12. 11. 10.
As the numbers affixed to the top of the elevator button descend toward 5, my palms become parched. The elevator stops with a heavy thud, and ding. The doors open, signaling the arrival of the fifth floor. A familiar, yet always new, scent wafts through the air.
"Park Jimin, you idiot."
"Wow, she's a natural born crazy bitch."
"Yeah~ It's late, so I'll load my wallet later."
"It wouldn't be weird if Kim Yeon-joo high-fived Satan, really."
"Your face."
When I hear the grumbling, I try to hide my expression and put on a mischievous expression, then I start to chime in too.Park Jimin, how can you not win once? Kim Yeoju, you're a devil's child too. Don't you already know that?A small bet that has become a daily routine. We find simple happiness in these small moments of daily life.
When we get off the elevator, Yeonju naturally takes the lead. She doesn't even forget to shift her bag to her front. When Jimin and I stand side by side, Yeonju turns around and starts talking.
"I have to eat bread today."
"I bet my thousand won that Kim Yeon-ju won't be able to eat lunch after eating bread."
"Then I'll bet my hand on Park Jimin."
"Why are you hanging on my wrist, you crazy bitch?"
As we arrived at the 7th class of the 2nd grade, exchanging small talk, Jimin and I stopped walking and waved to Yeonju, who was heading to 8th class.Fuck class! Fuck you!He shows off his fantastic tiki-taka until the end, and when he enters the classroom, his playful face disappears and he is seen taking a deep breath.
Anyone who's ever had a crush will tell you right from that behavior, but Jimin loves playing. He'd been suffering alone for a year, and early this year, he finally confided in me, whining about how hard it was. That's when, I think, he started whining to me, Kim Yeon-ju's twin sister. Things like, "Is unrequited love really this hard?" and "It hurts so bad I want to give up."
Then, I always pat you on the back and tell you that it will definitely come true someday. Even if it's painful, there are people who have it harder than you.
"Thank you for being my friend."
"I sent you the account. Please send 500,000 won for my friend's expenses."
"who are you?"
That person cries more, hides more, and waits for happiness.
"..but if he eats ice cream, he'll get a stomachache."
The more that happens, the more the person next to you hurts. Because their desire to see me grows.
You like Kim Yeon-ju.
And I've been waiting for you quietly for four years, even now.
The tedious math class arrived. At first, I tried to act like a model student and tried to write notes, but eventually, I stretched out one arm and scribbled on my textbook. From simple hearts to my signature. I returned to Zolaman and drew simple stars.
"...."
I glanced up, feeling like I might fall asleep in the drowsy atmosphere, but my eyes met with Park Jimin's. Despite having done nothing wrong, I was so startled that I let out a strange noise and stumbled, falling backward in my chair. The once-quiet classroom erupted in laughter, and my shame gauge soared.
The teacher covered his mouth and muttered, then soon banged on the desk to get the students' attention. He was quite quick.
"The heroine will be embarrassed too, so let's all turn our heads."
Oh my, I'm so grateful I'm crying. Really. Really...
I quickly sat up and continued to wipe my face. I pressed my forehead against the edge of my face, suppressing the tears that welled up in my eyes. I was so embarrassed. I sighed deeply and ran my fingers through my hair, when a paper airplane landed on the edge of the desk. Slowly, I raised my gaze and saw the owner of the two eyes I'd seen before.
'Read. Uh. Look.'
"...."
I carefully opened it, the mouth gesturing for me to read, and checked the contents. "Idiot..." Four crooked but clear letters and a question mark. "Idiot?" Whose fault is it? I gritted my teeth. Speechless, I glared at him with a murderous glare. As I stared intently, he repeatedly tapped the back of my hand, so I averted my gaze and checked the back of my hand. It was clean.
"?"
'Back. Side.'
Ah. The back. Sensing his intention, I quickly flipped the paper over and read the contents on the back. I felt my heart pound and my face flush at each short sentence. To hide my wandering gaze, I lowered my head and let out a soft breath.
It was cute. So don't be too harsh on me.
