“Park Chanyeol!”
“Yeah, how is it?” I didn’t see a hint of regret on his face, instead it was obvious he was looking for a defense. “Ah, you know, Jongdae, that we’re still in college, and our semester exams are coming up and we have to start studying seriously. I just don’t want your future to be ruined by taking care of that creature inside your body,” he said lightly, as if what we were doing was for the future, like studying! Liar! I rarely even see him read a book!
I stared at Chanyeol's face for a long moment, my ears burning and ringing. My soul felt like it was no longer in its place—my body's reaction was shock when, without warning, he touched my face. "Listen, I love you so much, Dae. This might sound cruel, but I'm doing this for you. For God's sake. Everything I do is for your own good."
Chanyeol brought his face closer to mine, he closed his eyes; wanting to kiss me. But once not, this was enough, I'm not a fool who will be happy to be fooled for the umpteenth time. Your bodies were still naked when with full force I pushed his chest away. "You don't love me, Chan!" I stared at Chanyeol's face blankly. The irises opened probingly. "Hate to say this, but I finally realized you were just playing with me, you're a sociopath! You're not human!" At that moment, I really poured out my frustration, I continued to beat his chest brutally, completely disgusted with myself to the point of feeling like I was going to die. "You have no heart!"
“How could you say such a cruel thing, Dae?” Chanyeol said in disbelief. He looked away. “I love you—”
“If you loved me, you wouldn’t have ruined me in the first place!” I shouted. My chest heaved with anger, and I hated saying this.
The smile returned to his flawlessly handsome face, the smile I always adored and feared, a smile that was utterly enchanting. "Don't you also like me broken?" he concluded lightly. "You never truly reject anything I do to you; you enjoy it."
Now I blame my weak self.
Everyone, what Chanyeol said wasn't entirely true, but my conscience couldn't deny it. Was I the bad guy in this story? So I deserved everyone's hatred?
“Kim Jongdae,” Chanyeol called seductively, “why do you dare to contradict me now? Why are you blaming me now? Is it because you no longer love me?”
Right, I'm at fault here too.
“Is it because of your cousin?” Chanyeol’s face hardened. “Answer me! Why are you mute when you dared to shout at me earlier?” Chanyeol, the man’s face was now so close to the nape of my neck that I could feel his warm breath. My entire body felt frozen in fear, a threat, a tiger right in front of my face right now. “Scared?”
I shook my head. My tongue felt numb, the back of my neck felt like it had been hit hard by a hammer, and my emotions were all mixed up. I hate this feeling! This situation! Park Chanyeol, hate-hate-hate!
“Please!”
I reflexively shielded my face with my arm when Chanyeol suddenly raised his hand high; about to slap me. My body trembled violently, I knew that tonight Chanyeol was truly furious at my rebellion. Although I didn't feel the slap on my face or any other part of my body, my entire body still trembled with fear.
I'm scared. Really scared.
Afraid of someone I love.
Even though I'm used to it, I'm never ready. Never will be.
I dared to peek when I heard her laugh erupt. It was a laugh I loved so much I even collected it. A warm, crisp laugh, that's all anyone knew, except what I knew.
I consciously felt around the mattress, searching for my phone. However, my hands came back empty. "Chan, I—" I almost screamed when Chanyeol suddenly hugged me and kissed my forehead long and deep. It felt like my forehead was touching the edge of his kiss.
After that, he picked up his clothes and left me alone in this room.
🥀🥀
A
I still remember how shortly after Chanyeol left me in the room, he returned with a tray of food. He told me to give me some time to think about aborting this fetus before opening the door the next morning and demanding my answer.
I used to be like that: innocent—though now more often fooled by my own boyfriend—brave, warm, and just like most teenagers. Until one day, I experienced what it was like to fall in love for the first time. A love I've managed to hold onto to this day.
I don't know what time it is when since last night I just stayed in front of the window—looking out—with an empty mind. There are many things I think about, father, mother, extended family, friends, my dreams, and this tiny, nameless creature in my stomach. It feels so strange when every morning I fill my stomach with bread or rice when the worms inside are struggling with hunger, then excrete it through my anus, but now, suddenly there is something in here, something alive and moving, every minute growing bigger, making my stomach that never bloated even though I ate 10 plates of ramyeon alone now enlarged.
