Sorry Not Sorry

Chapter 4 🥀

“Where is Uncle Kim?”

“Uncle Kim and Aunt Oh are going back to their hometown.”

“Then where is Jongdae? Why are you here?”

"Tsk, if there's nothing important, you should leave. And as for my presence here, it's because Uncle Kim himself asked me to look after Jongdae, understand?"

“Ah, is that so? I came here to return the book I borrowed from Jongdae. By the way, where is Jongdae? I want to see him.”

“He’s resting— Aish, you don’t need to come in, go there! Hush, hush.”

“I'm his cousin, I have the right to meet Jongda—”

LACK!

Everything was still dark when my ears faintly heard people talking outside, then the sound of a door slamming loudly, followed by the sound of someone's footsteps climbing the stairs; heading towards my place.

I tried to open my eyes, but they felt like they were glued shut. It was so hard to open them that it felt like I was being crushed. My entire body wouldn't move no matter how hard I tried, and there was nothing I could do but breathe.

Someone? I don't know who, opened the door inside the room where I was currently—the smell of the bed I was sleeping in was familiar—walked slowly towards me. He took a seat on the other side of the bed, my forehead felt the caress of his hand, he stroked my hair, kissed it slowly then moved down to my left cheek.

His presence felt familiar, even though I'd forgotten who he was. The kiss lasted so long that I thought his lips were glued to my cheek. His warm breath against my skin made my eyelids even more reluctant to open, afraid that if I did, he would leave me, or other possibilities that crossed my mind, and unfortunately, almost all of them were bad. My subconscious told me that familiar figure was a comfortable home.

Then I held my breath as the wet, supple texture of his lips began to move away from my face. Both annoyed and at the same time reassured as the movement seemed to leave me alone—

“This is the best for us.”

My entire body tensed, while my heart beat erratically. My ears seemed to recognize this voice, but I forgot who it was, my brain was squeezed, forced to remember his figure, but it was useless! When I finally gave up trying to remember him, I felt a needle pierce the skin of my arm, after the liquid had completely entered my body, a gentle embrace came.

🥀🥀

"Where are you going?"

I turned down the volume on the television as I watched Chanyeol put on his jacket and grab his motorcycle keys. The clock on the wall read 7 PM when I woke up a few hours ago, naked, alone, and almost numb.

I'm currently eating the porridge Chanyeol made in the living room. He told me that my parents had gone back to Siheung—my hometown—last night while I was staying at his house. They called me, but Chanyeol answered. And now I've ended up being left in the care of the person I desperately want to avoid. So what other blessings do I have to be grateful for when all this misfortune is holding me captive and freezing my heart with it?

“I left them in a mess,” Chanyeol replied. It reminded me of what happened when he brought me to his house. “Kyungsoo was seriously injured and had to be hospitalized,” he informed me. While he didn’t even glance at me and focused on his phone, I averted my gaze from him to whatever I could find. “I’m going to go visit him for a bit—”

“I’m coming!” I jumped off the sofa, leaving the plate of porridge lying on the table. “I’m not really close to Kyungsoo because he’s cold and doesn’t easily accept new people, but I also have fond memories with him.” That was just an excuse, I just wanted to follow him, who knows, maybe Chanyeol was lying and would end up meeting his mistress?

Chanyeol approached me—I held my breath at the scent of his perfume—bent down, then reached for my head to kiss my forehead. “No need,” he said finally. While my disappointment was consumed, I got up to pick up the plate of porridge and stirred it irritably, expressing my unease.

“I’m leaving for a while, take care of yourself,” Chanyeol said at the door, “you can call me if anything comes up,” he said one last time before completely disappearing behind the door.

I nodded in agreement, knowing that even though he wouldn't see it, somehow my tongue was speechless. Annoyance, anger, hatred, love, longing, spoiled, worry, determination, fear, and anxiety all rolled into one. Consciously, I didn't even know what I really needed, it felt like I was drowning in a labyrinthine swamp, where on every wall of the labyrinth there were poisonous snakes ready to devour me alive at any moment.