The sentences, written in rough script, vividly echoed the sound of my irregular heartbeat. The shame that had enveloped me just moments ago vanished. All that was left was my own dazed, flailing feet in the air.
I chuckled, but then I felt so foolish that I slapped my foot on the floor. The word "cute" came to mind again, and I swayed my feet. Don't get excited. Don't worry. It's just a word of comfort. Even though I knew it, even though I knew it... my mind activated its happiness circuit again.
"... ha."
It was cute. It was cute. It was cute. It was cute.
It was only for a moment, but I felt embarrassed.
And a simple, trivial sentence made my heart race and brought a smile to my face.
A week had passed since that day. Our trivial routines vanished. More precisely, the atmosphere had changed. Jimin, not even knowing how to play, began to follow me around and avoid me, blatantly avoiding me.
He, who had always been thrilled by the mere mention of Kim Yeon-ju, felt utterly unfamiliar. Far from feeling offended, a hint of resentment blossomed within me, a glimmer of hope. I considered ignoring him, but I knew clearly that if this relationship continued, it would become toxic. So, on a weekend afternoon, when Yeon-ju was out of the house, I called him.
"Why are you two doing that?"
"...."
"Aren't you going to say anything?"
"You didn't know?"
"what."
"Is there anyone who likes Kim Yeon-ju?"
A fountain of water gushed out of his mouth. Jimin wore a look of contempt, but he didn't have time to pay attention. The fact that Kim Yeon-joo had a crush on someone was even more shocking.
She'd never experienced even the most common unrequited love, let alone a serious one, but she had someone she liked. It was surprising, both as a twin sister and as a person. Jimin couldn't have ignored this fact. Ah, so that's why you'd been avoiding her. The thread that had shown no signs of unraveling began to loosen.
"Wow... It's like a fucking fantasy."
"...."
"So that's why the grass was so dead?"
"I know too. I know how serious he is about love."
"It's gone too far."
"...."
"But are you sure... are you crying?"
Don't cry. Then is the water on the table saliva?He chuckled at my words, then burst into tears like a child, and I was overcome with a strange emotion. I was so sincere. I still am. This is so hard.
I felt dazed, as if I'd been hit in the head. My appearance. I couldn't deny it. I could see myself in you now, unmistakably.
I see myself faintly in the sight of you, exhausted from unrequited love, sobbing and crying alone. I felt the need to comfort him, but I couldn't find a solution. I just cried. I cried silently under the stuffy blankets.
"...."
"Stop, let's stop...."
"...."
"One year has been so hard... how hard will the next year be..."
Four years are tough. How tough will the next be? That's right. How did I endure those four tough years? I could have just held on, but what's the point? I can't let you go.
After crying for 30 minutes, he awkwardly smiled and left. After he left, a silence ensued, broken only by my pitiful laughter. My laughter, a mixture of tears and sobs, filled the living room. It was both amusing and pitiful to see myself so pathetic.
It's so heartbreaking to see him cry like the world was falling apart for 30 minutes, so I can't imagine what it must have been like for me to live like that for 4 years.
Jimin. Park Jimin. Park Jimin.
...Jimin.
You cried saying that unrequited love is hard.
And as I was about to call you like that, I thought of myself and my throat got choked up and I cried.
The next day, Jimin came to our house, looking more normal than I expected. Yeonju, who was preparing to leave for a friend's appointment, suddenly ran out and stared at Jimin with startled eyes. He just smiled nonchalantly and entered the house.
Yeonju went into her room, telling her friends that she would break her promise, and then she moved to the sofa, her mouth wide open in curiosity.
"Isn't it better than you thought?"
"...."
"And this."
"chocolate?"
"Thank you for listening yesterday."
"Did you come here to give me this?"
"That too, and I wanted to see it."
"....!"
Was he thrilled by the small gift, or by the words "I missed you"? Either way, it was Park Jimin who made him flutter. Knowing who he was made him flutter, his heart raced again. The image of him sobbing yesterday was still vivid, and I couldn't control myself.
"I'm going to try again."
