Seok Jin
May 2nd, Year 22
I was so nervous that my fingers stiffened.
I opened and closed my fists. What if I fail? I've done
I did this repeatedly, but each time I felt more
Terrified. I breathed slowly and deeply, thinking about
YoonGi. He must be drunk now, pressing his...
lighter with one hand and holding his phone with
The other one. He could be lying on the sofa, contemplating
the reasons why I should continue living. Or to the
which is why I shouldn't.
How does YoonGi see the world and himself?
I faced this question every time I tried to save him.
I couldn't understand how he could keep trying.
to destroy oneself. It doesn't mean I was very
happy to be living in this world, or that each and every one of us
that the days of my life were filled with happiness.
In fact, I was never captivated by anything, not even
for life and death.
Looking back, it wasn't any different when I started all this.
This. Would he be able to correct the errors and
Mistakes? And save us all? He wasn't capable of
to understand the depth and weight of this question. It was
It's true that he desperately wanted to save us. Nobody
He deserved to die, to despair, to be repressed, and to be
despised. Besides that, they were my friends.
We might have had our flaws, scars, and
have been twisted and distorted. We could have
We were nobody. But we were alive. We had days to live, plans to follow, and to fulfill our dreams.
dreams.
At first, I didn't think much about it. I thought everyone
It depended on how much effort I put in after
Discovering who needed saving and from what. That was it.
I thought I could solve everything.
Persuading them and changing things. That's how I was.
Simple and naive. But it was nothing more than an attempt to
to save my own skin. After a series of tests
And mistakes, I understood that. It wasn't so simple to save the
others.
Yoongi wasn't easy to handle. It was probably
the most difficult of all. It was always changing.
time and place of his suicide attempts. I had to
I wanted to approach him differently than I did with the others.
A solution that worked well last time. It didn't work.
Well, next time. Just when I thought that
I had finally unraveled a mystery; it led me to
Another problem.
At first, I couldn't identify his reasons.
After all, all I could see was that anguish
YoonGi's situation was connected to his inner conflict.
Namjoon got caught in a fight because of those thugs.
customers at the gas station. But YoonGi was different. He wasn't
It had neither a defined objective nor a defined cause. It had
Too many variables.
I tried to imagine what was going on in his head.
Yoongi. Once, I secretly followed him for hours.
His steps were uncertain and unpredictable. He staggered through the streets during the night and tried to throw himself into the fire.
Sometimes he would collapse to the ground and listen to the
Music that flowed out from somewhere within a
underground shopping mall. After a night of
Following it, I realized how dry, boring, and flat it was.
my own life. It wasn't that I envied YoonGi's life,
the suffering she was experiencing going from one extreme
To another, it was beyond my imagination. Everything that
All I could do was watch him staggering.
One setback was always followed by another.
A new layer of despair came even before the
Previous. He may not be able to save YoonGi.
After all, I wasn't able to make much progress. But
At that moment, hope vanished. I once heard that
Hope had wings. It was a little bird.
A bird flew into YoonGi's workroom, which
I was in an abandoned building in the middle of a
redevelopment of the neighborhood. It had been decided to demolish the
It was a neighborhood a long time ago, but it was left deserted when
The redevelopment plan stalled. The bird flew away.
Through a broken window, YoonGi was standing in
middle of the workroom. With a lighter in the
hand. The whole workshop smelled strongly of gasoline. I
He was standing right outside the door, he was about to
I jumped when I heard a loud bang and the flapping of wings.
The door was half open, so I took a look inside.
Through it, YoonGi had his back turned.
The bird collapsed to the ground. It had been fluttering around.
It spread its wings again, but couldn't take flight. YoonGi remained completely still, watching the bird.
I still couldn't see its face; the bird dropped down.
He looked around the room for an exit. He banged on his...
wings against the wall and the chair, the feathers falling
floating on the ground. YoonGi was just watching him. His
His hand was holding the lighter that was still hanging.
in the air. Finally, he let his arm fall, it sank and
He covered his head with both hands.