After Chanyeol disappeared behind the door. The sound of a motorbike was heard, then slowly moved away. I turned up the volume of the television to break the silence. My mind went blank again with half of the porridge on my plate left. Putting the plate on the table in front of me, then went to look for my phone. I should have run away when someone who was a threat to my life was away, leaving him unattended, Chanyeol was too careless. Or did he think I was too stupid that I didn't even know how to run away?

“I have to call someone.” I didn’t know what it was, but my heart and brain were telling me that Chanyeol had put something inside me—that time! I should have been able to wake up instead of giving in like I did that time! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Because it might be something that could harm my fetus!

Those drugs! The pain in my right arm! Ever since they went in, my body felt weaker, and I knew something was wrong. Even though Chanyeol was someone who often broke his promises—that was my experience during my time as his girlfriend—he was actually someone who would actually do what he said.

“Who should I call?” I bit my lower lip in confusion. The phone was now in my hand—it had been on the kitchen table all morning, huh!

The KaKaoTalk application screen only displayed chats from Chanyeol's contacts, Mom, the class group, and.... "Sehun!" I didn't know if he would help, but my finger immediately slid to press the button.calling.Because of all the options, only Sehun can help me without judging me.

I bit my lower lip again, impatient. I wasn't sure what to say next, and why I was asking him for help! Sehun's house was in another complex, and it would take at least 30 minutes to get there by private vehicle.

“Hey, how are you? Missing you? Is it unusual for you to contact me?”Sehun greeted from the other end after he answered the phone.

“What are you doing?” I ran to the living room when I heard the sound of a motorcycle passing by. I breathed a sigh of relief when it was the sound of my neighbor’s motorcycle and not Chanyeol’s as I had feared.

"Study,"Sehun answered, sounding lazy,“You know what? Your pretentious, eternally youthful aunt threatened me not to date until I get an A! Ah, if this happens, I might end up an old bachelor, anyway, if that really happens, you have to be willing to take responsibility.”

"Why should I be the one responsible? I didn't do anything," I said, annoyed, unable to think straight.

“Yes, because I like you.”

“Sehum, come to your senses. We’re cousins.”

“Why are you calling me so late at night, Dae-ya? If you’re calling just to remind me of that, I’d better hang up, I have to study.”Sehun's voice sounded unfriendly, very different from before.

I sighed, fully aware of how Sehun must have felt since I rejected him. That was years ago, long before I met Chanyeol, maybe 15 years ago? I was just a kid who would cry if I tripped, but genius Sehun was already thinking about who he would marry when he grew up. Of course, I rejected his stupid offer. “Sorry,” I squeaked. “Can I stay over at your house—”

“Of course you can!”

I pulled the phone away from my ear in surprise when Sehun suddenly interrupted me with great enthusiasm. Then, I slowly put the phone back to my ear.

"When?"Sehun asked enthusiastically, at the same second when I started to feel dizzy again.

“Now,” I replied softly, “can you pick me up from home?”

“Of course I can—”

The phone fell, and my body collapsed against the sofa armrest. The phone was still on when Sehun's voice sounded worried.“Jongdae, are you okay?”My vision blurred while Sehun's voice still sounded panicked.“Hey, answer me?”I tried to reach for the phone, but it was very difficult.“Did something happen to you? Tell me you were joking, Dae?”

I was still trying to reach for my phone, which had been thrown two steps away from me. My eyes watered as the sudden pain in my stomach grew stronger, making it impossible to think clearly. My breath began to hitch. The screen went off—Sehun had turned off his phone. After that, the screen came back on, and Sehun transferred the call to...video call.

With all my strength, I tried to sit up—scrabbling to reach the phone. Beads of sweat the size of kernels of corn rolled down my forehead. The phone went dead again, only to turn back on a moment later, still displaying the same caller ID.