"...."
"There must be some people who have been doing it for more than a year. I feel a bit... embarrassed because I cried so much yesterday."
"ah."
"I'm sorry. I know you had a hard time yesterday."
"No, it's okay."
"...."
"....?"
I rolled my eyes, avoiding his piercing gaze. The moment I lowered my gaze, I felt a cold hand on my eye. I flinched and met his gaze. Everywhere he caressed my eye, it seemed to flush red.
"Did you cry too?"
"... uh?"
"Your eyes are red. They also look a little swollen."
"... ah."
"Jimin! I broke my promise!!"
Yeonju burst out of the room and onto my lap. Great timing. Thanks to her clever intervention, I didn't have to bother with an excuse. Even as I caught my breath in relief, Yeonju continued to murmur and express her displeasure to Jimin.
"Why did you avoid me?" "Are you planning to break up?" She would always offer childish excuses, just like Kim Yeon-ju. Her honesty was so obvious. If this was her charm, then it was her charm.
"..you two talk."
"you?"
"Just in the room."
"Stay together."
"it's okay."
"...Okay. Come in."
As soon as I entered the room and closed the door, I collapsed, limp and weak. His gentle touch once again seemed to linger on my fingertips. Surprisingly, in that short time, my heart raced. I'm sure I cried until my head split open yesterday, squeezing out tears. But then, as if nothing had happened, I felt a thrill of excitement.
My situation was a Möbius strip. That was it.
I laugh when I'm in pain, I smile when I'm resentful, and then I get hurt again and cry.
The place where you try to avoid pain, only to crave that fleeting sweetness and create new wounds, will never heal. It will only deepen and deepen. A strong pull that draws you back, even through the pain. Strength fills the hand holding the chocolate.
Maybe. I just wanted to enjoy a fleeting moment of happiness. Maybe I wanted to keep tasting it, even if it meant getting hurt a few times.
I ask about the past because I just want to feel a little sweetness.
".. I like you. I'll like you by myself, so don't feel pressured."
You told your love the truth.
And I added hope to the wounds, knowing that it would hurt without me even knowing it.
The bright pastel background. The sight of us facing each other, smiling shyly and then kissing affectionately was beautiful. Without further ado, just… beautiful. That short word defined it. Park Jimin. Kim Yeo-joo. A conversation where no one else was mentioned. Deep, search-like eyes that only reflected me. The moment when everything revolved around us was bliss.
"My lady."
"huh?"
"Do you like me?"
"... huh."
"okay."
"you also,"
"But I like playing, you know that."
"... uh?"
The pink-tinged background suddenly darkened, obscuring my vision. You know that, right? You know I love to play. Do you want me to love you? Would that make me happy? The cruel truth tormented me. I covered my ears, but it still persisted. I screamed and groaned, but it persisted.
You know, why are you trying to avoid it?
Fear drove me to the edge of a cliff. Question marks stabbed sharply into my spine. Struggling with pain, I begged for help, but all I could see were Yeonju and Jimin, muttering to each other. No one reached out.
"... stop."
Stop. Please...As my voice left my mouth, the background wasn't dark. Instead of harsh facts, I heard the sound of raindrops hitting the window, and my back was soaked with sweat, not question marks. This was a dream. Even though I knew it was a dream, the tears wouldn't stop. I pressed my teeth against my lower lip and swallowed the sound, but they continued to flow.
A dream that was happy but hellish.
A fucking dream that seems to confirm things I already knew.
It was that exact moment. The moment I smiled after receiving chocolate from you last night. Later, sleep overtook me and I lay down in bed. Then, I found myself in a situation I didn't want to face. I tried to stop crying, but it was useless. I was already clutching my knees tightly, sobbing.
I'm innocent. Why am I suffering from this nightmare? Ah. Is it a sin to wish for my own happiness? What would it have been like if Yeonju hadn't existed? If I were Yeonju, would Jimin have liked me? Is it a sin to even think about it?
"...."
I wish the dream would just fade from my mind as quickly as possible, like any other ordinary dream.