I went to his room that night. It was spacious but lonely.
A dirty sofa, a chair, and a piano were all that
I could find some there. Crumpled pieces of paper...
They scattered all over the floor. He must have tried.
to start a fire. Some of them looked like
lines of music, with phrases of lyrics written on them.
I looked around and found the thing with wings. The bird.
She was behind the piano, with dried blood around her.
wounds on its wings, it seemed petrified and shrunken by the
I felt fear when I approached. Small drops of blood.
They stained the floor. Breadcrumbs and water were applied.
in front of the piano.
I took a step back. Even if I leave it outside the window,
I wouldn't be able to fly yet. How long would the cure take?
His injuries? Would YoonGi remain safe and sound?
While the bird will stay here? Then, a
The thought came to me, YoonGi must have...
arrested because of this. This little bird was hurt. One thing
fragile, unable to protect or save
After that day, I realized something. If all the
variables related to suicide attempts
YoonGi existed within him, why doesn't he drag the
minus one of them facing outwards? I have to look for the
The right objective, creating the right situation.
a variable that could give YoonGi a reason to leave
of destroying himself. Someone who could share
her scars. "It's not something you can do alone." I went
aware in a painful way of the meaning
complete of the words I had heard a lot
some time after all this began.
I realized that Jungkook had the same look.
in his eyes, like YoonGi when NamJoon said it.
"Jungkook still has that photo." He meant the photo.
that we took together on the beach, at the Institute. NamJoon
Apparently, he wanted to let me know that Jungkook
She was still thinking about me, but it reminded me of a
A completely different scene. The day we went to
To find that rock that makes dreams come true. The truth.
We laughed, we complained, and we played in the sun.
And, devastated to discover that the rock had disappeared,
I shouted my dream, which even I couldn't hear, to the sea.
At that moment, I saw Jungkook screaming a
He asked YoonGi. He couldn't hear what he was saying.
saying, but I could tell it was important to
Jungkook. What do I ask Yoongi? Why him? No.
I had thought about it before. YoonGi wasn't as lively as...
HoSeok wasn't as friendly as JiMin, and he wasn't as...
Reliable like Namjoon. Why was it him? SuddenlyI realized. It was Yoongi who saved Jungkook.
They had the same look in their eyes.
It wasn't difficult to send Jungkook to Yoongi.
Jungkook was alone at school and at home. He had no one.
where to go after school. He usually spent the
time at the burger joint next to HoSeok wandering
around Namjoon's container. I closed the door of the
Namjoon's container and I made HoSeok leave the
store before Jungkook appeared. After
He had been hanging around for a while, Jungkook finally
He was heading to YoonGi's studio. He seemed to have
Mixed feelings. Should I go in? What if…
Do you think I'm irritating? Expectation and fear...
swirled across Jungkook's face. From that moment on
One day, he visited YoonGi. In his workroom all day.
Initially, YoonGi told him point-blank to go far away.
But he didn't really mean it.
A shadow appeared briefly. It was Jungkook.
I curled up deeper in the seat. They still hadn't
They knew I was back. Except for Namjoon, with
who I met at the gas station. Namjoon said that
Everyone would have been delighted, but I refused to meet with them.
They were. I was waiting for the right moment.
Perhaps we were all tied up with ropes and
supporting each other. It wasn't easy to track this network.
of ropes. It was like an intricate labyrinth. When
Some ropes and knots were deciphered, other parts were...
They broke. When a rope was stretched too far, everything
It collapsed in an instant. I had to connect the dots.one rope to another, observing everyone closely, to
to get them to save each other without realizing it.
Jungkook stopped in front of the workroom of
YoonGi, looking up at the second floor. He didn't...
He looked very happy. YoonGi had gone through a difficult time.
It's been difficult the last ten days. I'd been drinking.
a lot and tormenting himself. I pushed
Jungkook in this profound agony. The suffering of
YoonGi must have been too overwhelming for him.
Once, Jungkook gave up on Yoongi. In that
Then, YoonGi threw himself into the flames. But he never...