Yesterday, I patiently convinced myself that this was just a nightmare, a nightmare that would soon disappear once I woke up. So in that dream, I searched for everything, doing everything that would make me wake up by any means, even if it would hurt myself. But as soon as I fell asleep and woke up in what I thought was a dream, I suddenly realized. That the nightmare I thought was a dream was reality, while the beautiful dream I thought was reality was actually a dream.
Dilemmas were hitting me in multiple directions at once. On one hand, I didn't want to disappoint Chanyeol, I loved him, so stupidly, even though I knew how toxic he was in my life. However, on the other hand, I also wanted to keep this fetus. He didn't do anything wrong, we as his prospective parents were the ones at fault, even though I didn't plan his presence, that didn't mean he was unwanted. This unformed child also deserved to live and be happy just like me, he deserved affection.
I sighed tiredly, stroking my still-flat stomach. “Which one of you should I choose?” He was only a month and a half old. No one knew where he was except me, Chanyeol, and God—
Lord ...?
The back of my neck suddenly prickled, I felt uneasy. “Is God angry with me?” Now I was even more confused. “If I choose Chanyeol, that means I’m a murderer, right?” I didn’t want to be a murderer! I’m not that kind of cruel murderer, I wasn’t raised that way!
I jumped in surprise when the bedroom door suddenly opened. Chanyeol's towering figure entered, neatly dressed and carrying a tray of food. The smile was clearly forced, pinching the other side of my wounded heart, forcing me out of my hope and into the painful reality.
“Good morning, Dae,” Chanyeol shouted.
I didn't answer, my whole body was stiff. I hadn't made a decision yet—
“How is that thing in your stomach?”
All my joints were tense, it felt like there were millions of billions of electric currents flowing through my blood.
Chanyeol took a seat next to me. I reflexively backed away, my eyes never leaving his movements, every inch of which seemed like a threat to me.
“Hey, why are you so quiet?” Chanyeol’s hand reached out for my face. Unconsciously, I slapped it away roughly, leaving the shock evident on his face.
“I-I…” My gaze couldn’t leave Chanyeol’s eyes. “I-he’s fine.”
My eyes widened when Chanyeol touched my stomach. I swallowed hard, my stomach suddenly churning and my head spinning. Chanyeol's gaze unblinking as he stared at my stomach, wrapped in the cardigan I'd worn last night. "He hasn't grown much yet, has he?" Chanyeol muttered.
I smiled inwardly. Is this what a miracle means?
“If he were killed, he wouldn’t be too much trouble for you, would he?” he continued, which immediately made my heart skip a beat. “I was here last night.searching"And I just found out that aborting the pregnancy is a big risk to the mother's safety. Luckily, the creature in your belly isn't too big yet, so even if it's thrown out, it won't be too much of a problem for you."
My tears were already flowing uncontrollably. I shouldn't have expected so much from a sociopath like him!
"What decision have you made, Kim Jongdae?" Chanyeol asked. It sucked all my consciousness out of me. "I knew you wouldn't disappoint me." Chanyeol smiled again. For some reason, I was starting to hate that smile, and I wanted to chop him to pieces right now with all my strength.
Chanyeol's hand reached out to stroke my hair. The smile still lingered on his face. I took a breath. "Yes." I paused. "This time I won't let myself down again!"
I don't know where the courage came from, but I pushed the tray of food Chanyeol was carrying, scattering it all over the floor. His eyes looked shocked by what I had done, repeatedly looking at the food and at me.
I stood up, got out of bed, and walked over the broken plates, ignoring the potential injury to my feet. I winced when I accidentally stepped on a piece of glass. But who cares? There were more important things right now: getting as far away from Park Chanyeol as possible.
The door seemed to run away when Chanyeol grabbed my wrist. “I thought you loved me.”
I could still hear Chanyeol's soft words. I laughed out loud, jerking his hand away with all my might. My hand slipped away as I stared back at the bead. "I thought you loved me too!" I yelled, turning his words back on him. "You're sick!"
My head felt like it was thrown back when Chanyeol slapped me again, hehehe, his palm was even bigger than my face, it felt like being hit with a sandbag. I winced, tears falling again. Even though I repeatedly assured myself that I was a strong young man, it seemed to be no use; in the end, the universe had created me weak. This was my fate.
