Season 2_Jang Ma-eum, an orphan with a family of 13
#11_I don't know how to be loved
작곡가
“It’s all a lie that you can’t sing.”
장마음
"You're called pretty today. It's not usually like this."
Today, I sang a little better than my original ability.
Even the slightest differences were noticeable to the producers, and Chanyeol seemed to agree.
작곡가
“Your voice is so charming…”
장마음
"thank you"
Every time I receive a compliment, I think of my older brother, Soonyoung.
He said that if you receive a compliment, just say thank you.
작곡가
"I'm talking about our music video. It's coming out before the drama airs, so Chanyeol and Ma-eum have to appear in it. Is that okay?"
It seemed like a consideration for me, who was trying to minimize revealing my face.
What can I do if it's not okay?
Because I can't change everything.
장마음
“It’s okay~”
The producer smiled broadly at the unexpectedly positive response.
It meant that it was fortunate.
작곡가
"Then come prepared next time. You know the style of pretending not to know. Like that."
장마음
“Ah… yes. I know what you mean.”
It wasn't long before the girl who couldn't style herself began taking an interest in style and dressing herself up.
It was still closer to imitating someone else's style than having my own.
When I meet Seventeen oppas or other people, I don't get any criticism about my style.
I don't think I was wearing it wrong, but I didn't think I was wearing it right either.
So there were some parts that I was a little worried about.
박찬열
“If you need anything, ask my stylist…”
But Chanyeol suggested it first.
They say Koreans tend to reject something at least once, but I didn't want to.
Because I was that worried and desperate.
I was already thinking about asking Seventeen's stylist.
I was already busy preparing for my comeback.
I didn't want to add any more work there.
장마음
"Will it be okay...? You're EXO's seniors' stylist."
박찬열
“It’s okay because you’re my personal stylist.”
장마음
“Thank you, brother.”
박찬열
"Don't worry. I'm a girl in my late teens. I wanted to try styling too."
박찬열
“I’ll send you clothes if you tell me in advance.”
장마음
“Thank you, really…”
박찬열
“…Can I pat your head once?”
Chanyeol's words reminded me of the Seventeen members' first meeting.
Seokmin's face was so cute as he stroked my head and looked flustered.
장마음
"yes"
As soon as I answered brightly, Chanyeol's big hand stroked my head.
I felt like I had become a cute puppy for no reason.
During our short break, Chanyeol took me out to a nearby cafe.
The recording studio was nice, but it was so confined on all sides that it felt stuffy. I thought it was a good thing.
It's already been 6 hours since I spent time with Chanyeol at the SM recording studio.
There was enough time for us to talk to each other.
박찬열
“Do you live with Seventeen?”
장마음
"Yes. I still can't believe it. We've been living together for months."
October 4th, Jeonghan's birthday and the day I arrived at Seventeen's dorm.
The day I received permission from the CEO was October 5th, and that day became a special day in my heart.
It may not have been a special day for my brothers, but it was a special day for me.
박찬열
“What the…”
The past was no longer painful when recalled.
Now, let's share this past so there won't be any misunderstandings.
And if we don't talk about the past, there are many things that cannot be explained, so I needed to know a little.
There is no need to tell everything to your acquaintances.
Chanyeol only told his brother that he was an orphan and that he hated orphanages and lived alone.
But I needed to tell my family, Seventeen, who I would spend my life with.
But I kept putting it off. What on earth was I afraid of?
박찬열
"Wow... How did you really hold out? Life as a trainee is so hard, you can't even hand out business cards."
박찬열
“At least the trainee was alive.”
I chuckled at Chanyeol's concern.
Now I know why I can't tell my family.
I was fine, but I didn't want them to worry about me.
Any worries about you leaving me have long since disappeared, so I guess that's right.
장마음
“Because I had good friends.”
장마음
"If Subin, Seungsik, and Seungwoo weren't here, I wouldn't be here."
박찬열
“I guess the heavens weren’t so cruel.”
