit in the darkness.”
Gunho's voice grew low.
That statement was, in fact, the same as saying he hated me. How much he must have hated me. Me, who knew nothing. To young Gun-ho, who had matured so quickly, I must have been the one he hated the most. Even more than his own parents.
Gunho's eyes looked slightly red, perhaps due to the city lights. Was he holding back tears?
I should have answered, too. It would have been cool to just brush it off by saying, "What? Was that all?" But I simply couldn't muster that cheerful attitude. I just grew increasingly troubled along with him.
Gunho turned his head toward me, who remained silent. Soon, as tears of tangled complexity fell from my eyes, he looked at me with a surprised expression.
Why are you crying?
"…just."
“…….”
“I felt bad….”
A young child who knew nothing, showered with love by his parents, and unaware of the hardships of the world. Even if someone had reached out to me back then, all I could have offered was pity. That must have made Gunho feel even more conflicted.
I felt sorry about that. That I was naive, that I was someone who couldn't be relied upon. That Gunho, left all alone, had no pillar of support whatsoever, and that I couldn't be that support for him either.
Gunho carefully wiped the tears flowing down my cheek with his hand.
“I’m sorry. Even back then, I hated you even though I knew it wasn’t your fault.”
“…….”
At first, it was pride.
“…….”
After that, I felt guilty, so I couldn't contact you.
I listened quietly to those words. Hatred, pride, guilt.
There were years between those words. The time I resented Gunho. The time I deliberately averted my gaze from his face on TV. The time I brushed it off as if it were no big deal whenever Mom brought up Gunho.
And perhaps Gunho had another time as well.
A house I don't know, a neighborhood I don't know, nights I don't know.
“…I feel like I’m doing something wrong to you.”
“…….”
I've heard a lot.
“…….”
So I came.
“…….”
It's really late...
I couldn't say anything.
Yeah, it's really late. It's been years. In the meantime, we've grown up enough to live without each other.
"Sorry."
“…….”
I shouldn't have done that to you.
“…….”
I lowered my head. I didn't want to say I was okay. Because I wasn't okay.
However, when I thought of that young child who must have unraveled even more of their emotional knots on their own than I did, I actually felt sorry for them.
I opened my mouth only after quite a while.
Thanks for telling me today.
“…….”
Thank you for that.
Gunho's gaze wavered for a moment, then the corners of his eyes curved slightly. With a somewhat relaxed expression and a small smile, he looked at me.
"huh."
“…….”
"I'm grateful for even that much."
I averted my gaze for no reason.
The wind blew over the rooftop. The sky where the meteor shower had passed was quiet. There were not many stars, and the city lights were still bright.
Gunho didn't say anything for a while.
I didn't say anything either.
Instead, we sat on the same bench. It wasn't as light as before, nor was it as perfect as just moments ago. But at least this time, no one disappeared without a word.
It seemed as though the knot of emotion had been revealed truthfully for the first time.
That fact alone made tonight a little less bleak than before.
Now that I've written it, today feels a bit dark, haha..
