Clear Boy
07.
There are some people around me who are called "bad guys." They see everything through to the end, no matter what they do. They can't sleep unless they beat the boss in a game. But when you get down to it, their obsessions are incredibly petty. Instead of risking their lives to get perfect scores on tests and become top students, they're desperate to get rid of the sticker marks left behind. They're determined to get rid of the sticky residue, no matter what. There's absolutely no need for that. Let me give you another example. They'd hold their breath without anyone asking them to, they'd walk while only stepping on yellow sidewalk blocks, and they'd go all out for trivial bets. I was a bad guy. It's a shame I wasn't a bad guy when it came to studying, but that's how I was.
When I was little, I squandered all my allowance to collect all the stickers they gave me for buying gum. But I still didn't have enough money, so I even broke the piggy bank at home. I still remember the split open piggy bank. I collected all the stickers, but that evening, my mom beat me up badly. She asked me how old I was to just sit there collecting stickers. Even though my back was cold, I never let go of the stickers I was holding. How did I collect all these? I still have the stickers I collected. I don't regret it. I knew I would get beat up, but I broke the piggy bank open.
That's it. The desire to take on a challenge even when the outcome is obvious. It was this very same mentality that made Yoon Areum special. I wanted to approach her even though I knew I'd be rejected. Yoon Areum really touched my stubbornness. My instinct to erase sticky sticker marks for an hour. My passion to ruthlessly tear open my piggy bank to collect the stickers inside my gum.
Let me add, I'm an idealist. I've been treated badly by people, but there was a part of me that believed in them. When I studied ethics and ideology, I chose the theory of inherent goodness versus inherent evil. People are good. They are definitely good. It's just that the environment has made them bad. When I lived thinking that way, the world seemed a little more beautiful. It was also a defense mechanism of sorts. If I thought people were inherently evil, everything that happened to me would become more miserable. I couldn't sleep if I thought that they did it because they didn't like me, because they hated me, because they wanted me to fail. Since I'm going to live, I should live happily.
So I believed in the theory of inherent goodness. I thought everyone was good, but I was just a little unlucky. I thought it was just me who was unlucky. That's how I viewed Yoon Ah-reum. She was clearly a good person, but her wounds made her thorny. She was naturally kind, but she acted angular because she didn't want to be hurt.
A week after I first met Yoon Areum, rumors spread. Yoon Areum was a Choi Beomgyu nerd. What's a nerd these days? I nagged my friends, but the heat never died down. They said Choi Beomgyu fell in love with Yoon Areum at first sight. Yoon Areum didn't even glance at him. They were actually dating. They said Yoon Areum was avoiding him because she was afraid their secret relationship would be discovered. Rumors, a mysterious mix of truth and lies, circulated. I didn't know where to start, so I just left it at that. It wasn't like I could correct things anyway. I knew they'd just keep talking and then it would get boring and they'd quiet down. It was something I'd experienced before, and there was no reason to get involved. The only thing that bothered me was that Yoon Areum was uncomfortable. Whenever my friends teased Yoon Areum, I gave them a knowing smile.
"Just do it. She's uncomfortable. Then, there was a lot of noise, like taking Yoon Areum's side again or saying she's crazy in love, but at least the eyes fixed on Yoon Areum were turned to me. Yes. Look at me a lot. I'm used to it." Yoon Areum always left without saying a word. She bit the corner of her lip as if she was uncomfortable.
After about two and a half weeks, the rumors died down. Everyone seemed to have lost interest. After chewing, tearing, tasting, and enjoying the rumors for so long, I searched for other rumors. Even when I went to Yoon Areum's class and randomly spoke to her, no one paid any attention. Yoon Areum was the only one who cared about me. She didn't respond at all, but it showed on her face. What on earth is this kid doing? Even though she wasn't speaking, it seemed like she could hear me. It was like a squirrel in a rage, which I found somewhat amusing. Even without answering, without reacting, I liked being by Yoon Areum's side. The way she held her calm face and tightly gripped her mechanical pencil was cute. What kind of thoughts does she have in her life? What kind of perspective does she have on the world? Does she believe in the theory of inherent evil? Sometimes, I'd just lean over my desk and stare blankly. Then and now, her eyes are truly beautiful. The thought always crossed my mind: how pretty are her eyes? What would she look like if she smiled with those eyes? She'd be pretty. I wish she'd smile because of me. Such awkward thoughts often crossed my mind.
It had been three weeks since I heard Yoon Areum's voice again. Even though I didn't respond or say anything, Yoon Areum wavered, unmoving. "Senior." As usual, I sat next to her and spoke to her. "Senior." My eyes widened at the mere word. "Huh?" "Huh?" I sat upright. Yoon Areum's gaze was fixed entirely on me for the first time.
"Why on earth are you doing this?"
"uh?"
“Why do you keep following me around and bothering me?”
"....."
“I kept saying I didn’t like it, but it seemed like you didn’t notice.”
"....."
"Stop it now."
For the first time, I fell silent in front of Yoon Areum. It was nice to hear her voice, but it wasn't exactly something to laugh about. Yoon Areum finished speaking and turned her gaze back to her workbook. It wasn't even a gentle rejection, but a firm one. If I held on here, I'd be really pissed. This kind of situation wouldn't happen. I knew. I knew it too well. But still...
"I want to become close with you."
"....."
"Because I became close with you..."
I want to be the only one. It's better to be a loser than to lose Yoon A-reum. That's the judgment I had in a split second. Does pride feed you? I need to confront it honestly. Yoon A-reum looked slightly taken aback by the unexpected answer. I swallowed without realizing it.
"Why am I a senior?"
"....."
"What good does it do for me to be with my senior?"
"....."
"There's no reason to be close, and there's even less reason to be alone. That's the answer."
"If there is a reason?"
"....."
"Then do you want to become friends with me?"
Yoon Ah-reum blinked silently. I continued.
"I can give you whatever you want."
"Do you know what I want?"
"I know. Very well."
"...my wish is different from others."
"....."
"There's absolutely nothing that a senior can do about it."
"....."
"So stop it."
Just then, the bell rang. Yoon Areum gathered her pencil case and textbooks and left the classroom. I sat there blankly for a while. Seriously. I could really grant you a wish. The words I couldn't say lingered on my lips. I have to tell you someday. I can stop the rain. I already saved you once, the day you cried and begged for it to stop. So don't hate me too much.
I can stop the rain as much as you want.