Annoyingly, the nightmare haunted me all morning, and I had to go to school exhausted. Jimin and Yeonju sat down next to me, smiling as usual, perhaps after a successful conversation last night. I breathed a sigh of relief, but that thought didn't last long.
As soon as I entered the school, the whispers intensified. Kim Yeon-ju and Park Jimin. Those two names became the subject of rumors. They became the subject of countless gossip and heated stares. The rumors were as follows:
Hey. Who saw those two kissing in the alley?
It's provocative. Yes, it's a subject that appeals to teenagers. But what makes me uneasy is the two people next to me who don't make any excuses. Kim Yeon-joo, who values love, and Park Jimin, who values consideration for others. These two are so calm.
"What's for lunch today?"
"Donkatsu."
"Oh, then I should eat two~"
"You're not stealing what's mine, are you?"
"How did you know?"
"It's like this."
Their nonchalant behavior makes me even more anxious. It's almost to the point where I want to deny it. If the silence continues, it'll be tantamount to admitting it's true. But what if it's true? What if they kissed last night while I was asleep?
...Let's ask them directly. Then you'll get a definitive answer.
I'd vowed to ask a thousand times, but unlike my head, my lips were trembling. I could have just reached out and asked, but my body wouldn't follow.
"Kim Yeo-ju."
"Huh?"
"Where does it hurt?"
"... no?"
"I don't think so. You look more tired than usual."
"... No. It's okay."
I hesitated, unable to even ask the simple question, and as I continued to evade it, the last period arrived. The bell signaling the end of school rang, and the crowds of people quickly disappeared. I, too, hastily grabbed my bag and headed for Jimin's seat, but it was empty. Was I one of those people?
As I was crossing the third-floor hallway, I caught sight of Jimin's blue umbrella through the window. If I ran now, I could catch it in time. I descended the stairs without stopping, out of sync, and in no time, I arrived at the first floor. Even as I was breathing heavily and trying to figure out where to go, I found him again.
"jimin...."
Thud. Thud. My voice is lost in the noise. Jimin, under the blue umbrella, looks at you and can't continue speaking. To be precise, it was more because of the performance next to him.
I'd overlooked the colorful umbrellas surrounding the blue one. All the reasons began to appear, one by one. The way they'd accepted the rumors so readily. The way they stood proudly together, despite the many stares, looking happy.
My legs suddenly lose strength, and my face contorts. It feels like a déjà vu from a recent nightmare. Maybe that dream wasn't my fault.
Wasn't that a warning that wasn't a warning?
It's a consideration to anticipate the pain soon. I don't need such a lousy consideration. I can smell blood from the tender flesh in my mouth. It's emptiness itself. The wall that had precariously stood between unrequited love and the opposite sex for four years crumbles in an instant.
You smiled brightly as if you owned the world.
And then I broke down and cried as if I had lost everything in the world.
The moment I most desperately wanted to avoid was right before my eyes. A four-person table. The atmosphere was subdued. I sat on one side, while Jimin and Yeonju stared at me hesitantly. I wondered what they were going to say. I knew it perfectly well, but I didn't open my mouth.
The suffocating silence stretched on for five minutes. Jimin, not me, opened his mouth. "I like playing," he said. His strength drained, his eyes twitching, but he maintained a firm poker face.
"That day, the day I gave you chocolate."
"...."
"I told Yeonju everything that day."
"... ah."
"My unrequited love and my heart, without exception."
"...."
"After saying everything and going back home, Yeonju catches me."
He said he liked me too. That's why we started dating. The rumors... It's embarrassing, but it's true. I'm sorry I couldn't say anything.
They probably expected me to say those words, but the answer came quickly: disappointment and a hint of betrayal. They'd never imagined unrequited love. So how should I react? Should I smile and congratulate them? Should I get angry and feel betrayed? Or should I cry and tell them everything?
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you in advance..."
"I'm sorry, ma'am."
Which choice would be best for me? I quickly came up with many options, and the one I chose was:
escape.