Click!

"Are you okay, Dae?"

I could see the worried expression on his face.

“Oh my gosh, Jongdae. What happened to you? You look so pale?”

Is it true?

My lips suddenly went numb, the pain ripping through my entire body. I dropped the phone again. Sehun's voice was no longer clear in my ears, and my vision was so blurry, I thought I was going blind or, worse, dying prematurely.

The phone was still on when I said, “Pick me up before Chanyeol gets back.”

🥀🥀

I don't know how long I was unconscious. But the television was still on and it was still dark outside. My skin, clad only in a short yellow shirt and knee-length trousers, was exposed to the cold floor in late winter.

The sound of a motorcycle greeted my ears. My body immediately tensed, but it only lasted a moment as I began to remember that it was Sehun's motorcycle; not Chanyeol's. My smile widened, finally free, the ache in my stomach still lingered as I got up and reached for the doorknob in a hurry. "Sehun...n."

“Have you been waiting long, huh?” He smiled so broadly that his eyes narrowed. In stark contrast to my smile, which immediately faded.

My feet reflexively stepped back. The corner of my eye focused on the man in her arms, half-conscious with bruises all over his face and body. She stepped forward, dragging him along, making me subconsciously step back to avoid her.

Use!

“Sehun!” I screamed, covering my mouth as Chanyeol threw Sehun’s body in front of me. I stared at Sehun with wide eyes, my whole body shaking violently.

Chanyeol stepped closer to me. As much as I wanted to, this time my legs wouldn't move. Chanyeol hugged me back. He exhaled as I leaned against him.

“Next time you want to invite someone over, you have to tell me first, okay?” Chanyeol whispered. “I don’t want you to get hurt by a stranger.” I closed my eyes tightly. My whole body had been stiff since Chanyeol hugged me, it felt like I was really going to die in his arms. “Kim Jongdae,” Chanyeol called softly. “You…” The hug loosened. He made me look into his eyes. Then a pair of Chanyeol’s hands pushed my shoulders until I fell back. I winced when my back hit the stairs. The corner of my eye looked at Chanyeol who was already filled with anger.

He crouched in front of me. His index finger pointed at Sehun, who was now unconscious. His other hand, which was holding my head—which was only the size of his palm—was pointed at Sehun's body. "He suddenly approached me on the side of the road and immediately beat me up, hahaha! How stupid." Chanyeol's laughter filled the room.

Leaving me alone in his clutches.

"He cursed me, saying I was incompetent in taking care of you and leaving you when you were sick," Chanyeol hissed right in front of my face. His eyes, which had been fiery, were now disillusioned. "Why did you contact another man when you already had me, Dae?"

I shook my head vigorously, my lips trembling as Chanyeol's large hand hit my cheek again. The dizziness hit me again, stronger than ever, along with the stinging, salty taste as I accidentally swallowed the blood that had escaped from the corner of my mouth. Chanyeol grabbed both of my shoulders and pulled me to my feet. "Come with me!"

Chanyeol dragged me upstairs to my room. He threw me roughly onto the bed. He stripped me of all my clothes, and then he fucked me again. There was no pleasure or resistance like I was used to.

I accepted his actions with resignation. My body, which wasn't healthy to begin with, was crushed even further by Chanyeol's hours of abuse. All I could do was maintain consciousness and protect my flat stomach from his iron fist. Even if I were to die after this, it was better than being tortured further by my own choices. Because dying at the hands of someone I love is better than dying at the hands of someone I hate.

Park Chanyeol. This may be only my heart that can hear it, even angels or demons may not be able to convey it to a brain as stubborn as yours, but one thing you must know is that I love you, and that I hate myself.

Tears continued to stream down my cheeks every time Chanyeol thrust his length into me with all the moans and disgusting words that my mouth and his mouth let out.