He forgave himself for not having stopped him; time has passed.
about ten minutes after Jungkook entered the
studio. The sound of something breaking came from the
second-floor window, and YoonGi with cracked lips,
He appeared in the building's entrance, astonished.
He hurried down the sloping path. I looked out the window.
From the second floor. Jungkook must be sitting upstairs.
with the broken mirror. He must be thinking that he couldn't
save him.
He must be thinking it was useless, I started the car.
after seeing Jungkook run out of the building.
YoonGi needs to go to the motel. He should leave a clue.
Jungkook was told Yoongi's whereabouts. That was all.
What I could do. I let a little blood fall near
The motel door. Sitting in the car, I saw Jungkook.
Going up the stairs. I left a photo in front of the mirror of
Yoongi early this morning. A photo of all of us.
Taken that day we went to the beach. Did Jungkook see it?
The photo? I couldn't tell if Jungkook followed him because of that photo, if he decided to give him a chance to see a...
small seed of hope, or if he was motivated by
Anything else.
I wasn't sure how Jungkook could save him.
YoonGi. A decisive moment in life, that last one
moment, for each of us, including them
They cannot be interfered with. It can only be shared.
for those who suffer the same wound, it includes
fears, dreams, and defeats of each one, and therefore
to see through the other to their very core.
I looked toward the motel window. I wondered what...
Jungkook and Yoongi were talking there. And
I desperately wished that the winged thing could
take off into the sky from there.
YoonGi
May 2nd, Year 22
The bed sheets caught fire immediately.
In the unbearable heat, everything seemed to lose its essence.
The bitter smell, the unfamiliar dampness, and the light, all
It loses its essence. All that remains is the pain.
Physical pain from the heat, the tips of my fingers, the
skin… it's so hot I think I'm going to get burned and
to get rid of it. Suddenly a melody plays and I remember
my father.
My father and I were very different. My father didn't...
He understood, but I didn't understand him. I think I could have...
Convincing him, if I had tried… maybe not.
All I could do was hide, rebel, and run away.
But I think that what I'm trying to escape from isn't part of me.
Father. Then fear overwhelms me. What am I...
Fleeing. How I flee from myself. Everything is impossible.
I hear something like someone calling me, but I don't answer.
Head. I don't know if it's from the heat or the pain, but no
I can breathe. I don't have the energy to move, but
I can hear Jungkook. He's crazy, I should feel sorry for him.
I just want to sit here. Smoke, heat, pain,
I'm scared… I want to end it all right now. I feel…
My vision blurs, and for the last time, I turn my head. The last thing
What I see in this lonely, dirty room are the...
scarlet flames and the heat… and the twisted face of
Jungkook.
Jungkook
May 2nd, Year 22
When I look up, I'm facing the container of
Namjoon Hyung. I opened the door and went inside. I lay down, I…
I curled up and wrapped myself in as many clothes as I could.
To find. The cold embraces me. My whole body trembles.
And I want to cry, but the tears won't come to me.
When I opened the door and went inside, YoonGi Hyung was
Standing on the bed. Flames rose from the edge.
of the sheet. At that moment, my whole body was filled
with a rage and fear that she couldn't even contain.
I don't have the gift of gab; I don't know how to express myself well.
feelings or to persuade others. Tears
They flowed out and all I could do was cough; my words still wouldn't come out.
As I ran toward the flames, the only words I could think of were…
I was able to say the following: “We promised to go together to the
playa”.
“Why are you like this? Did you have a nightmare?” Someone asked me
He shook me by the shoulder, I opened my eyes and found myself...
Namjoon Hyung. For some reason, I feel relieved.
Hyung touches my forehead and tells me I have a fever;
It seems he's right. The inside of my mouth is
I feel like I'm burning up, but actually I feel very cold. My eyes hurt.
My head and throat hurt; I can barely swallow the medicine.
that Hyung brings me. “Sleep a little, we’ll talk
"Then." I nod, then speak, "Will I ever be a..."
“An adult like you, Hyung?” Namjoon Hyung deflected the
look.