"We're very late," Chanyeol said softly, looking at his watch anxiously.
I shook my head to calm my dizziness. At the same time, Chanyeol picked me up and walked quickly toward the main door. He repeatedly muttered the word "love"—which sounded fake to my ears.
Chanyeol sat me on his motorcycle, put my helmet on, and guided my hands to hug his strong back. “Hug me, I don’t want you to fall and get hurt.” Chanyeol put on his own helmet and got ready to start the engine.
The air was still very cold, with dew dripping from the leaves, making me think it was probably still 6 a.m. "Where are we going?" I wondered.
“To a place that will solve our problems.”
“Where is it?” My heart told me the opposite of what Chanyeol said.
Instead of answering, Chanyeol got off his motorcycle. He crouched down below me, staring at my bare feet, which were bleeding slightly.
“Is your leg okay?” Chanyeol pulled a handkerchief from his back pocket. He gently wiped away the blood. I winced when Chanyeol accidentally touched my torn skin. He bandaged the wound with his handkerchief. “There should be bandages and antiseptic.” Chanyeol stroked my hair. He smiled faintly. “Be patient, I’ll treat you soon.”
After Chanyeol put on my shoes. We really did get out of the housing complex. Throughout the journey my thoughts were only filled with where Chanyeol would take me. I examined every building there, wondering if I had ever passed that street, while my mouth was tightly shut even if it was to ask our destination because I was afraid the answer I would get would not match my already soaring expectations. My foot was injured and Chanyeol was worried about it, there were bandages and antiseptics there, so wasn't it very clear that our destination was the hospital. I felt my chest filled with hope again. But back to reality, in this world there are so many types of hospitals.
My back, which was usually the most comfortable place to sleep, now felt as hard as a cold shell. I stared at it sadly, unsure of what decision I would make. Everything was so confusing, even if I had 100 years, I still wasn't sure it would be easy.
Turning my face away from Chanyeol's back, which was much taller than mine, I opened my helmet visor. I felt the morning breeze blow against my sleepy face. I returned to observing the buildings and other vehicles that—
Jungyeol's bubble tea shop?
Flashback.
“You know, Dae?”
“I don't know.”
“Tsk, listen to me first.”
“1 glass of bubble tea to listen to your gossip.”
"Cold!"
"So?"
"A few blocks from here, there's an abortion clinic that's now legal. They announced this after the government legalized abortion in our country."
“Uh, why are you telling me something like this? It's so useless.”
“Just gossiping, this new policy is currently being widely discussed on the Pann site, you know!”
Flashback end.
My stomach churned, and then the nausea came as I remembered what Jungyeol had said three months ago. I glanced timidly at Chanyeol's face. He wouldn't do that to me, would he?
But what about what he said at home earlier? I felt like I was going to go crazy, jumping off a speeding motorcycle and rolling ridiculously across the asphalt, then, if I was unlucky, getting run over by a car and dying a ridiculous death right then and there.
Chanyeol's motorcycle pulled into a small clinic and stopped in the parking lot. My head felt like it was going to explode as I imagined what was about to happen to me. Because that was the place Jungyeol had mentioned.
“What is this place?” I couldn’t hide my curiosity any longer. I wanted Chanyeol to be honest!
“Your wound needs to be treated immediately,” Chanyeol answered quickly without turning his attention to the clinic.
Chanyeol took off his helmet as I stumbled off the motorcycle. I took off my helmet first and pushed the motorcycle until it landed on Chanyeol's body.
"Kim Jongdae!"
I covered my ears tightly as Chanyeol's scream was so deafening that everyone around turned around in confusion. It was a good thing, because it forced my aching legs to keep running away from him. I didn't know if he was chasing me or not. But I knew several people had come to help him up.
My eyes darted among the passing vehicles. I instinctively hailed a taxi and got in without asking. "Please take me to this address," I pleaded in a trembling voice. I showed him my bracelet engraved with my home address.
The taxi driver—a man—who looked to be in his late 40s nodded. I leaned back and breathed a sigh of relief as the taxi pulled away from the clinic.
I rubbed my face roughly, tears welling up in my eyes in just a few minutes. I fumbled in my pockets for my phone, but when I found it, it was already dead.