🥀🥀

My breath hitched as I felt a bucket of water splash over my face. I faintly heard my mother crying and my father cursing me.

“I treated you with respect and upheld religious norms, but what did you do, Kim Jongdae!”

I sat up with sore hips, even my stomach still left a feeling of pain in my body, also a strange smell that immediately penetrated my sense of smell as soon as I woke up.

I didn't really know what was happening, although a faint feeling of fear began to creep in when I saw the faces of my parents, who looked very angry and disappointed.

Plaque!

My heart nearly stopped beating when Dad slapped me, the first time he'd ever done that. What had I done to make those gentle and loving people this angry?

The expression clearly showed intense anger. I touched my trembling cheeks, my eyes fell down my naked body, reflexively I closed my legs. My head turned to the side of the bed, as soon as I saw the figure of a man sleeping naked beside me, I hysterically turned to Father and Mother, shook my head as hard as I could, saying silently that what they saw was not what was really happening.

This is not what they seem!

“Sob, I’m really disappointed in you, Jongdae,” Mom said softly.

Father left the room after slamming the door, making both Mother and I jump. I glanced at Mother, who was picking up my clothes. The woman who had given birth to me threw them right at my face. "Wake her up and meet us downstairs!"

And mother also left me.

I could only cry again. I put on my clothes in silence. I glanced sadly at the man.full naked yangThey were still sleeping next to me, face down. I hadn't told them the truth yet, but I'd already disappointed them. So, after I tell them, what punishment would a disobedient child like me deserve? What punishment could atone for all the sins I'd committed so far?

I shook his shoulder gently. “Sehun, wake up.”

🥀🥀

As I expected, Sehun was shocked and repeatedly swore that he had never violated me.

"How can we believe that excuse when we've seen what you've done with our own eyes?" Dad had been grumbling for a while. I even heard that he had already called Sehun's parents in Europe to urge them to return to South Korea immediately.

Their eyes were so hurt, especially Mom's, who had just managed to stop sobbing. As hard as I could, I didn't want to cry in front of them. While I didn't deny that I deserved to be judged here, this wasn't Sehun's fault; he was completely clueless. He wasn't the man Dad should have hit.

Sehun, who was still prostrating himself at the feet of his mother and father who were sitting on the chair, raised his head. "Uncle, I love Jongdae so much like my own brother, I couldn't possibly, and I swear in front of the Year, that I would never do such a despicable thing to my own cousin!"

“Appa!”

Mom and I screamed as Dad kicked Sehun in the head, knocking him to the ground. Sehun's face, which Chanyeol had beaten him with last night, hadn't even been treated.

“At first,” said Dad, holding back his anger, “at first I thought the bastard who dared to impregnate Jongdae was Chanyeol!”

My eyes widened. How did Dad know?

“But it turns out that bastard is the person I considered my own son!”

“Appa I-"

“Shut up, you son of a bitch!”

My body trembled again; Dad never yelled at me. Dad glared at Sehun. I swallowed hard as Sehun bravely looked back at Dad and rose from the kneeling position we'd been in for the past two hours.

Sehun exhaled slowly. “Uncle, please listen to me.” Sehun touched my shoulder and helped me stand.

Dad snorted. “There’s nothing for me to listen to!”

"I can explain the whole story, but the most important thing right now is that we have to get to the hospital," Sehun said calmly. Honestly, I didn't understand what he meant. "That bastard Chanyeol put something inside Jongdae."

My entire body tensed. Father's brow furrowed, while Mother covered her mouth in disbelief. "Don't you dare find an excuse to run away!" Father growled. "You've ruined the Kim family's honor!"

I closed my eyes. I didn't know what time it was, but since waking up, my body had felt weaker than it had the night before. I was momentarily confused and turned to Sehun when he gripped my hand tightly.

“I will take responsibility for marrying Jongdae if you let me, but before that, let's go to the hospital.”

🥀🥀🥀