It’s a cold night for the family of De Dios and all were busy preparing for the new year’s countdown inside their home. It’s a thrilling moment for Justin who’s casually helping her parents in washing the dishes; his brother Julian, is next to him, talking any random stuff that opens in his mind. Justin didn’t care though, he likes listening to his brother. The fact that the older brother can tolerate his corny behavior and laugh at it even if it’s not that funny, is enough for him to respect his side. The whole house is busy. Christmas decorations are evident that they celebrated Christmas eve.
“My new year resolution ka Jah?” Julian asked his brother and the latter hummed at his question; his attention on the plate he’s holding, scrubbing it with a sponge, trying his best to remove the stain. It took minutes before Justin answer his brother’s question.
“Hmm… I guess I’ll study hard overseas”
He heard Julian scoffed. “ Almost forgot you’re leaving”
“Aww, you’ll miss me?”
The younger brother finally looked at Julian with a Chesire smile, trying to mock him. He likes teasing his brother but of course, it’s their way of being affectionate to each other. He’ll miss this moment when he leaves though, actually everything about his home. His parents, his brother, his home, and his friends. But at the same time, it’s a great opportunity. Knowing that he’ll have a chance to study art overseas, it’ll be a good foundation for his future. And he’s ready to risk this moment.
He’s ready to risk everything.
Julian rolled his eyes after seeing Justin’s mocking face. He’s used to it to the point it doesn’t affect him anymore.
“ Tawagan mo ako paminsan minsan ha. I know you’ll be busy but do call mom and dad from time to time. They’ll be sickly worried”
The younger one chuckled at his older brother’s remark and nodded. “Of course, are they still the same? I’m going to give you a try, ayyiiee”
“kadiri ka Jah eew”
And they both laughed, both savoring their last moments to each other. They don’t know when they’ll meet again so they’re doing their best to interact with each other.
While laughing, a voice suddenly echoed from the living room. It’s their mother.
“ Yani!! Please help us here. Take care of the plates on the table”
Both boys looked in the direction where the voice was coming from. Immediately, Julian shouted back to answer.
“Opo!!” He shouted back.
Before leaving, he patted Justin’s shoulder as a sign of goodbye before completely leaving him all alone in the kitchen. Justin didn’t mind and continued washing the dishes.
11:20 PM
Justin is back in his room, sitting all alone on his bedroom’s couch. The lights were turned off giving a very peaceful ambiance for the man sitting.
He’s motionless, eyes staring in nowhere.
He didn’t know why he locked himself in his room though.
He feels like he’s waiting for something. But what?
While thinking, his eyes shifted to his computer desk; and next to it is a travel bag. Seeing it made him purse his lips and sigh. Justin then closed his eyes and laid flatly on the couch realizing what he’s waiting for.
Scratch that, who he’s waiting for.
But does it give him the right to wait? Does it give him the right to look for him?
He ended their ties, he doesn’t have the right.
But he misses him.
He misses him badly.
And with coincidence, his phone rang.
Justin immediately opened his eyes and took his phone from his pocket. The phone lit up and what he saw made his heart race.
It’s Stell. The one he’s waiting for.
~~~~~
Justin ran downstairs, his heart racing both in nervousness and excitement. He didn’t have time to react and instinct is getting ahead of him. He wants to see him. He wants to see Stell.
The whole family was flustered after seeing the man jumped downstairs like a maniac. Gemma, Justin’s mother tried to call him to know what’s going on but his son rushed thru outside the house leaving all the family clueless and confused.
Still barefooted, Justin didn’t bother wearing slippers and made his way to open their main gate. As he creaks it open, it gave a little sound, a sign of senility.
Justin tried calming his composure before fully opening the gate to meet his eyes.
His soft eyes.
He’s still beautiful Justin thought.
The owner of those soft eyes then smiled, giving a little wrinkle between his lips that made Justin’s heart soften.
How come he still can make his heart melt?
The younger one then looked down after noticing Stell is holding something.
A ukulele.
He then looked up to meet his eyes again, the smile never breaking.
“ Happy New Year Justin ”
~~~
“ Stell?” Julian exclaimed, freezing in his position as he saw Stell enter their home. But Julian wasn’t the only one. Everyone froze in surprise as if they saw an undead.
Stell felt shy knowing that all eyes are on him but Justin protected him from all the attention.
“ Sa taas lang kami, call us if you need anything” He said and pulled the older man’s hand to guide him upstairs. As the two headed upstairs, the De dios couple suddenly looked at Julian, eyes asking if he knows something but the man shrugged as an answer who is also in confusion.
The two men entered Justin’s bedroom. Immediately, the younger one opened one of the green led lights making the whole room dim with a mixture of green light illuminating the dark.
He then looks at Stell with a confused look. “ Bat ka nandito?”
Both were quiet.
But the older man suddenly smiled again and raised his ukulele. “ I learned a new song, do you wanna hear it?”