I let out a rough breath. Was this decision right? I kept the fetus that would most likely be an obstacle in my life like what Chanyeol said? Then what about my parents? I'm the youngest child, they must be disappointed, they always boast about me.
What if it turns out that the decision I made was wrong?
“Sorry, Sis. We’ve arrived.”
I shook my head vigorously. No! I couldn't be swayed by Chanyeol's words. I'd already decided not to be the murderer of my own flesh and blood. He deserved to be happy, even if it meant sacrificing my own.
"We've arrived, Sis."
I turned to the figure sitting in the driver's seat. He made a bowing gesture before handing over a few sheets of paper.won. “Thank you very much, sir,” I said as the taxi was about to leave.
I walked home wearily. A lot had happened in the past few hours. And now I had to give Mom and Dad a logical reason why I hadn't come home last night, and find the right time to tell them about my pregnancy, which wasn't going to be easy considering I was still in my second semester.
I opened the door, a little surprised to find that mornings, usually filled with Mom and Dad's petty arguments, were now even the lights and curtains were off and drawn. I took off my shoes at the door and changed into my house slippers.
“Appa! Eomma!”I called out to them. I walked to the fridge, grabbed a bottle of cold water, and gulped it down until it was half full. I breathed a sigh of relief as the clear liquid quenched my hunger.
I rummaged through the fridge again, looking for anything I could eat right away without the hassle of cooking. "Bread will do," I said happily when I found whole wheat bread and a small jar of chocolate glaze.
I closed the refrigerator, brought the bread and slei to the table, and silently devoured it. Each time I swallowed, the energy boost made my brain work much more efficiently. I smiled, touched by the sweetness my tongue tasted.
Even though I was a little surprised why Mom and Dad hadn't come down yet, I was quite relieved by the quiet atmosphere, at least I still had more time to prepare myself before telling the truth.
Consciously, I stroked the flat belly that was his temporary home. “Sorry, okay?Junior,” I regretted. When I remembered that he might be born without a father figure, it was okay, because I was here to be his father. Even though he would face many difficulties when he was born, I would make sure he wouldn't lack love. The tears flowed again, this time more tight and painful, I felt like repeating what I shouldn't have done.
“There’s no need to be sad, okay?” I spoke optimistically to the fetus, encouraging myself. “You’re safe now…” The smile that had crept onto my face only lasted a split second before I finally saw the figure standing leaning back with its arms crossed, looking down at my insignificant existence.
Just as Chanyeol smiled, I got up from my spot and immediately ran upstairs to my room.
Chanyeol gave chase. I quickened my pace, my fists clenched in front of my chest. My heartbeat was racing, my brain constantly sending out danger signals. “Ash!” My ankle twisted and I fell to the ground. I could feel Chanyeol standing in front of me. With what little courage I had managed to muster, I looked up at him. “Go!”
“Not until the creature is dead,” he said firmly. Chanyeol crouched down and roughly dragged me away.
“Mom!”I screamed for my mother.“Appa!”However, they never came. It was as if they weren't even in the house.
Chanyeol chuckled, “They entrusted you to me.”
I tried to break free, but Chanyeol's grip only tightened. "Let go, it hurts!"
Chanyeol sat me down where I had been, grabbed a glass of water, and opened a small bottle from his jacket pocket. My heart pounded as Chanyeol pulled out three round, green pills. I didn't feel any benefit from them.
Chanyeol took 3 pills of the medicine in one handful, forcing me to open my mouth to put in the medicine that I didn't know what its function was.
“Open your cat’s mouth, Dae!” he snapped.
I shook my head hard, Chanyeol forced my mouth open and it hurt. I didn't know what Chanyeol was going to do when he shoved the pills into my mouth. One of Chanyeol's hands released the grip on my jaw, moving to the nape of my neck. His face approached mine, pressing his lips against mine and forcing me to swallow what he had shoved into my mouth through his.
My tongue tried to resist and push it out, while Chanyeol's tongue pushed in. However, the bitter taste of the medicine made me realize that the medicine had started to melt and enter my body.
Once again my tears came out in vain.
Chanyeol pulled his face away. My eyes were misty, and my head was getting dizzy. Although faint, I could see Chanyeol smiling regretfully. I didn't know what happened next as the black mist began to engulf my consciousness, with someone embracing my body.
🥀🥀🥀