I fled, as if avoiding a place. I didn't turn around when my name was called, and I ignored any calls. I just went where my feet led me. I walked and walked, and only when I felt a pain in my feet did I stop.
"...."
It was a love that began with the expectation of a tragic ending. It's sad. It hurts, it hurts.
Kim Yeo-ju, fourteen years old. This selfish and foolish Yeo-ju.
I hated the fact that the unrequited love that Kim Yeo-ju had started when she was fourteen was still tenaciously holding onto at eighteen. I hated the fact that the love I'd started out of a daze and curiosity was ruining me.
Park Jimin. I still love you, but I feel like this feeling of love is becoming toxic. So I've decided to forget you. I know it won't be easy, but I don't want to keep shrugging my shoulders and keeping my mouth shut.
"... My lady."
You called me.
And I didn't answer because I wanted to forget you.
"Hey, lady. Kim Yeoju."
"...."
"Open the door, okay?"
"...."
"Let's talk face to face."
"...."
My escape wasn't over. I ignored Yeonju's voice in my room and refused Jimin's calls. In the dark room, my unfocused eyes reflected in the mirror. It felt like a dream. Literally, "similar." If dreams obscured everything with cruel truth, now, even when facing reality, I closed my eyes and covered my ears.
He was just standing still, saying he would sort it out.
Just me. If only Kim Yeo-joo could sort things out, everything would go back to normal. Eighteen-year-old Kim Yeo-joo was no different than she was in the past. Selfish. She started this knowing it wouldn't work, yet she held on to endless hope. Even though she knew everything. Even though she knew everything.
"Jimin...."
Selfish me can't let you go.
"Kim Yeo-ju. I've prepared food for you on the table."
"...."
"... Come out and eat today. I can only endure so much."
"...."
"I'm going to meet a friend."
So please come out and eat something.
Tsk. Tsk. Tsk. I heard the door lock click, and only then did I open it. Just opening the door allowed a bright light to pour in. It was because I'd been living so tightly shut, blocking out every ray of sunlight.
I went into the bathroom right outside my room and examined my appearance. The me I saw in the mirror was a bit, maybe a lot, a mess. Gaunt skin, unfocused eyes. I hung my head helplessly. I realized how much a person can be ruined in a week. How much love can destroy a person. I realized it again.
I brushed my hair back, lifted my gaze from the floor, and left the bathroom. At the same time, I froze and gasped for air.
".. My lady."
"...."
"Why are you like this..."
"...."
"...it's broken."
Park Jimin. Jimin is standing in front of me.
The man I longed for, both in my dreams and in reality, stood before my eyes, clearly visible. Jimin's gaze, filled with worry, pierced a corner of my heart. "You still don't know. Why am I doing this?"
I tried to run away again. Until the tears I'd thought were dried up began to stream down my cheeks. The tears fell faster, and my breathing became ragged. I tried to hide them, wiping them with my sleeve, but Jimin's hand stopped me, completely crushing me.
My mind went blank. I felt like my innermost feelings would spill out at any moment, so I tried to keep my mouth shut while crying, but Jimin grabbed my hands tightly, and I failed. In the end, I burst into tears and the words poured out in torrents.
"I like you..."
"... My lady."
"Since four years ago... I... liked you so much... that's why..."
"...."
"Even though I know you like playing, I still get greedy..."
That's why I hid. Because I love you so much.
But now it hurts so much. I wanted to see you before I left, but seeing you makes me sick. I feel guilty, and I feel bad for Yeonju and you, so I can't see you.
I'm so selfish I can't do anything.
".. My lady."
"...."
"My lady."
"...."
"..how hard it must have been."
"...."
"You worked hard. I like it."
"...."
"I like you." What could those words have made me laugh and cry? They're just words that pass by in a flash. What was it that we were so struggling with? Jimin kept stroking my back until I stopped crying. He kept telling me, "You've worked hard."
I calmed down a bit and looked him in the eye. It was a face I'd been seeing consistently for four years. I could tell Jimin's slightest shift in expression like a ghost. I'd seen him every single day, without fail. How he was when he played. How he was when he looked at me. I could easily tell what emotions he was feeling.