Justin raised his brows in bewilderment. Did he really just made his way here to say that?
The former covered his face in confusion and sighed. He can’t believe what he just heard. It was too ridiculous to hear.
But at the same time, he knows he’s happy inside.
He saw him again.
But they already separated ways. Things are already done between them.
“Care I-“
“ Just let me play.. “
Justin stopped for a while and stared at him.
“Just… let me play”
He’s still smiling.
He feels sorry. Justin feels guilty.
~~~
The whole room was quiet. Except for the ukulele that Stell plays; and there’s Justin, sitting next to him listening.
No one uttered a word as the older man kept playing the ukulele, producing soothing sounds as he strums it gently.
No one uttered a word, but both enjoy it inside. Just them in a quiet place, together. Just like before.
Finally, Justin broke the silence. “ Why aren’t you singing?”
With those words, Stell stopped strumming, his face looking down. “ Is it okay?”
The former answered with a nod. He tried his best to avoid eye contact and decided to look at his open window. There were no stars to gaze but still, he stared. “ I wanna hear your voice”
Justin answered and closed his eyes, waiting for the latter to sing.
Stell blushed after hearing his remark but he kept his composure. He wants to sing his best for him.
It’ll be the last time. He wants it to be memorable.
Stell started playing again, strumming the ukulele with his fingers.
I am silent here.
Having coffee, sitting in a chair
For weeks now, in the room, the door closed,
My tears have already dried up.
With the first verse, Justin already knew the song. Imposible by KZ Tandingan.
He chuckled after realizing it but he stayed quiet and listened.
Can't you see?
The chapter is over.
Opening the window, looking out at the notes
Sadness has left.
He loves it whenever Stell sings. He loves how his voice takes him to heaven. He might not hear it again, he might not see him again so he stayed quiet with his eyes closed. Savoring every moment, every second with him. They could never go back where they used to, so he let himself be.
He doesn’t wanna regret it.
If you need a serious conversation
I'm sorry I can't give it to you.
Don't beg, you won't get anything.
I have no intention of going back and shedding tears.
Impossible, impossible
That only happens in movies.
The simple, that simple
What happened can never be erased.
Stell kept singing and strumming but he was too late to realize that tears were already running. His throat burning from his sobs. But he tried his best not to cry. He doesn’t want to affect him while singing.
This is his last moment, does he need to cry?
I don't feel like it anymore, ah
I don't want to anymore, I don't want to anymore.
I don't want to anymore, I don't want to anymore.
I don't want to anymore, I don't want to anymore.
Sa 'yo, oh-oh-oh-oh
It is impossible, what you are asking is impossible……
Stell decided to stop and cried silently. He tried wiping his tears away but as he wipes them more, more tears came. He felt defeated.
He doesn’t wanna look weak near him.
He said that he’ll be strong.
Why is he crying?
Justin heard small sobs from the older man but he still stayed quiet. He let him cry. He knew it’ll happen, that’s why he let the room be dim. He wants him to cry. He wants him to let it all out.
In that four corner room, the two stayed still. They were silent but both found comfort.
11:45
“I’m sorry” Justin broke the silence. The two are now standing between the window, staring at the black sky. There wasn’t any entertainment outside but it’s just an excuse for the two to be closer. They didn’t hold hands but they let their fingers graze each other.
“ Why? It's not your fault “ Stell answered, still looking up at the sky.
“ Am I being selfish?”
“No”
“Why not?”
“ You only Dreamt high Jah. Nothing more nothing less “
“But I hurt you”
“Maybe it was my fault? I loved you too much”
Stell heard a sigh from Justin but the former didn’t bother to look.
“ Still I’m sorry.” Justin again said but Stell only chuckled
“ I know”
“I love you, Stella.”
“I know, but you love yourself more”
“ ………”
Both fell into silence again.
Stell felt Justin’s shoulders getting tense so he leaned his shoulder against him.
“ I don't blame you. I'm happy Jah. I'm happy…”
The younger man’s tense shoulders then eased after hearing those words from the latter. His guilt slowly leaving his system. He felt peaceful. He felt happy with him.
“Mahalin mo din sarili mo” Justin answered back and the man next to him nodded. Their shoulders leaning to each other gave them warmth and comfort despite the cold night.
“ I’ll find someone one day. If I do find someone else, I’ll love myself first. Loving someone too much hurts.”
The younger one hummed in agreement and nod. He then moved his pinky finger to Stell’s hand, locking his pinky finger to the other one. Stell felt it, but he let it be.
Next year would be different.
Sun will rise again, but this time without him.
Suddenly fireworks began showing out of nowhere from the window they’re staring on. Citizens began shouting in delight, horns blasting loudly and people began jumping in joy in the supposed to be a quiet night.
It’s a New Year.
Stell finally looked up to see Justin’s face. The latter looked back and smiled making Stell chuckle back.
“ Happy New Year “ They both said.