Season 2_Jang Ma-eum, an orphan with a family of 13
#12_The best comfort comes from a friend
A month has already passed, and yet I'm lost, trapped in my own thoughts.
What would it feel like to be loved by your parents? How profound would that love be?
I felt like I would never know for the rest of my life.
If your love was that desperate, you wouldn't have abandoned me and told me to die.
The place I was abandoned wasn't an orphanage, nor was it a crowded place. It was a deserted bus stop in the early morning.
For some reason, it was a place where I would have abandoned that two-year-old baby, hoping he would die.
I still can't go to the bus stop alone at dawn.
It was still a trauma, a memory that continued to haunt me.
The most painful thing was that I couldn't tell anyone about this.
My elementary school days and orphanage experiences, and the hardships of middle school and high school.
I met good people, and I was healed by them, so my wounds probably healed a little.
At least when I recall it, it didn't hurt.
But it still hurts.
Because it's something I can't even tell my Seventeen members, friends, or Chanyeol oppa.
Just thinking about that bus stop at dawn brought tears to my eyes.
이찬
“Jang Ma-eum.”
Why did Chan-i come in without knocking?
He was looking at me with a serious expression, a rare sight in private.
장여주
“Yeah, why is that?”
He sat facing me without answering my question.
이찬
“What are you thinking about these days?”
장여주
"Out of the blue? Why are you suddenly like this, Chan-ah?"
I tried to avoid answering, but he held onto my chair as it spun around and looked me in the eye.
이찬
“I feel like I’m lost.”
Chan-i's short, casual remarks struck a chord in me.
But there was no trace of malice in him.
It was as painful as stabbing a needle into my skin again to suture the torn area.
장마음
“…What should I do?”
It was a moment I desperately wanted to avoid, a moment I desperately wanted.
The moment I tell them about how I was abandoned.
이찬
“Trust me just once, heart.”
Chani, who always looked young, looked especially mature today.
His eyes were telling me to trust him.
장마음
“…Chan-ah.”
I barely managed to hold back my tears and called Chan-i's name.
I feel it again, but a name is sublime. Because it calls to that person's soul.
이찬
"huh."
장마음
“…Actually, I’m so scared.”
I said that much, and he seemed to be holding back tears as well.
I wondered how much I could say without shedding tears, but what I needed right now were tears.
장마음
“I was abandoned.”
이찬
“That… I had a rough idea.”
장마음
"But even that purpose was death. They abandoned a mere two-year-old to die."
장마음
“I still remember it vividly. But… I’m the only one who’s reliving it.”
장마음
“I know full well that the more I think about it, the more painful and scary it becomes, but I still do it.”
장마음
“I hope that when I reminisce, I will at least remember my parents’ faces.”
장마음
"You keep taking me out, cutting me down, and repeating the process of making me hurt again."
장마음
"The goal is to wonder about my parents' love... I keep repeating such pathetic things..."
Chan-i listened to my story silently, without saying a word.
They didn't even give me a tissue or wipe my tears as they flowed endlessly.
He just held my sobbing hands and told me it was okay.
장마음
“I don’t want to be hurt anymore either. If I’m going to be hurt, I’ve been hurt so badly.”
장마음
“But why do I keep reminiscing?”
장마음
“I didn’t miss my parents at all…”
장마음
“During all those long years of living in solitude and loneliness, not once…”
장마음
“Rather, I resented it, I didn’t miss it.”
장마음
“If you come looking for me again, I will send you back.”
장마음
“Because I’m already happy enough with the Seventeen members.”
장마음
"But, they say that by receiving love from your parents, you become someone who knows how to love and receive love."
장마음
"Then what must I do to be loved? How should I... love?"
He only handed me the tissue after I finished speaking.
He looked at me intently as I wiped away my tears, and even wiped them away with his fingers.
But no words were said.
I was lost, but the question was, and he didn't give me any answers.
장마음
“Why… aren’t you saying anything?”
이찬
"The most effective thing here is silence."
I couldn't understand what he was saying, but I thought I knew what he meant.
The reason I couldn't bring this up was because I was afraid they'd look at me strangely.
I, who resented and yet longed for her, thought it was strange even to me.
이찬
"If you still need comfort... Do you remember what Shua said?"
장마음
“What are you talking about?”
이찬
"Cry. Instead, after crying, live as if nothing happened."
이찬
"I'm not hurt by that. Just pretend to live well, just like us."
Hearing Shua oppa speak in Chani's voice felt different.
If Jisoo Oppa had been a reliable person from the beginning
At first, Chan-i was just a friend who looked young.
I was grateful that he changed for me like this.
이찬
“I told you that if you want to cry, you can cry, Wonwoo hyung.”
이찬
"No one here will think anything of you, whether you cry or get angry."
이찬
“I would rather be on your side.”
Chan-i brought the words of the other members and comforted them.
Chan-i probably didn't think he had the talent to comfort others, so he borrowed someone else's words.
But Chan-ah, you know what?
Comfort doesn't come from differences in expression, but from differences in heart.
How comforting it is to know that you empathize.
장마음
“Thank you, Lee Chan…”
The tears flowed without stopping, and even after several hours, they didn't stop.
As if trying to become an adult.
The person who protected me like that was Chan.
And even if something like this happened again, they would always be by my side.
I knew it in my head, but when I finally realized it in my heart, I couldn't help but cry.
Even without necessarily knowing how to love or be loved, I was able to love and be loved.
As time went by, I came to understand, and the path to understanding was the process of becoming an adult.
That day, I decided to sleep with Chani. I asked him to.
For some reason, I felt like I could sleep comfortably only when I was with him.
이찬
“You harmed yourself, didn’t you?”
I kept my mouth shut at Chani's question.
이찬
“I’m not trying to scold you. I’ve done it too.”
I answered his words very quietly.
장마음
“…I did it”
As soon as my answer reached him, he hugged me.
이찬
“Sorry… I should have asked sooner.”
장마음
“Did I look like I was having a hard time?”
이찬
“It looked confusing.”
장마음
“Thanks for helping me, Chan-ah.”
이찬
“Thank you too. For saving me.”
I guess you're talking about the first day you came to Seventeen's dorm.
장마음
"That...wasn't much. I just listened and said a few words."
이찬
“What I did is exactly the same as what you did.”
Chan-i's voice echoed low from behind.
The atmosphere was strange.
He was hugging me, and I held him and wiped away my tears.
In the end, he and I were both just confused young girls and boys.
I'm aiming to post once every two days, but it's a bit difficult...
Thank you for waiting for a long time, but today is also a relief... I'm sorryㅠㅠ
Next time, I'll be back in two days with more story progress!