박찬열
“It was a bleak reality, but he gave you good people.”
장마음
"Yes. But... I feel like I'm just receiving too much help..."
He looked at me intently as I spoke.
박찬열
“I’m sorry.”
장마음
"Yes. If you receive something, it's only right that you give something back."
장마음
“That way, the balance is right.”
박찬열
“Those people probably didn’t do it for a price, right?”
장마음
“That’s true, but…”
Even when I was sitting, Chanyeol, who was taller than me, was at eye level with me.
And I tousled my hair a little.
박찬열
“Seventeen’s juniors, they give to you and receive from you.”
장마음
“What does that mean…”
박찬열
“I think you’re more emotional than I am.”
박찬열
“It seems strange that I am saying this to you.”
장마음
“What does it mean to give and receive…?”
Before I knew it, my eyes were getting wet.
If the humidity rose just a little more, I felt like tears would well up in my eyes.
박찬열
“Because I love you.”
His short words eventually brought a stream of tears to my eyes.
Chanyeol wiped his tears with his fingertips and continued speaking.
박찬열
“I don’t know exactly why my juniors love you either.”
박찬열
“But when I hear you say it, it sounds like you really do love me.”
장마음
“What is love…?”
박찬열
“I can’t give you an answer to that either.”
박찬열
"There are so many different types of love, and I'm still struggling to define it."
He swallowed lightly and continued.
박찬열
“People are loved by their parents, and they learn how to love.”
박찬열
"But you couldn't do that. That's why being loved, and loving, feels awkward."
박찬열
"It's only natural that you'd have such concerns."
I couldn't say anything. It felt like he'd hit the nail on the head.
But it didn't hurt.
On the contrary, I felt like I was just getting started on the path to getting to know myself.
박찬열
"If you really care, just do what you did to Dino. You helped me when I was having a hard time."
박찬열
"You may not know it, but you may also love your Seventeen juniors very much."
Love. I just thought it was family love.
But if I think about it again, isn't familial love the very definition of love?
I could say it was love, but why didn't I know?
Oh, it seems like I still have a long way to go before I become an adult.
박찬열
"But if you're still concerned, at least celebrate his birthday. Oh, is it a little difficult with 13 people?"
I was going to do that even if I wasn't told to.
My older brothers might ask if it's not enough for a kid who doesn't even get much allowance, but I'm sure they'd love it.
It made me happy to see them smile.
장마음
"No. I'm taking care of my family."
But they seem to prefer not giving or receiving.
Well, I thought it might be difficult to exchange gifts 13 times a year with people I've known since middle and high school.
Besides, Dokyeom and Hansol were in a situation where they had to give presents while receiving them on their birthdays.
박찬열
“Seventeen’s juniors are really cherishing Maeng-i.”
박찬열
“Don’t put yourself down, okay?”
장마음
“Yes, I will.”
His smile was warm.
The way he took all my worries lightly and gave me advice one by one made me choke up for no reason.
Of course, the Seventeen members are good at comforting others, but the problem is that their comfort is often mixed with excessive concern.
It seemed as though there was still a poor high school girl in their eyes, wet with tears.
Before I knew it, I had grown up under their solid foundation and become a more wonderful person than anyone else.
박찬열
“If anything happens, be sure to contact me.”
장마음
“Really… Really, is that okay?”
박찬열
"You can call me even when nothing's wrong. I'm happy with you."
At his gentle and affectionate words, I finally shed two streams of tears.
장마음
“Can I hug you…?”
Chanyeol looked at me for a moment, then silently hugged me tightly.
박찬열
“Crying may be the key to a better me.”
박찬열
"So, don't worry too much. There are plenty of people around you."
That unique warmth, melted comfort, made me cry in confusion.
Even letting them know that crying isn't a bad thing.
It was the moment when another person of mine appeared.
Today's episode was too serious...
But that was the part I really wanted to write about.
I ask for your understanding.
Thank you always!