The rain showed no sign of stopping. We stood shoulder to shoulder in the narrow space beneath the umbrella, but strangely, the distance felt far. The words I'd just spoken still echoed in my ears.
It wasn't love, it was a burden.
From the moment that sentence left my lips, it sank like a stone and weighed on my heart.
Jungkook didn't respond. Instead, the only sound was the sound of him taking a deep breath and then exhaling. But that breath spoke more than words could.
Suppressed anger, wounded pride, and affection that has not yet been erased.
Everything sounded mixed together at once. Unable to hold my breath, I lowered my head. Raindrops fell from the tip of my umbrella, splashing onto my ankles, and even those tiny drops seemed to settle on my heart.
Jungkook didn't say anything, but his actions were still different. He pushed the umbrella closer to me, ensuring not a single raindrop landed on my shoulder. Yet, he was still soaked with the rain. Even though my harsh words must have hurt, he instinctively protected me. That warmth felt even harsher.
I couldn't bring myself to look at his face. Instead, memories came flooding back like rain. The moment the lights came up on the first stage, he held my hand tightly.
"are you okay"
Jungkook, who smiled and said, "That's right." The thrill of breathing together and stepping in sync on stage. The ecstasy of the audience's cheers enveloping us. For that moment, I believed the world was rooting for us.
/
But the final performance was completely different. The music kept flowing, but my body wouldn't keep up. The moment I missed a beat, the choreography fell apart, and in that moment, the air in the audience froze. The lights on stage were still bright, but they seemed to reveal me rather than illuminate me. Even the smallest mistake was magnified, tightening my body. My breath caught in my throat, and my heart pounded out of sync.
Jungkook reached out his hand from the side, but I pretended not to see his fingertips. I thought I'd become even more vulnerable the moment I took his hand. Finally, I turned and walked to one side of the stage. The look on Jungkook's face, a mixture of surprise and loss, made my steps heavier.
Even now, when I recall that moment, my heart aches. Since that day, I haven't been able to hold onto the memory. No, I believed that holding onto it would destroy me.
“Let’s go now.”
Jungkook spoke softly. His voice was no longer sharp. Instead, it was as calm as the sound of water sinking deep. But that calmness shook me even more. It would have been better to get angry and question him. His voice, fading away like this, sounded like a declaration that he no longer expected anything.
I couldn't answer, so I just nodded. I started walking again, but my heart felt heavy, as if tied to the road. The silence between us resonated louder than the rain, and the distance beneath our umbrellas remained as long as ever.
As I walked, I wanted to turn my head several times to look at his face. But I couldn't muster the courage. I was afraid that if I did, I'd discover the warmth still lingering within him. If that warmth drew me back, I'd crumble again. So, my gaze remained fixed solely on the tips of his wet feet.
As we approached the house, Jeongguk stopped. Raindrops dripping from the tip of his umbrella splashed onto the stone steps. He tried to look me in the eye, but I refused to look up. The moment our eyes met, everything felt like it would crumble.
“Go in safely.”
His voice, leaving only a brief greeting, was surprisingly quiet. It contained neither anger nor pleading. I realized that it was this sound that was the most painful.
He turned and walked into the rain. The umbrella slowly moved away, eventually disappearing into the darkness. In that moment, the space beneath the umbrella became emptied. The raindrops pounded mercilessly against my shoulders, but an even greater emptiness surged within me. I stood on the steps, frozen in place until his back completely vanished.
Since that day, I've always run away. From memories, from dreams, and from the situation.
But today, as I watched his rain-soaked back disappear, I realized.
No matter how much I ran, I was still looking for him in the same place.