And he, Park Jimin, even now, you see me as nothing more or less than a friend. You see me as just Kim Yeo-joo.
Knowing that fact better than anyone, I turned my head and walked forward, looking only ahead. As I walked, I hoped someone would hold me back and love me. When no one held me back, I turned around. Love had vanished, and only doubt followed me. Emptiness and loss. Only those feelings.
It was never a lie that love is self-harm. Especially when it's unrequited love.
I want to stop hurting. But I can't let you go. I need to stop loving to stop self-harming, but I couldn't stop loving, and that's how it got to this point. If I hadn't known about Jimin from the beginning, would Kim Yeo-joo be okay now? From the beginning. From the beginning. Ah, why did I only think of this now?
"...Jimin."
"Yes, my lady."
"...I can't erase you."
"...."
"I still love you so much."
"...."
Instead of forgetting Jimin, just forget the day you liked him.
I'm so selfish, I can't let him go, so if I forget about the Kim Yeo-joo I had a crush on at the age of fourteen, I can go back to the beginning.
I clasped his hand, which had been resting on my wrist. No words were exchanged. Only the sound of his rasping breaths filled the house, and a calmer atmosphere settled in. My panting stopped, and my mind felt considerably calmer. Unlike usual, I didn't grin or hesitate, but instead spoke his name.
"...."
"Jimin."
"...."
"Park Jimin."
"Yes, Kim Yeo-ju."
"You must live your life being loved."
"...."
"..I really liked it."
Don't start, don't get excited, don't get hurt, and don't finish alone. Don't be a fool like me and do everything alone, Jimin.
I loved it so much. Really so much. I won't regret those moments.
At the end of my words, Jimin's gaze returned to mine. We stared at each other in silence, I cautiously opened my arms, and Jimin fell into my embrace. "As a friend. You're such a good friend." And so, until the meal Yeonju had prepared had cooled, we rubbed each other's backs and shed tears.
You left me as your friend Kim Yeo-ju.
And I decided to erase the day I loved you like that.
The next day, I packed my bags to go down to Busan, where my parents lived. It was a day's choice, but my parents welcomed me with open arms, urging me to hurry. Instead, Yeonju cried and blocked my way. Jimin barely managed to stop her, but if he hadn't, I probably wouldn't have been able to leave the house.
"How can you go so suddenly like this!"
"...I'm sorry."
"Hey... where are you going all of a sudden..."
"...are you crying?"
"Don't cry!"
"Wow, I thought it was Park Jimin."
"Shit..."
Kim Yeon-ju. I can hear everything. Jimin, who had been embracing Yeon-ju, whispered softly, and Yeon-ju flinched from his embrace. A chuckle escaped her lips at the sight of the unmistakable figures.
Only when the Busan-bound train arrived and the people standing nearby started to leave one by one did it really sink in. Yeonju, her pride shattered, let out a strange noise and cried like a child, while Jimin just stared at her with a bitter smile.
"I'm going."
"Yeah. Bye."
"Kim Yeon-ju, don't bother Park Jimin."
"I'll definitely go during summer vacation..."
"...don't come."
"I'm going."
"Don't come!"
"I'm not going with Kim Yeon-ju, so you go quickly. The train is about to depart."
Okay, I'm going.I got on the train and found my seat. I turned my head to the window and saw Kim Yeon-joo and Park Jimin sobbing. I'd expected Yeon-joo to cry, but seeing Jimin cry too made my eyes burn. I'm going to cry again.
I stared intently at Jimin, who was waving at me. Our eyes lingered on each other's. "Goodbye." His curt mouth gave me pause, then I opened my mouth.
I liked it.
It was only when the train departed and the two disappeared from sight that the emotions I had been suppressing came pouring out.
I'm going to forget about Kim Yeo-joo, who liked Park Jimin.
Same unrequited love. Different ending.
You feel the sweetness of unrequited love and are left with bitterness.
And then I felt bitter from unrequited love and left you to prepare for a new, sweet love.
