After a breakup, there are winners and losers. The one who broke it off first is the winner, and the one who kept holding on is the loser. In the end with you, I was the loser, and that made it even harder to let go of the broken string we shared. The string that had fallen off suddenly was too heavy to hold alone. My palms were covered in calluses. I kept the string stained with flesh and blood in a corner of my heart, and spent each day longing for it.
Just… just out of longing.
If I was in a lot of pain yesterday, I didn't try to suppress it, but let it flow into tears. I chewed and swallowed my longing, listening to your songs, which I rarely listened to. As each day passed, the longing began to rot away, one by one, in the treasure chest of emotions.
jimin park
How are you these days?
The sudden call made my heart race again. I thought I'd let it all out... but was it just some kind of avoidance? With all the distracting thoughts, I couldn't easily look at his message. I covered my phone and took a moment to collect my thoughts.
The memories I brought back quickly beautified my memory. The unstable memories, forgotten where they were, were now vividly resembling the small memories of us laughing and chatting together. After some time, I pulled out my phone and checked Jimin's message.
"Yeah, that's right, I lost. Remember what I said that day?"
.
.
.
"I regret loving you."
.
.
.
I wondered countless times when those words would finally fade. I searched for the meaning of regret, chewing over and over again, swallowing them. Whether it was hurt feelings or my own denial, I always swallowed them and pretended. Every day, my insides burned.
"I was scared. I thought you'd leave me someday. I wondered if being who we are now would eventually become toxic, harmful. Whenever I laughed and felt happy with you, I thought about that inside. I had more happy memories than anything else. So I ran away. Leaving you behind."
We were always twisted. Day and night were different.
‘Are you still at work?’
21:46
jimin
"Yeah. Go to sleep first. I have a company dinner today."
22:37
When I was having a good time, you were having a hard time.
"Jimin, where should we go after eating this?"
"It's already 7 o'clock. Should we go home?"
The small wound had now become a large, open wound, unable to heal. New skin hadn't even begun to grow, and it was only growing. I forced myself to keep applying the bandage, trying to console myself. Knowing that the Jimin I knew wasn't like this, I couldn't let go of his hand. The wound just kept growing.
"I can't do that anymore. No, I won't. I left first because I was afraid you'd leave, but I couldn't do that. I thought giving less love would at least make me feel better, but the less I gave, the more unhappy I became. I can't do it. I'm sorry... I'm sorry... Yeoju..."
The person who left first cried. At first, I thought he was a man with broad shoulders, taller than me, but now he was just another human being. He was just another person.
Bang-bang-
There was a sound at the front door. It was a cautious sound, neither too loud nor too soft. Feeling a strange sense of anticipation, I cautiously opened the door and looked outside.
“Hey, look at me… look at me.”
His face fell against my shoulder. He sniffled, his breathing becoming more labored, and he soon got up and rubbed his face.
“..What are you doing all of a sudden?”
"Contact me... I don't see you contacting me... If I tell you verbally, will you even listen?"
His lips were clearly trembling. His eyes, fixed on mine, followed my gaze. He was like an anxious puppy, unable to do anything but twitch his hands.
“I can’t do it.. I’m sorry.. I know it all sounds like excuses, contacting you out of the blue, coming to see you, crying like this.. I know I’m bad.”
“But you know I’m useless… and please forgive me even though you know that… please forgive me just this once.”
It felt empty, like a festival that had ended. The surroundings were being cleaned up, but I felt like I was left alone in the square, where everyone had left. The square, quiet and serene, was soon filled with people again as morning came. It quickly became heated again.
“I missed you”