Sugar in Americano
18. The End of the Past
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Uh...um...
When I opened my eyes, my vision was completely white.
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Seo Yeo-ju..!!!!
Ah..is this heaven...haha Yoongi's voice is nice..
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Seo Yeo-ju..!!!! Are you okay...??
Looking around again, I realized it was the training center's infirmary.
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Hey..!!!! Why did you suddenly collapse!! Do you.. know how surprised I was?!!
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If you're sick, you have to tell me!!!!!
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Ha...really...you...huh......
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Min Yoongi..? Yoongi..? Really Min Yoongi...?
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Uh..it's me, you idiot..
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Why... did you suddenly collapse...
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Oh... that's... actually, I heard what you and the girls were saying...
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....
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Yeah... that's true... ah
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I was two-timing...
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Okay, I heard it. I didn't believe it though.
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If I were to say everything...it would probably be too long. But you can still listen, right..?
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uh...
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Ha...I'll start.
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My parents passed away when I was young. I think it was when I was in the third grade of elementary school.
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My aunt would come over sometimes and give me side dishes. But the fact that my family wasn't there... was just too much.
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I wasn't loved when I was supposed to be loved so much.
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I've been hiding my feelings since I was in the 4th grade of elementary school.
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Because I don't want to be hated.
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Because I wanted to be loved. I tried to hide my ugly and pitiful appearance as much as possible.
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So...in fifth grade? I got a confession from a boy. Han Baek...woo...
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So we became a couple... and we had a lot of troubles and I really hated showing off my kindness... I was afraid of being hated... I was afraid of losing someone who loved me... But while we were dating, my friend from school confessed his feelings to me again.
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If I reject him, he'll hate me... I just thought about that and accepted him.
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No one taught me that was bad. I didn't know.
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And, because I lived hiding my emotions so much, I found myself... really torn up. But I didn't know that.
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After my second year of middle school exams, I went on a date with Han Baek-woo.
Han Baek-woo and I had a relationship that was neither too good nor too bad, and it wouldn't have been strange if it ended soon.
But...I...couldn't. I didn't know how to refuse, and I absolutely didn't want to be hated...
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While we were dating, Han Baek-woo suddenly tried to kiss me?
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I was surprised... I rejected it for the first time, but the way he looked at me... seemed like he was looking at something dirty...
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....and...he hit me. He took me to the bathroom.
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Then he hit my forehead hard, and it tore and bled...
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There's a scar here too.
I showed him the scar on my forehead that I had been trying to cover up with my bangs.
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Ugh... Since then, whenever someone else put their hand on my forehead... my body would tremble violently... and I felt aversion to physical contact...
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Ugh... Back then, Han Baek-woo... He didn't show any signs of reflection. Rather, he knew I was two-timing him, and he spread the word, saying he was only the victim... He even said I should break up with him...
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The kids all believed it like it was nothing...haha...
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So everyone... left. I didn't have a single friend around me. I was completely alone. It wasn't bullying, but it was complete isolation.
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A year...? I lived in a mental hospital for about a year and a half.
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Trauma and everything I had been holding back exploded all at once.
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My aunt gave up on me then.
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I received counseling, psychotherapy, medication, and behavioral therapy. I met the author there and became close with him.
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So it's gotten a lot better..
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But... after hearing the conversation earlier, I remembered that I used to be alone...
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Because of the anxiety that you might hate me...
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Hey..you idiot...why do I hate you...
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To be honest, if I say I wasn't surprised, it's a lie, and if I say I wasn't flustered, it's strange.
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I love you.
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And trust as much as you love, and love as much as you believe.
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So, heroine, trust me.
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I love you, Seo Yeo-ju. Really, really much.